GOD BLESS THE IRISH

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
 
 "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
 
 Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
 
 Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".


 
 Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
 
 It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
 
 Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how
to pick the bloody thing up.
 

 
 Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
 
 "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
 
 "NO", shouts Paddy, "THIS IS HER HUSBAND!! " 


 
 Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to
swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
 
 A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
 
 Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
 
 Cop says "For gods sake Paddy, that's your
air freshener swinging about!"
 


 An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
 
 His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
 
 He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
 
 "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
 
 "Here boy" he replies.
 

 
 Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him
hanging by his feet.
 
 "What the hell you doing?" he asks.
 
 "Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
 
 "It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
 
 "I know" says Paddy "but then I couldn't  breathe".
 
    
 
An answer I can understand. 
An American tourist asks an Irishman:     

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the Irishman replies: 
"If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

Visit To Ireland
 
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in
the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The
bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's
too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the
Blarney Stone, "the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being
cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we
can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We
have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss
the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone
who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

                                         Thanks Trish

AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: 
Good luck. I hope it works for you all ..

May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;

May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;

May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

And . . may you be in heaven a half hour 
before the devil knows you're dead.

A Scotsman was dying.  On his deathbed, he looked up and asked,
"Is my wife here?"

His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here.  I'm right next to you.."

The Scot inquires, "Are my children here?"

"Yes, daddy, we are all here," say the children.

The Scotsman:  "Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

The Scot gets up and says,
"Then why the heck is the light on in the kitchen?"

BLUE BIRD OF HAPPINESS, MY ASS!     

It's Friggin' Freezing.  There's snow up my ass, all the food's 
covered with 3 feet of this white shit, and you want ME to sing?   
What??  Anne Murray's "Snowbird"?  Piss Off!!   
Next year, I'm flyin' to Florida where there's
always lots of food at Tootsie's house!!!

 A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and
under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.  

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair
and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared
calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining
companion had disappeared.

The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said,
"No, he didn't. He just walked in."

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her
wicked stepmother won't let her.
 
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go
to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm."
 
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
 
"You must be home by 2 am. Any later, and your
diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
 
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 am. The appointed hour comes
and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 am,
Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
 
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.
"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
 
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother.  He took care of everything."
 
"I know of no prince with that kind of power!  Tell me his name!"
 
"I can't remember, exactly - Peter Peter . . something or other...."

Three ducks arrive at the police station.  In deciding why they
were here, a police officer goes up to the first duck and says

"What's your name??"

The duck replies "Quack."

       The police officer then asks, "And why are you here??" 
  
The duck says, "For blowing bubbles in the pond." 
  
"Blowing bubbles in the pond?  That's illegal! 
That's a $50.00 fine!!"  The duck agrees to pay the fine.

       The police officer goes up to the second duck and says
"What's your name??"

       The duck replies "Quack Quack."

       The police officer then asks, "And why are you here??"    
The duck says, "For blowing bubbles in the pond."    
"Blowing bubbles in the pond!  That's illegal!  That's
a $50.00 fine!!"  The duck agrees to pay the fine.

       The police officer goes up to the third duck and says,
"And your name must be Quack Quack Quack."

       And the duck replies, "NO! It's Bubbles."

Chutzpah

Chutzpah is a Yiddish word meaning gall, brazen nerve, effrontery, 
sheer guts plus arrogance; 
 
It's Yiddish and, as  Leo Rosten writes, no other word and 
no other language can do it justice. 
 
This example is better than 1,000 words...   
 
   
THE ESSENCE OF CHUTZPAH...

 A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner  for 25 cents each.. 
  
   Every day a young man would leave his  office building at lunch time, 
and as he passed the pretzel  stand, 
 
   he would leave her a quarter, but never take a  pretzel.
 
And this went on for more than 3 years. 
 
The two of them never spoke. 
 
 One day, as the young man passed the old  lady's stand and 
left his quarter as usual, the pretzel lady  spoke to him. 
 
   Without blinking an eye she said:   
"They're 35 cents now." 

I was recently in Miami and decided to learn the Spanish language,
so I could understand the check-outs at McDonalds.

My next move is to learn Indian, so I can understand
my doctors and the person that answers the phone
when I have a warranty problem.

Yep, by the time I read this, I was able to understand the 1st line. 

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

 This is a hoot .... Sad, because it is TRUE ..... But a hoot!!!!
By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
(our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language!
Practice by reading the following  conversation until you
are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".
With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel
guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to
oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what
'judo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes?

Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...
  Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

Room Service: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

Room Service: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem,
Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this

YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".......and you do, don't you! 

A teacher was questioning her students as to who
would vote for Sara Palin. Everyone raised their hands except for 1.  
Whereupon the teacher asked Timmy why he did not raise his hand. 

He answered that he was a democrat....his Mother was, his  Father was, 
therefore he was, too.  

The teacher asked, 

"What would you do if your Mother was an idiot and your Father a moron"

Timmy's reply was:  Then I would vote for Sara Palin.

TWO BROTHERS

Once  upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous,  
always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was   very good. 
He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, 
and led an exemplary life......

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil brother
became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a devoted 
husband and father and supported many charities

One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good  brother passed away. 
He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life. One day he went
to God and asked, 
"Where is my brother? He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.."

God  replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life,  so he is not spending 
eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere ."

I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.
"But I do miss him and wish I could see him again."

"You can see him if you wish", God said  "I will give you power to gaze into hell."

So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long 
he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, 
and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

The good brother turned to God and said,
"I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has 
a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. 
Surely, hell can not be that bad."

God explained:

"Things are not always as they seem, my son. 
The keg has a hole in it.
The blonde doesn't."