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The guy leered at the babe at the yacht club.  
"Hey, baby, would you help me 'raise my mast'?"

"No thanks," she said sweetly.  
"I heard about you from your ex and 
she included a 'small craft' warning."

"My professional and my personal lives have become way too 
intertwined." the stewardess told her fellow stew.  

"Last night my husband nudged me awake, 
and began to make love. 
Without giving it a thought, I said, 
'Welcome Aboard'."

CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.
 <> 
 Man who run behind car get exhausted.
<> 
 Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways 
going to Bangkok 
<> 
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
<> 
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. 
<>  
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. 
<> 
Baseball is wrong: 
man with four balls cannot walk.
<> 
Panties not best thing on earth! 
 But next to best thing on earth. 
<> 
War does not determine who is right, 
war determine who is left.
<> 
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
<>  
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. 
<> 
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. 
<> 
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
<> 
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
<>  
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
<>  
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. 
<> 
Man who fart in church sit in own pew. 
<> 
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

"Your father taught me everything I know about
sex, dear. Which is why I suggest you go
read a book on the subject."

Our family took a ski trip, and I was knocked
unconscious by the chairlift.
I called my insurance company from the hospital,
but it refused to cover my injury.

"Why not?" I complained.

"You got hit in the head by a chairlift," the
insurance rep said.  "That makes you a moron,
and we consider that a pre-existing condition.



A man and his wife were sitting in the living room 
and he said to her, 
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, 
dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle.
If that ever happens, just pull the plug." 

His wife got up, kissed him ever so gently, 
unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

A very large woman walks into a department store and asks a
salesman, "Do you have anything I could fit into?"

"Well," the man says, 
"I think I could fit you into that elevator."



An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical 
examination whereupon the doctor said
"You are in fine shape for your 
age.. but tell me.. do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said.  She went 
out to the reception room and said:

"Jake do we still have intercourse?"

Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a
thousand times... We have blue cross !!"



Hey, I just got back from a trip.

After going through security, the guard said! 
"there's good news and bad news."

I said "Tell me the good news."

He said "You're gonna make your flight."

I said "Tell me the bad news."

He said "You have an enlarged prostate."



Bill worked in a pickle factory.  He had been employed there 
for a number of years.  When he came home one day to confess 
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.  He had an urge to 
stick his penis into the pickle slicer.  His wife suggested 
that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, 
but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed.  
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.  

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen.  
His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 

"What's wrong, Bill?"  she asked. 

"Do you remember that I told you that I had this tremendous urge 
to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" 

"Oh, Bill, you didn't." 

"Yes, I did." 

"My God, Bill, what happened?" 

" I got fired."  

"No, Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"  

Oh, .... she got fired too."
OLD. . but still FUNNY



FACTS of LIFE

Life can be only understood backwards,
but it must be lived forwards.
 
Trust everybody .  .  .  then cut the cards.
 
Don't do for others what, given the chance,
they wouldn't do for themselves.
 
Summer must be over.
My neighbor just returned my lawn furniture.
 
If you are willing to admit you are wrong when you are wrong,
then you are all right.
 
It's good to question authority,
but not mine.
 
Love doesn't really make the world go round,
but it makes the ride worthwhile.

 
Age is just a number and mine is unlisted.
 
An expert is someone called in at the last minute
to share the blame.
 
At my age, I've begun to regret the sins I did NOT commit.
 
If there was a 'Bi-Sexual Pride' parade,
would it go both ways?
 
The first Ten Commandments are the hardest.
 
A retired husband is a wife's full time job.
 
Heredity is something parents comfortably believe in,
if they have a bright child.
 
Only one shopping day left until tomorrow!
 
Happiness is the place between too little and too much.
 
Circular arguments often make the rounds.
 
Even at a Mensa convention,
someone is the dumbest person in the room.
 
When in doubt.  .  .  mumble.

 
Money can't buy everything .  .
but then again, neither can no money.
 
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
 
If a nickel knew what it is worth today,
it would feel like two cents.
 
A lot of pessimists get that way from financing optimists.
 
When you have your head up your butt, 4 of the
5 senses do not work.
 
I'd rather visit the zoo than most of my relatives.
 
If only the good die young then what does that say
about senior citizens?

I knew the Louisiana Purchase was a bad idea.
 
I work for a living,
I don't live for working.

Time isn't on my side.
It's on my back.

 

With fuel prices skyrocketing,
they should now call them gasp pumps!
 
Buffet is a French term, It means
"get up and get it yourself."
 
Without geometry, life is pointless.
 
To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing
than going fishing.
 
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
 
If people talk behind your back,
it only means you are two steps ahead.
 
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
 
Why is the National Guard in Iraq
and the Army in New Orleans?
 
Yes, I'm lost .  .  .  but I'm making GREAT time!
 
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by
confessing our parents' shortcomings.

COULD SHE POSSIBLY BE FROM A 'BLUE STATE'?

ONE LINERS

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. 

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 

Just when you think you've hit bottom, 
someone tosses you a shovel.

You know you are over-the-hill 
when you're just too tired to climb one!

Why is stuff sent on ships called "cargo" 
and UPS sends "shipments?"

For Sale: One computer slightly used.  
One bullet hole in screen. 

If a "fatal" error is made with the E-mail I sent, 
does that mean I killed somebody?

What's the speed of dark?

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play?

Why are there Interstate highways in Hawaii? 

I'm going to start thinking positive, but I know it won't work.

At age 66 I'm bisexual.  I said bye to sex.

Two wrongs don't make a right, 
but two Wrights make an airplane.

   
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore