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"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!
LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past "
Many
thanks to
AngOBri,
Heartlast, K1mmm, ToHot4u64, Terrygray11,
Trish, Youniqu101
for contributing to the content of today's page.
Lady Lynx
While
driving in Pennsylvania, we followed an Amish
carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of
humor,
because attached to the back of the carriage
was a hand printed sign:
"Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and
grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust."
REMINDER
March
11th,
2007
Daylight Saving Time Begins
Daylight Saving Time has been used on and off,
with different start and end dates.
Currently, Daylight Saving Time begins at 2:00 A.M.
on the second Sunday of March and ends at 2:00 A.M.
on the first Sunday in November.
Don't forget to turn your clocks
AHEAD
one hour.
Janet," asked the Sunday school bible teacher,
tell the class, please - who was the first man?"
"I'd rather die first!" she snapped.
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, SHIT!
Shit may just be the most functional word
in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck,
Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place
for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit,
forget shit, and tell others to eat shit
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit,
or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and
there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit,
the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself
up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you
fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic
building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit,
you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit;
or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know
that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day,
without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, SHIT Happens!!!
Paddy
decides to go rabbit hunting , but when he gets to
his favorite field he sees the village priest is
already there.
Paddy watches with fascination as the priest
holds his finger
over a rabbit hole and immediately a rabbit pops
out.
The priest grabs it and puts it into a sack.
He repeats this unusual but very successful technique
until his sack is full of rabbits.
Paddy stops the priest and asks him how he does
it.
"Easy,"
says
the priest.
"Put your finger on your wife's pussy and
then hold it
over a rabbit hole. They can't resist the smell,
so when they come out, grab them."
Paddy rushes home to find Maureen
bent over scrubbing the floor. He lifts up
her skirt and applies his finger as directed.
Without looking up, Maureen giggles,
"Holy Moses, Father! Rabbit hunting
again?"
"Gimme some cheap shit loosener!"
Nadine and Jill got summer jobs as cashiers in a
grocery store.
Nadine is ringing up an order on her line and comes to
a small dairy carton that isn't scanning and has no
price on it. She yells out to Jill, "How much is
half-and-half?"
Without a moment's hesitation Jill replied, "One."
A Californian doctor examining a young blonde woman with abdominal
pains asked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn't.
A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said
that she was not sexually active, the blonde replied,
"I'm not, I just lie there."
When asked if she knew who the father was, with a
puzzled look she replied,
"No, Who?"
A lonely guy sees a beautiful Hispanic girl sitting alone at the bar.
He approaches her and says,
"Hey, Baby! You must be from Jamaica
because Jamaican me horny!"
She turns, takes one look at him, and answers,
"You must be from the Yukon
because Yukon go screw yourself!"
Dennis Rodman finds a bottle on the beach & picks it up.
Suddenly, a female genie appears from the bottle.
"Master, may I grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.
"Hey Bitch...don't you know who I am?
I don't need no woman givin' me nuttin!" barks Rodman.
The genie pleads, "But, Master, I must grant you a wish
or I will be returned to this bottle forever."
Dennis thinks a moment...then grumbling about
the inconvenience of it all he says,
"Ok, ok...I wanna wake up with three women in my bed in the morning,
so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil glare, he screams,
"Now leave me alone!"
So the annoyed genie says, "So be it!",
and disappears back into the bottle.
The next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding,
& Hillary Clinton in bed with him. His penis is gone, his leg is broken,
and he has no health insurance.
Redneck Man's pick up lines
1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in
em.
6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.
8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something
that would break the ice."
9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.
10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.
and.... the best for last!
13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate
their 40th wedding anniversary.
"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.
"Not really," says Mary.
"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.
"No," she responds.
"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.
She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."
"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.
"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.
"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.
A woman is complaining to her friend about her marriage.
Her friend says, "Yeah, I understand, I guess there isn't anymore
magic in your life."
"Oh, no, there's still some magic!
Every Saturday night he disappears!"
A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne.
She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the
back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours another
glass and again tips it down her skirt back.
Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks
down your skirt?"
"Well," the woman replies, "I've just won the lottery
and this is the only asshole I'm sharing it with."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
damnable curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "The Son Of A Bitch said,
'I now pronounce you man and wife."
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets
through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly
missing another golfer.
When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by
his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second,
"you had plenty of time to yell
'OH, SHIT!"
What's the difference between a police car and a porcupine?
Porcupines have pricks on the outside.
What is the difference between a good lawyer
and a great Lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge.
Thoughts
Every night , someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.
At least fifteen people in this world love you.
The only reason someone would ever hate you
is because they want to be just like you.
There are at least two people in this world that would die for you.
You mean the world to someone.
Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
When you make the biggest mistake ever,
something good comes from it.
Always remember the compliments you received.
Forget the rude remarks.
The Ten Commandments Of Employment
1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. if it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!"
In
case we find ourselves starting to believe all the
anti-American sentiment and negativity we hear these
days,
we should
remember the words of
England's
Prime Minister Toni Blair
during a recent interview.
When asked by one of his Parliament members
why he believes so much in America, he said:
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to
look at
how many want in... And how many want out.
Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for
you:
1. Jesus Christ
2. The American G. I.
One died for your soul,
the other for your freedom."
We
All Still Have Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
HUNK
"
WOW "
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