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AngOBri,K1mmm, Trish, Bluelace7, Heartlace7, 
Terrygray11, MRuss74101, Paulette, Johnfeh,
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

"Gee! It's The Copy Macheen"

Interesting Human Body Facts

The largest cell in the human body  is the female egg
and the smallest is the male sperm.

A  full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.

It takes food seven  seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can  support 3kg.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

The  attachment of human muscles to skin is what causes dimples.

The  average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

A woman's  heart beats faster than a man's.

If the average male never shaved,  his beard would be
13 feet long when he died.

Men with hairless  chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver
than men with  hair.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your  feet.

Side by side, 2000 cells from the human body could
cover about  one square inch.

Women blink twice as much as men.

The  average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

When you  are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate...
      they do the same when you are  looking at someone you hate!

It takes twice as long to lose new muscle if you stop working out
than it did to gain it.

You're ears secrete more earwax when you are afraid
than when  you aren't.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself
when you are standing  still.

If  saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

The average woman is 5 inches  shorter than the average man.

                 
  Guys ... bet you looked at YOUR thumb..... Didn't  ya?



What's the slogan for the new Polish tampon?

"We may not be number 1,
but were still up there!"



"Knock, Knock."

Who's there?"

"Opportunity."

"Don't be silly - 'opportunity'

doesn't knock twice!"

Why Guys Can't Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,
it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay,
you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks,
it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her,
you're a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy,
that's manipulation.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're self-centered.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

Did you hear about the gay rabbit?

 He found a hare up his ass.

Make sure YOU pay YOUR taxes this year!



¡Muchas gracias!
21 million illegal aliens are depending on you!


"Daddy, Charlie asked me to marry him,
but I told him I couldn’t leave Mama."

"Oh, that’s okay. Take her with you."



Albert Einstein was born March 14, 1879.  He would be 129
if he were alive today.   Few people remember that the
Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal,
after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.  At the time he stated
that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.  
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. 
This came to be know as.......

  




. . . Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'

Oh, quit groaning!  I don't write this stuff,
I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.

           Only in America do they have a General in charge of
the Post Office and a Secretary in charge of defense.

"Don't be silly! You can't get crabs from a toilet seat."

Things to Ponder
 
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
 
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
 
Business conventions are important because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.
 
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger
than everyone else looks?
 
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
 
No one has more driving ambition than the boy
who wants to buy a car.
 
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number
at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
 
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when his team is winning.
 
Money will buy a fine dog,
but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
 
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
 
If you don't have a sense of humor,
you probably don't have any sense at all.
 
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
 
I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
 
Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.
 
The trouble with bucket seats is
that not everybody has the same size bucket.
 
To err is human, to forgive -- highly unlikely.
 
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of
old ladies running around with tattoos? This is way scary.
 
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable
to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
 
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
"What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."

The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.

"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

WASHING THE DOG

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy
if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog!"

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful
and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick.
In fact, it might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent
to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried
to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy.
The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry
the dog died but added,
"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!"

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was
the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!



Southern Thinking

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused
about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary
for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said,
"You graduated from the University of Georgia
and I need some help.
If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,

"Everything but my earrings."



Hospital regulations require a wheel chair
for patients being discharged. However, while working
as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
 insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly
let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down
I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said.
"She's still upstairs in the bathroom
changing out of her hospital gown!"



Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent
and have a real night on the town. They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.

To enter the convent's grounds, they have to crawl under
some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire
on their bellies. As they're crawling under the wire,
the first nun turns to the second and says,

"I feel like a Marine."

The second replies,

"Yeah, me too,
but where can you find one this time of night?

How can you identify an Irish pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.



A drunk walks up to the host of a party and says,
"'Scuse me, but do you have green toilet paper that says,
'Fuck you?'"

The host looks disdainfully at the drunk and says,
"No, I don't have green toilet paper that says, 'Fuck you.'"

"Oh, then I'm terribly sorry," says the drunk,
" I think I just wiped my ass with your parrot."



The Rescue Squad was called to the home of an elderly couple
for an apparent heart attack the gentleman had. When the Squad
got there it was too late and the man had died.

While consoling the wife, one of rescuers noticed that the
bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms
the man had suffered and, if anything had
precipitated the heart attack.

The lady replied,
"Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning,
groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating.
I thought he was coming, but I guess he was going.

Johnny," the teacher started,
"do you know what the word 'paranoia' means?"

"It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied.

"Whatever do you mean by that?"

"It's like when you go into a
restaurant and a well endowed waitress with a low cut uniform
reaches  in front of you and says, 'does my paranoia'?"



Rules For Happiness
~ ~
Free your heart from hatred.
Free your mind from worries.
Live simply.
Give more.
Expect less.




Elderly Foreplay

The first old woman told the second old woman that
sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by
getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting both legs
behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great
idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom
to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the
process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she
was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.
She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so
she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it
behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that
she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt
sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her
husband came out of the bathroom.

"Gladys!" he exclaimed." For heavens sake, comb your
hair and put your teeth in ....
you look like an Asshole."



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