Many thanks to all and to
Trish, AngOBri, Nekia, IrockBlue, Terrygray11, 
Philalakes, MRuss74101, K1mmm, OIdHippie4
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't Have a lot of money.
Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy?
Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of
Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said 'Now you've lost it.
Do you know how much trouble we will be in?
We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! Worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
 
They downed their drinks. Murphy said,
'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go
on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk,
all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said:
'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this.
I'm drunk and me knees are killin me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? 
I lost the sausage in the third pub.

SIGNS OF WEAR

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs 
and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  Your friends compliment you on your new 
alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  A sexy babe catches your fancy and your 
pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  You don't care where your spouse goes, 
just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  You are cautioned to slow down by the 
doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  "Getting a little action" means I don't 
need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN.....  "Getting lucky" means you find your car 
in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN...  An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee.

Silda Wall SPITZER has been amazingly calm and has 
shown unusual grace in how supportive a political wife can 
be during her husband's apologetic speeches. Other women 
can only hope to emulate her in similar situations.

But of course, in the privacy of their own home ...

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills,
they were labeled 'LSD' ?"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen
the dragons in the kitchen?!!"

DEFINITIVE REFLECTIONS

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends 
and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people. 

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born 
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage. 

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, 
similar to my character lines. 



A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"
"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies,
"Okay.
But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful
thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

Did you hear about the blonde skydiver?
She missed the Earth!

Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances
to get pregnant?
She blew it both times!



Social Security
After retiring, I went to the social security office
to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left
my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home
"I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest
is proof enough for me" and she processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about
my experience at the Social security office. She said,
"You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too."



The third-grade teacher was teaching English
and repeated for her class:

"Mary had a little lamb,
whose fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went,
the lamb was sure to go."

       She explained this was an example of poetry,
but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from
"the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

       A few days later, she asked for an example of poetry or prose.
Johnny raised his hand and said,

"Mary had a little pig --
A scrawny little runt.
He stuck his nose in Mary's Clothes
And smelled her little . . ."

       He stopped, turned to the teacher, and asked,
"Do you want poetry or prose?"

       "Prose!" the teacher said weakly.

       Johnny said, " . . . Asshole."

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong
in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says,
"That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago
is eroding.  What have you been eating?"

The man replies,
"All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife
made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that
was delicious ... Hollandaise sauce.
I loved it so much I now put it on everything ---
meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."

"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is
highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you
a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asks the patient.

To which the dentist replies,
"It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome
for the Hollandaise!
                                                           Ouch! Remember, I don't write 'em!!



A man walked out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a
key in his hand. A street cop approaches him.
"Can I help you, sir?" said the cop.

"Yesssh! Ssssshomebody ssshtole my car!" the man replied.

The policeman asked, "Where was the car the last time you saw it?"

"It wassss at the end of thisss key." the man replied.

About that time, the officer looked down to see that the
man's "thing" was hanging out. He asked the man,

"Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

The man looked down woefully and
without missing a beat, moans,

"Oh, God. They got my girlfriend too!"

Doesn't anyone tell the TRUTH anymore?

"Good news. We might be getting Clemens."

Men Are Like...

... placemats - they only show up when there's food on the table.

... mascara - they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... bike helmets - they're good in emergencies
but usually just look silly.

... government bonds - they take so long to mature.

... copiers - you need them in reproduction but that's about it.

... lava lamps - fun to look at it but not all that bright.

... bank accounts - without a lot of money
they don't generate a lot of interest.

... high heels - they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

... curling irons - they're always hot and always in your hair.

... mini skirts - if your not careful they'll creep up your legs.

... handguns - keep one around long enough
and your gonna want to shoot it.

Twenty-four hours before his wedding, a young man asks his dad
if he has any fatherly advice to impart before the big day.
 
"Just two things," the father says.  "First off, tell her you must have
one night a week to go out with the boys."

"And what's the other one?" the son asks.
 
"Don't waste it on the boys."



Man goes to a hit man and asks him to kill his wife.

Hit man: Sure, but it will be 10K

Man:  OK, but I want to know how you are going to kill her?

Hit man: I will use just one shot just below her left tit.

Man:     That's no  good, I want her dead,
not hit in the kneecap!



Bank Robber

A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage,

"Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers, "Yes."

The robber promptly shoots him in the head.

He then asks the second hostage, "Did you see me rob the bank?"

The hostage answers, "No, but my wife did."

RANDOM ACTS OF THINKING, 2008

So the other day my wife was looking at our wedding album,
then she looked closely at me. Then she told me she figures
there's about 40 pounds of me she's not legally married to.

Sometimes I'll go to the symphony
even if I don't need the sleep.

At my age, my number one fashion question is,
"Can you nap in it?"

My marriage is like a giant game of chess.
Sure wish I knew how to play chess.

I need to find a new job. I've just about had it with the photo lab.
All the negativity is getting me down.

Time marching on wouldn't be so bad
if it didn't trample all the flowers.

Did I tell you about the monastery that failed its safety inspection?
It had no friar escapes.

Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker,
and in a convertible.

At an "all you can eat" restaurant, would they kick you out
for eating less than you can?

I used to think the whole world was against me, but I found out
a few of the smaller countries are remaining neutral.

If I'm ever injured, don't give me artificial respiration.
I want the real thing, gosh darn it.

And while I'm on that subject, if my life is ever in jeopardy,
don't forget to put your answer in the form of a question.

The secret to my success? I make of list of things not to do,
then I check them off as I don't do them.

I used to use clichés like they were going out of style.

Click Here BRITISH COMMENTATOR
WE NEED this fellow on CNN, FOX etc . . .

http://www.dotsub.com/films/moredemands/index.php?
autostart=true&language_setting=en_1618

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We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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