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Mrs.  O'Malley arrives in Boston from Ireland, and in no time
at all her bean soup has made her the talk of New England society.
At a party celebrating the sale of her recipe
to a fancy Charles Street restaurant,
an old matron goes up to Mrs.  O'Malley and says,

"My dear girl, what is the secret of your soup?"

Mrs.  O'Malley says, "The secret to me soup is that I use
but two- hundred thirty-nine beans to make it."

The woman says, "How come only two-hundred thirty-nine?"

"Because one more would make it too farty!"

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Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties
of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said.

"I insist that each of my employees take at least
a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn
which ones I can do without."

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All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

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After my husband and I had a huge argument,
we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.

"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."

He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?"

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

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When the waitress came to work the manager met her at the door.
"Look," he said, "I want you to put on your cutest uniform,
fix your hair lovely, see that your makeup is on neat
and walk with that extra- sexy walk."

"Something special on?" she asked.

"No," he replied, "the beef is tough."

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I met Bill the other day after work.  He looked very upset
so I asked him what was wrong.

He said, "I used to think I could fart silently
until I got my hearing aid."

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As cab drivers oftentimes do, the driver was darting in and out
of heavy traffic with complete abandon.  After a few hair
raising blocks, his passenger leaned forward and said,
"Would you please be more careful?
I have six children at home."

"Scheesch lady," murmured the cabbie. "You got six kids
and ya got the nerve to tell ME to be careful?"

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Worried about her weight, Jill consulted her doctor.

"What is the least you have ever weighed?" asked the doctor.

"Seven pounds, six ounces," Jill replied.

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Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

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A man walks into the dentist office and lies in the chair...
The dentist comes in and proceeds to do an examination.
In the middle of the exam, the man tells the dentist he apologizes
that he has just had lunch and did not have time to brush his teeth
before the appointment as he was running a bit late.

The dentist tells him, "That's OK. I understand.
I just had to use the bathroom and
didn't have time to wash my hands."

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Henry says to Alan, "You should live,
please God, to 120 years plus 3 months."

"Thank you Henry," says Alan,
"but why the 3 months?"

"Because," replies Henry,
"I wouldn’t want you to die suddenly."

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"You look troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

"I'm going to be a father," he replied.

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife
doesn't know about it yet."

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GREAT LITERARY TAUNTS

"I feel so miserable without you,
it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop

"I've just learned about his illness.
Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man,
but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word
that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"He is not only dull himself,
he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.
But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without
subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral,
but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away
and kept the stork."
Mae  West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies,
but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde

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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks,

"Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."

After a few moments of pondering, the first old lady asks,

"Who drives you to the beach?"

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Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd not seen
for several years. Each couple tried to recapture knowledge of
the other by recounting their histories.
"And soon after we were married," Sarah began,
"we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby creature
with cute bow legs and no teeth."

"You had a baby, I presume," said the other husband.

"Nope," Dick broke in,
"Sarah's mother came to live with us."

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A 10 year old boy was critically injured in a car crash. 
At the hospital his doctor says 

"Son you're dying, you're not gonna make it.  
Should I send in a priest?"

The kid says, 
"How can you think of sex at a time like this?"

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I've never understood why women love cats.
Cats are independent, they don't listen,
they don't come in when you call,
they like to stay out all night, come
home and expect to be fed and stroked,
then want to be left alone and sleep.

In other words,
every quality that women hate in a man,
they love in a cat.

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Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

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