"A pat on the back,

is only a few inches from a kick in the ass."

A blonde city girl marries a  Texas rancher.
One morning, on his way out to the fields,
the rancher says to her,
'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate
one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just
above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him
where the cow is when
 he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields.
After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives
knocks on the front door.

The wife takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail,
she tells him,
'This is the one, right here.'
 
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks,
'Tell me, lady, 'cause I'm dying to know;
How would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?'

 'That's simple. By the nail over its stall,'
she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says,
'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

She turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder.
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

Now that fur is starting to become fashionable once again, a lady donned her full-length mink and went to the Mall.

She was stopped by an animal rights activist, "Look Lady, do you know how many animals had to die in order to make that coat?"

"And do you know how many animals I had to screw to get it?" sneered the fur wearer back.



A guy goes to a whorehouse and says to the Madam,
I want to get screwed."

The Madam tells him to go up to room #12 and knock on the door.
He walks up to the door, knocks on it, and says,
"I really want to get screwed, bad!"

A very sexy voice replies "Just slide $20 under the door."

So the man slides the $20 under the door and waits...
Nothing Happens! He knocks on the door again, and yells out
"I want to get screwed!"

The sexy voice behind the door answers,

"Again?"

 

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.

Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?"

Grandpa looks at him and says "No Johnny, I will not."

"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies:
"Because there is no sense in putting lead in your
pencil if you have no one worth writing to."

Alcohol does not make you FAT - it makes you LEAN ....
against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.



I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.



      Remember    
Spring Forward

  
Daylight Saving Time Begins
Sunday, March 8, 2009 
Turn your clocks FORWARD one hour
Saturday night, March 7th!

 
Daylight Saving Time Begins
Trying to control her dry hair, a woman treated
her scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor,
she washed her hair several times.
That night when she went to bed,
she leaned over to her husband and asked,
"Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing her.
"Do I smell like Popeye?"

An old nun was living in a convent next to a construction site.
Noticing the coarse language of the workers, she decided
to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch,
sit with the workers, and talk with them.

She put her sandwiches in a brown paper bag
and walked over to the spot where the men
were eating and said with a big smile,

"Do you know Jesus Christ?"

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the
workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled

"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down

"Yeah, why?"

The worker yelled back

"Cause his wife's here with his lunch."



 An insurance salesman reported back to his boss
after several weeks on the road and said,

'All I got was two orders.'

'What were they? Anything good?'

'Nope,' the salesman replied.
'They were 'Get out!' and 'Stay out!'

In honor of the mother of the octuplets,
Denny's is offering a new breakfast special:

You get fourteen eggs, no sausage,
and the guy next to you has to pay the bill.


 
Two men were out fishing, when they found a lamp
floating in the water. One of the men picked it up
and rubbed it, causing a genie
to explode from the lamp.

Unfortunately, it was a very low-level genie and he could only
grant one wish. The men thought for a few minutes and
then wished for the entire lake to be made of the
best beer in the world.

With a poof! the wish was granted.

All of a sudden, one of the men got really angry.
"Dammit! Now we have to pee in the boat!"


 
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8.
The obviously well trained salesman says,

"But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half."

"Just bring me a size eight."

The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them
and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says,

"I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law,
my daughter ran off with my best friend, my business has
filed Chapter 11, and my son just told me he was gay.
The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night
and take my shoes off."


 
The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time
with the blood of patriots and tyrants.
                                                                  Thomas Jefferson

 BANKER  SCUM