No one believes seniors . . . 
everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple 
had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old 
neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back 
to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found 
the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved 
"I love you, Sally .."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, 
practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, 
not sure what to do with it, they took it home. 
There, she counted the money -
fifty thousand dollars!

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."

Sally said, "Finders keepers." 
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood 
looking for the money, and knocked on their door. 

"Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of 
an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No".

Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
 
 The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. 
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home 
from school yesterday ....."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, 
"We're outta here!"

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her
questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at
80, and then about her new husband's occupation. 

"He's a funeral director," she answered. 
  "Interesting," the newsman thought.

 He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a
few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. 

  After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her
early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and 
a preacher whenin her 60's, and now in her 80's, 
a funeral director. 

  The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she
had married four men with such diverse careers. 

  She smiled and explained,
 "I married one for the money, two for the show, 
three to get ready, and four to go." 

Strike Imminent

Extract from last weeks 
Pakistan Dawn newspaper: 

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute 
over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with 
Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. 
 
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide 
bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 54. 
 
The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings 
and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bomber's union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) 
responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and
 immediately balloted for strike action. 
 
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press,
"Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad.  
We don't ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth."

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently 
resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, 
"We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not 
in a position to meet their demands.  They are simply not accepting 
the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. 
 
Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage 
of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between 
reducing expenditure and laying people off. 
 
I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that 
they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the Union in Liverpool, Middlesbrough and Newcastle stated 
that the strike would not affect their operations, as 
"there are no virgins in their areas anyway."

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the 
emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know 
what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.

This is a test to determine if you are an alcoholic...

You're an alcoholic if you saw the 'Bar' sign first.



Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."
 
Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says,
 
"Better think it over.............women like that are hard to find."


	

	
The Human Body


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach. 

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb). 

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb. 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete. 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's... 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men. 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still. 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it. 

Women reading this will be finished now. 

Men are still busy checking their thumbs. 


 


New Doctor

I went to the doctor's the other day and found out
my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said,
 "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. 
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out ."

I said, "I think my dick tastes funny..."

 
Two couples are playing cards one evening when Jim accidently 
dropped some cards on the floor.  when he bent down to pick 
them up, he noticed that Bob's wife Sue wasn't wearing 
any underwear.  Shocked, Jim sit up quickly banging 
his head on the way up.  

He retreats to the kitchen to collect himself.  Sue shortly 
follows him in and asked if he saw anything he wants.
 
Curious and intrigued, Jim admits he would like to see more.  Sue replies,
 "You can have it all, but it will cost you $500."
 
After taking a minute to assess the financial and moral
costs, Jim confirms his interest.
 
Sue tells him that since her husband works Friday and Jim didn't,
 Jim should be at her house around 2 PM.
 
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 
exactly 2 PM - after paying Sue the agreed upon sum of $500 - 
they went to the bedroom and completed their transaction.
  Jim them quickly got dressed and left.
 
As usual, Bob came home at 6 PM.  Upon arriving, Bob asked Sue,
 "Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?"
 
With a lump in her throat Sue answered, 
"Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
 
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 
"And did he give you $500?"
 
Sue, using her best poker face replied, 
"Well, yes in fact he did give me $500."
 
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised Sue by saying, 
"Good, he came by my office this morning and borrowed $500 
from me.  He promised he'd drop it by our house 
this afternoon on his way home."

A guy gets shipwrecked. When he wakes up, he's on a beach. 
The sand is a peculiar reddish-purple. He can't believe it. 
The sky is purple. 

He walks around a bit and sees that there is purple grass, 
purple birds and purple fruit on the purple trees. He's then even 
more shocked to find that his skin is starting to turn purple too. 

"Oh no!" he says, "I think I've been marooned!" 
                                                                                                 ouch!



I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are 
real notes written by parents in the Tyler, Texas school district. 

Spellings have been left intact. 

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. 
Please execute him. 

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot. 

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan . 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 
and also 33.
 
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
 
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell 
out of a tree and misplaced his hip..
 
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
 
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. 
He was hurt in the growing part.
 
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been 
bothered by very close veins.
 
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school.. He has very loose vowels.
 
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had
diahre dyreadireathe the shits.
 
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. 
He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
 
13.. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
 
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
 
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping 
because I don't know what size she wear.

 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get 
the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, 
We thought it was Sunday.
 
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday We have to attend her funeral.
 
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the marines.
 
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. 
He had a cold and could not breed well. 

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. 
She was in bed with gramps.

 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover...
 
22. Please excuse Brenda . She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, 
sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, 
fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and 
ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and 
fever. There must be something going around, 
her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education.

Disgraceful . . with all the taxes
we pay, the shape of this
bridge is terrible!
 

SPACE TRAVEL

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating  
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and begin talking 
about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they 
make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

"Pretty much the way you do," responds the Martian.

Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners 
for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. 
He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long 
and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "It's just not big enough!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each 
slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow...."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows 
wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. 
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," he replies, 
"All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."





According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look
for most in a woman is a sense of humor and a good personality...

This was a survey published in 
 
"Full Of Shit Magazine."

 

	Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked  	


1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer"
 to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.



Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
 
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch,
'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
 
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands 
on the sapling.
 
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
 
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 
'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. 
It is, however, the best piece of ash I have 
ever poked my pecker into."

 


A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. 
"Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.

 "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton." 

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" 

"No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he humphed,
 "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again?"

 "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday.."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week 
and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was 
poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription:

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."