"The happiest people don't have the best of everything.
They just make the best of everything."

"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!

LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past. "

If there's no smile on your face and no laughter in your heart,
YOU are just . . . . a sour old fart.

Many thanks to
Trish, Terrygray11, Redder Ink, Heartlast, AngOBri
for contributing to the content of today's page.

THE WINDOW WASHER

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The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: it's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4 Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk
to your 10 year old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.



"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning,
"I'm convinced my mind is almost
completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented,
"I'm not surprised.
You've been giving me a piece of it every day
for twenty years!"



HOW BIG IS WALMART
I was blown away by these mind-boggling
statistics on Wal-Mart!

1. At Wal-Mart, Americans spend $36,000,000
every hour of every day.

2. This works out to $20,928 profit every minute!

3. Wal-Mart will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day
(March 17th) than Target sells all year.

4. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot + Kroger + Target
+ Sears + Costco + K-Mart combined.

5. Wal-Mart employs 1.6 million people and is the
largest private employer.

6. Wal-Mart is the largest company in the history of the World.

7. Wal-Mart now sells more food than Kroger & Safeway
combined, and keep in mind they did this in only 15 years.

8. During this same period, 31 Supermarket chains
sought bankruptcy  (including Winn-Dixie).
               

9. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

10. Wal-Mart has approx 3,900 stores in the USA of which
1,906 are Super Centers; this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.

11. This year, 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences
will occur at a Wal-Mart store
(Earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion).

12. 90% of Americans live within 15 miles of a Wal-Mart.



Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's office and says,  
"Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."  
  
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."  
  
Man: "Yes, I know."  
  
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"  
  
Man: "Well .... the light  was on..." 

 
"Be patient Norman. I want to finish this chapter."

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore
they would never have anything to do with women again.
They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska
as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him,

"Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."

The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies
he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?"

The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women
and you might need this."

They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you,
and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year.

"Okay," they said and left.

The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said
"Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I killed him" said the guy.

Shocked, the trader asks "Why?"

To which the guy replies,
"I caught him in bed with my board!"



A 2006 study found that the average American walks
about 1900 miles per year.
 
Another study done the same year found that Americans drink
an average of 22 gallons of beer per year.

That means, on average, Americans get approximately 
86.36 miles per gallon . . .
better mileage than any manufacturer
is offering with their automobiles...

CAUGHT

 
A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure
how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew
that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done
the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper
did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten" said Murphy.

So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job.
It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.

"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom,
but I've got 2 left over!"

"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."



Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was
dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.
He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney.
"Where are ye callin' from?"



Hillary's Indian Name

Senator Hillary Rotten Clinton was invited to address a major
gathering of The American Indian nation two weeks ago
in upper New York State. She spoke for almost
an hour on her future plans for increasing every
Native American's present standard of living,
should she one day become the
first female President.

She referred to her career as a New York Senator,
how she had signed "yes" for every Indian issue
that came to her desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan,
she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas
for helping her "red sisters and brothers".

At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator
with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to
the crowds. A news reporter later inquired of the
group of chiefs of how they had come to select
the new name given to the Senator.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a
bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Cork, Ireland and
asks the bartender about the quickest was to get to Dublin.
The barkeep replies,

"Are you walking or driving?"

The Irishman says that he is driving.

The barkeep says, "That's the quickest way!"

TRUISM PUNS

* I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me.

* Police were called to a daycare where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.

* Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side
was cut off?  He's all right now.

* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference.

* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

* The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.

* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

* A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He
became a hardened criminal.

* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be
charged with stalking.

* We'll never run out of math teachers because they
always multiply.

* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.

* The math professor went crazy with the
blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.

* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could
jog your memory.

* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.

* What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead giveaway)

* A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two-tired.

* Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. 

* A backward poet writes inverse.

* In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in
feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

* If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

* With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

* Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and
I'll show you A-flat miner.

* When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

* The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was
fully recovered.

* A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France,
resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

* You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

* He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

* A calendar's days are numbered.

* A lot of money is tainted:
'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

* A boiled egg is hard to beat.

* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

* A plateau is a high form of flattery.

* Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.

* When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

* When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she
thought she'd dye.

* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Reading all of these was Punishment!

Ways To Tell A Man His Fly Is Unzipped

The cucumber has left the salad.

I can see the gun of Navarone.

You've got Windows on your laptop.

Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

Dr. Kimble has escaped!

You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of Hillary."

You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

  I Can See Your Penis.

Just Checking


A general practitioner and a nurse were on the train,
going to a medical conference.

Opposite them was a man furiously scratching his elbow.
"I wonder what's the matter with him?" said the nurse.

"He's a patient of mine," the doctor replied, "And, in confidence,
I can tell you that he suffers badly from hemorrhoids."

"Well, why is he scratching there then?"

"Oh, he's a politician. He doesn't know his ass from his elbow."

We All Still Have Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

" WOW "

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