"A pat on the back,

is only a few inches from a kick in the ass."

The Debate
 
Two political candidates were having a hot debate.
 
Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other,
What about the powerful interest that controls you?"
 
And the other guy screamed back,
"You leave my wife out of this!"

BUSTED!

I think it's important to remember that
we just can't be good at everything.
For example, look at Liberace;
he was a great pianist,
but he sucked on the organ.



The miserly millionaire called a family conference.
"I'm placing a box of money in the attic," he said. "When I die,
I intend to grab it on my way up to heaven. See to it that no one touches it until it's my time to go.

"The family respected his wishes. After his death the millionaire's wife looked in the attic. The box of money was still there.

"The fool!" she said.
"I told him he should have put it in the basement."





For Michael's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him
when he came home from work.  After some careful consideration she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in saran wrap
from her shoulders to her ankles.

Pretty soon Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. He walks through the kitchen, places his lunch box down,
and hears his wife say,

" Honey!  I'm in the living room. "

Rounding the corner, he spots her all wrapped up in plastic.
After a quick peek, he immediately says,

" Leftovers again? "







A man walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous
woman. The first thing he noticed about her was her pants. They were skin-tight, high waisted and had no obvious mechanism 
zipper, (buttons or velcro) for opening them.

After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants
up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.

"Excuse me, miss," he asked,
"but how do you get into your pants?"

"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink..."



Confucius Says
- -
Man who scratch ass
should not bite fingernails.
-
Man who eat many
prunes get good run for money.
-
Baseball is wrong:
man with four balls cannot walk.
-
War does not determine who is right,
it determines who is left.
-
Wife who put  husband in doghouse
soon find him in cathouse.
-
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
-
It takes many nails to build crib,
but one screw to fill it.
-
Man who drive like hell,
bound to get there.
-
Man who live in glass house
change clothes in basement.
-
Man who fish in other man's well,
often catch crabs.
-
Crowded elevator
smell different to midget.

I was reading how a female spider will
eat the male spider after mating.
I guess female spiders know that life insurance
is easier to collect than child support.



Lovemaking Tips For Seniors
- -
 
Wear your glasses.  Make sure your partner
is actually in the bed.
 
Set timer for 3 minutes, in case
you doze off in the middle.
 
Set the mood with lighting.  (Turn them ALL OFF!)
 
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial
before you begin.
 
Write partner's name on your hand
in case you can't remember.
 
Keep the poly grip close by so your teeth
don't end up under the bed.
 
Have Tylenol ready in case
you actually complete the act.
 
Make all the noise you want.
The neighbors are deaf too.
 
If it works, call everyone you know
with the good news.
 
Don't even think about trying it twice.

 

HUNG OVER

 ABOUT WOMEN
- -
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us
from achieving them.
Anon

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some
paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. Well we take time
to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight,
dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Mondays and I go Thursdays.
Anon

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking.   It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anon

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'
Anon

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' 
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

JUST A FRIENDLY NOTE
sent to me by my Dentist,
as a reminder....



.....................TO FLOSS REGULARLY !
( That's his Hygienist above. You should see  HER TEETH !! )



A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come
at ten o'clock. Ten o'clock came and went; no plumber;
eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock; no plumber.

She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands.
While she was out, the plumber arrived.

He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, "Who is it?"

He replied, "It's the plumber."

He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited
for her to come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!"

He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"

He said, "It's the plumber!!!!!!!!"

Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked;
again the parrot said, "Who is it?";

"Aarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he pushed
the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack
and he fell dead in the doorway.

The lady came home from her errands, only to see
he door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway,
"A dead body!" she exclaimed, "Who is it?!"

The parrot said, "It's the plumber."



Did 'ya hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking
it was a map of the Sahara Desert.