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A Sunday school  teacher was discussing the
Ten Commandments with her five and six year  olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor"
thy Father and thy  Mother, she asked,

"Is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our  brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy
(the  oldest of a family) answered,

"Thou shall not kill."

"I can explain the meaning of Life, but I can't
explain Medicare Drug Coverage!"

When I was six months pregnant with my third
child, my three year old came into the room when
I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy
has a baby growing in her tummy"

"I know," she replied, but what's
growing in your butt?"



Golf Caddy Quotes
><
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day;
I think I'm going to go drown
myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."

Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to
break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."

Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball
much closer than you used to."

Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy.
It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"

Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"

Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."

Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"

Little Johnny returns from school and says
he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said,
"You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your
mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out,
"You damned bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back 
of the courtroom, and said,

"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,
but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you,
or I shall charge you with contempt!
Now what is your problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded,
"For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard,
and every time I asked to borrow a hammer ...
he said he never had one!"

"If I had know she was gonna bring it home
with her, I would have just gone on the rug."

John was furious when his steak arrived too rare.
"Waiter," he shouted, "didn't you hear me say 'well done'?"

"I can't thank you enough, sir," replied the waiter.
"I hardly ever get a compliment."



Two women were chatting when one asked the other,
"Mabel, do you talk to your husband while
you're having passionate intercourse?"

Mabel answered, "Heavens No!
Why would you want to make a phone call
at a time like that?"

My wife went to the car wash today.
She went yesterday too.
Wants to go again tomorrow.
She says she really likes a clean car.
 





A guy came home early and found his wife in bed with another man.
"What the hell are you doing?" shouted the irate husband.

"See," the wife said to the man lying beside her.
"Didn't I tell you that he doesn't know a thing about sex."

"How do you know you don't like lime and pecan
yogurt if you never tried it before?"

How does a shotgun with a broken firing pin
resemble a government worker?
It won't work and you can't fire it.
><
What's the difference between the Mafia and the Government?
Only one of them is organized.
>< 
What do politicians and diapers have in common?
Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.



Two kids were trying to figure out what game to play. One said,
"Let's play doctor."

"Good idea." said the other. 
"You operate, and I'll sue."

Clinton Library Portrait

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers
happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were
discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going 
up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, 
so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, 
I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, 
so he can tear my ass up just one more time." 



President Bush is the first U.S. President to spend the night
in Buckingham Palace, at the request of the royal family.
As he was showing the President around,
 Prince Charles asked Bush if he wanted to see Big Ben,
and Bush replied,

"Whoa, I'm from Texas;
don't try any of that funny stuff with me."

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major
found himself at a gala event hosted by a local
liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young,
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be
a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said,
"It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tired of trying to start up a conversation, said,
"You know, you should lighten up a little.
Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said,
"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously!  I mean, no sex since 1955!  She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch,
said in his matter-of-fact voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
(Don't ya just love military time?!)

   
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

HUNK

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BARNEGAT, NEW JERSEY
On The Jersey Shore