A new TV game show in Hollywood had many contestants
who were  beautiful, but they weren't necessarily too smart.
 
On one show, one such woman was extremely nervous,
but tried to make the best of her performance.
 
The host asked, "For one thousand  dollars,
who was the first man?"
 
She responded, "The first man was Peter, my postman,
but he only paid me one hundred dollars!"

It was happy hour in the bar, and the air hung heavy
in thick blue folds as the regular bunch lit up some
"happy weed."
Suddenly, a loud voice boomed from the entrance and
demanded that they open the door in the name of the law.

The smokers frantically gathered their still-smoking weeds
and stuffed them inside the cuckoo clock.

The police entered, searched diligently, found nothing and left.

The group breathed a sigh of relief, and made for the
cuckoo clock to retrieve their stash.

Just then, the clock's hands announced 6 pm.
The little door popped open, the bird poked his head out and said,
"Heyyyy duuuudes! What the fuck time is it?"

  

Husband:  When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?
 
Wife:  I clean the toilet.
 
Husband:  How does that help?

Wife:  I use your toothbrush!

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said,
"I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained.
"Tell me some good news for once."

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary.
"You're not sterile."



A Wife's a Wife - no matter who you are!





Thomas and Tamara were attending a dinner party so that
Thomas's mother could meet Tamara for the first time.
Towards the end of the evening, Tamara approached
Thomas and asked if there was a problem, as
Thomas's mother seemed to be avoiding her
after their first introduction.

"Honestly, my dear," Thomas said, "Mother finds you to be,
how should I put it, a bit on the crude side."

"Crude? Doesn't she know that I come from one of the most respected
 families  in Boston? That I was educated in Switzerland ? That I
attended the finest finishing schools on the East Coast?
That I obtained a master's degree At Vassar,
graduating Magna Cum Laud?" Tamara asked.

"Yes, yes, my love, I told her all that," Thomas replied.

"Then where in the fuck does that snooty cunt
come off with all that 'crude bullshit?' "

A man was wandering around a fairground when he happened upon
a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh,
he went inside and sat down.

"Ah ... " said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.
"I see you are the father of two children."

"That's what you think," said the man scornfully.
"I'm the father of THREE children!"

The mystical woman grinned and said,
"No, that's what YOU think!"



During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next
to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby
began crying during the descent for landing,
the mother began nursing the infant as
discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various
baby-related impedimenta. When the young mother
expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,

"Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician
said nursing would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

 

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motor home!
'I've won a motor home!

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
The biggest prize is a free lunch.' 
But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motor home!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
You couldn't have possibly won a motor home 
because we didn't have that as a prize.' 

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
I've won a motor home!'

And she hands the ticket to the
manager and HE reads...
                      
' W I N A B A G E L '

George, Bob, and Tony were driving along in their pickup
when they spied a sheep caught in the fence
with its hind end up in the air.
 
Bob said, "I wish that was Heather Locklear."
 
George echoed, "I wish it was Pamela Anderson."
 
Tony sighed, "I wish it was dark... "



"I think my wife is selling drugs," a man remarked to a friend. 
"Yesterday, I was running a little late when the telephone rang.
I answered it, but before I could say anything, a male voice on
the line said,

'Hey, Honey, is that dope gone yet?'"