"Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

 
MARITAL PHILOSOPHY

  When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than to
let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things,
and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is,
"What does a woman want?"
Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she
had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time
to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight,
dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'
Anonymous
 
'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster
than electronic banking.   It's called marriage.'
Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
 The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday
is to forget it once....
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
  Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,
Success keeps you Glowing,
But  ....  Only Friends
Keep You Going !!!




A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
'Holy shit' she screams,
'And you want me to see a doctor
about me sucking my thumb?'

There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. 
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
     1.  to be shot
     2.  to be hanged
     3.  to be injected with AIDS virus for a slow death.

         The German said, "Shoot me right in the head." 
Boom, he was dead instantly.

         The Italian said, "Just hang me." 
Snap!  He was dead.

         Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

        They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. 
       The guards looked at each other and wondered what was
wrong with this guy.  Then the Redneck said,
"Give me another one of those shots,"

So the guards did.  Now he was laughing so hard,
tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.

        Finally the warden said, "What's wrong with you?"

        The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid. 
I've got a condom on!"




Two IRISH MEN were looking at a 
Mail order catalogue and admiring the models.



One says to the other, 
'Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalogue?'



The second one replies, 
'Yes, they are very beautiful. 
And look at the price!'
The first one says, with wide eyes, 
'Wow, they aren't very expensive. 
At this price, I'm buying one.'
The second one smiles and pats him on the back. 
'Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful 
as she is in the catalogue, I will get one too.'

Three weeks later, 
the youngest redneck  asks his friend, 
'Did you ever receive the girl you ordered 
from the catalogue?' 

The second  replies......

SCROLL DOWN ... YOU'LL LOVE IT!

 
 
'No, but it shouldn't be long now. .
She sent all her clothes yesterday!



The Female Genie

While trying to escape  through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found
a bottle  on the sand and picked it  up. Suddenly a female genie
rose from the bottle and with a smile said,
"Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded, "You ignorant,  unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman
giving me  anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must  grant you a wish or
I will be returned to that  bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then  grumbled about the impertinence
of the woman, and said,
"Very well, I  want to awaken with three American women in my bed
in the morning. So just do it and be off with  you."

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and  disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in  bed with Lorena Bobbitt,
Tonya Harding and Nancy Pelosi at his side.  His penis was gone,
his  knees were broken, and he had no health  insurance.

God is good...



A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning 
when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
 breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said.
'We were probably sitting here naked 
as a jaybird fifty years ago..'

'Well,' Granny snickered.  'Let's relive some old times..'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff 
and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My breasts are as hot for you today 
as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.  
'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
-
I ordered a burger at Burger King and the kid 
behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"
-
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
-
When the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds,"
you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
-
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
-
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
-
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies
and learned their children's names.
-
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
-
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
-
Motel 6 won't leave the light on anymore.
-
The Mafia is laying off judges.
-
Exxon-Mobile laid off 25 Congressmen.
-
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff 
scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 billion 
disappear is being investigated by the 
people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!





WHO KNEW..


Einstein was born March 14, 1879.

He would be 130 if he were alive today. 
 
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner 
married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after 
his first marriage dissolved in 1919. 
At the time he stated that he was 
attracted to Elsa because she
 was so well endowed.  
He postulated that if you are attracted to 
women with large breasts, the attraction
is even stronger if there is 
a DNA Connection.


This came to be known as....


 


 
 

Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."

Oh, quit groaning! I don't write this,
I receive it from my warped friends 
and then send it on to you.
It beats the political crap!



California Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...  
Something she just loved to do.
 
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
 "Why do you love doing that?"

"Because" ... she Replied ...
 
"I really miss mine!"




  

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to 
the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope 
into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. 
Their eyes would always light up with awe,
but she never got a response equal 
to four-year old David's comment.

Gently, she tucked the stethoscope into his ears and
placed the disk over his heart. 

"Listen", she said ......."What do you suppose that is?"

He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line 
and looked up as if lost in the mystery of the
 strange *tap* *tap* *tap* in his chest. 
 Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin and he asked,

"Is that Jesus knocking?"