Kids Are Quick

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
-
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication
on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
-
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER:  No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
-
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
-
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today
that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
-
TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
-
TEACHER:  Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I ' .
MILLIE: I is....
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am'.
MILLIE: All right...  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
-
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his
father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.  Now, Louie, 
do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
-
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers
before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook!
-
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly
the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It's the same dog.
-
TEACHER:  Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher




WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde
catches up. She jumps out of her car,
runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing
some of your load."  

The trucker ignores her and proceeds
down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light,
the girl catches up again. She jumps out
of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather , and
you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores
her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light,
the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of
her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker rolls down the window.
Again, she says "Hi, my name is Heather ,
and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker
revs up and races to the next light.

When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window,
and after she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin.
It's winter here in ILLINOIS and
I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"





IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY

        •        Artery                                    The study of paintings.
        •        Bacteria                                Back door to cafeteria.
        •        Barium                                  What doctors do when
                                                                 patients die.
        •        Benign                                  What you be, after you be eight
        •        Caesarean Section            A neighborhood in  Rome
        •        Cat scan                               Searching for Kitty.
        •        Cauterize                              Made eye contact with her.
        •        Colic                                      A sheep dog.
        •        Coma                                     A punctuation mark.
        •        Dilate                                     To live long.
        •        Enema                                   Not a friend.
        •        Fester                                    Quicker than someone else.
        •        Fibula                                     A small lie.
        •        Impotent                                Distinguished, well known.
        •        Labor Pain                            Getting hurt at work.
        •        Nitrates                                  A higher offer.
        •        Medical Staff                        A Doctor's cane. 
        •        Morbid                                   Cheaper than day rates.
        •        Node                                       I knew it.
        •        Outpatient                             A person who has fainted.
        •        Pelvis                                     Second cousin to Elvis.
        •        Post Operative                     A letter carrier.
        •        Recovery Room                   Place to do upholstery.
        •        Rectum                                  Nearly killed him.
        •        Secretion                              Hiding something.
        •        Seizure                                  Roman emperor.
        •        Tablet                                    A small table.
        •        Terminal Illness                  Getting sick at the airport.
        •        Tumor                                   One plus one more.
        •        Urine                                      Opposite of you're out.
        •        2xCondoms                         To be sure, to be sure

AN ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE
The subjects covered affect us all on a daily basis:
They're written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much
with so few words.    Enjoy.......

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is
at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned.... That just one person saying to me,
'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is
one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have
the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold.

I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block
on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned.... That we should be glad God
doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings
that make life so spectacular.

I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone
who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone,
you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person
is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves
to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned..... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost, someone
will take the ones you miss.

I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness,
happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her
one more time before she passed away.

I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender,
because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve
your looks.

I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds
your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain,
but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with,
more things I get done.

Good thoughts, but NOT Andy Rooney's.
This list has been around the block for years...for more info, see
http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/learned.asp

CORRECTION Thanks to  -  Wisconsin illini

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLDER WHEN:

All those years of health insurance premium
investments are starting to pay off.

It hurts to stare directly at the moon.

You wake up with that "morning after" feeling --
but you didn't do anything the night before.

The wrinkles on your face outnumber the amount of years
you've lived.

People who call you at 9:00 p.m. Ask, "Did I wake you?"

You no longer have the money to do all the things you were
going to do "when you had the time.

"Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

You have to set your foot on the commode
just to put on your socks.

Your grandkids look like they should be in middle school,
yet here you are attending their college graduation.

You give up ALL your bad habits and you *still* don't feel good.

The people behind the counter at the pharmacy don't even ask
your name before handing you your medications.

You remember old radio shows better than the TV show
you watched last week. And the radio show was better, by the way.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You can remember when taking a vacation meant
you were out of reach by telephone.

You can remember when Burma Shave signs were all the rage
while driving down the road.

The car that you bought brand new is now an antique.

You have no idea how, but you can remember
entire days spent without "logging on.

Young women start opening doors for you.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You get two invitations to go out on the same night
and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

You can remember when soldiers were treated like heroes
and people still stood and/or saluted the flag.

A sweet young thing with a twinkle in her eye approaches and
thoughts of romance flash through your brain until she says,
"I'm doing an article for a college paper and I'm asking all the
old people I see what their secret is for longevity." (True story, folks.)




For those of you who watch what your diet,
here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth, (lol) after all
those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages
and fats but suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like!
Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

GOTTA PEE
--
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
they had gotten over-enthusiastic
on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls
did their business they proceeded to
go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in
bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights out have got t o stop! I'm starting to suspect
the worst. .. my wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass
that said..
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you!





The penis-enlarging pills my boyfriend bought online
must be working.  At this point, he's a bigger dick
than he was a few months ago.





THE FOLLOWING WAS FOUND POSTED
VERY LOW ON THE REFRIGERATOR DOOR

Dear Dogs and Cats:

Dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.  The other dishes are mine and contain my food.  Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.  Racing me to the bottom is not the object.  Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.  
I am very sorry about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.  Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.  It is not necessary 
to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible.  I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize 
space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, or try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.  I must exit through the same door I entered.  Also, I have been using the bathroom for years. Canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell 
the other dog or cat's butt.  I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following 
message on the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE
TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here.  You don't. 
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.  That's why they call it 'fur'-niture. 
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people. 
(4) To you, they are animals.  To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours 
and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids
because they

(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children
                                                                                       Unknown