"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!
LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past "

If there's no smile on your face and no laughter in your heart,
YOU are just . . . . a sour old fart.

Many thanks to
Wannawynn, Trish, AngOBri, Tootsie, Heartlast, 
Terrygray11, SlingoGMa
for contributing to the content of today's page.

A Woman's Poem   

He didn't like the casserole 
And he didn't like my cake. 
He said my biscuits were too hard... 
Not like his mother used to make. 
I didn't perk the coffee right 
He didn't like the stew, 
I didn't mend his socks 
The way his mother used to do. 
I pondered for an answer 
I was looking for a clue. 
Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him... 
Like his mother used to do.



Panicking when her toddler swallowing a tiny magnet;
my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.

"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her.
"The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure?" she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested,
"you could stick him on the refrigerator.
When he falls off, you'll know."

In the middle of an international gynecology conference, an English and
a French gynecologist are discussing various cases they've recently treated.

French Gynecologist : "Only last week, zer was a woman ooh came to see
me, and 'er cleetoris - eet was like a melon."

English Gynecologist : "Don't be absurd, it couldn't have been that big, my
good man, she couldn't have been able to walk if it was."

French Gynecologist : "Aaah, you eenglish, zare you go again, always
talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze flavor...

Laws You Can Count On 

After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. 

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone: 
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a
flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law: 
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in, will
start to move faster than the one you are in now.  
(works every time). 

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle
arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask
you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room,
they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down
on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness
and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like,
they will stop making it.

IMHOFF's LAW:
The Organization of any Bureaucracy is Likened to that of
a Septic Tank, in that the really big chunks
will always Rise to the Top.

HILARIOUS PRANK
I'm still laughing!
TURN ON YOUR SOUND

USE Home or Back BUTTON to RETURN TO THIS PAGE
AFTER VIEWING - DON'T GET X'd OFF THE SITE




What did one ovary say to the other one?

"Did you order any furniture?"

"No.  Why?", replied the other.

"Cause there's two nuts out there trying to deliver an organ."



A cowboy is driving down a back road near Cotulla, Texas...
sign in front of a restaurant reads:

"Happy Hour Special..."
Lobster Tail and Beer

"Lord almighty" he says to himself, "my three favorite things!!"




SIGN OF SPRING

At one time in my life,
I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the
word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word SERVICE:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City & County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations 

I became confused about the word "service." 
This is not what I 
thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them 
said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. 
BAM! It all came into perspective. 
Now I understand what all those "service" agencies 
are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.



Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters
exclusively to lawyers?

It's called Sosumi.




"Mom, Dad - What's a Transvestite?"

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon
a restaurant to be opened by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and  looked over the menu

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
"Why such a price  difference for the politician?"
  
The waiter replied
"Have you ever tried to clean one?"



Visit To Ireland
 
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone,"the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one willbe able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it.

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "Sure, buddy." 

Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! 
Now let's try it again! 

Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"



GOT TO LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!!!

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant,
and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink
as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend. I understand
she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago,
and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says the wife,
"Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"



Living Life Backwards

I want to live my next life backwards:

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better
every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.

Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch
on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're too young to work.

You get ready for college: drink alcohol, party, and
you're pretty much a free spirit.  Then you go to
primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you
have no responsibilities.

Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room
service on tap, and then...

You finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Things my Mother taught me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world
who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes,
they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes,
don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you.
Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

The fastest way to a fisherman's heart,
is through his fly.

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.

The first one says," My dad is so scared
that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath our bed."

The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared
that when my mother works nightshift,
he sleeps with the woman next door.






How to start your day with a positive outlook
1. Open a new file in your PC.
2. Name it "George Bush"
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you: "Do you really want to get rid of George Bush?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly. 
You will feel even better if you do this every hour or so........

We All Still Have Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

" WOW "

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