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Many
thanks to all and to
Trish,
MRuss74101, AngOBri, EWalds, CLRiley,
Nekia, Sammy562, Tootsie, Terrygray11
for contributing to the content
of today's page.
Lady Lynx
"Start
every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
A guy is going on a tour of a factory
that produces various
latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine
that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.
The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise.
"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the
mold,"
explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle
poking
a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory
where condoms are manufactured.
The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop"
noise.
"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour.
"I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's
that 'pop'
every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple
machine,"
says the guide. It pokes a hole in every fourth
condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah", says the guide,
"but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple
business!"
Wifely Intervention - The Beach 101
ELEMENTARY THOUGHTS ABOUT MOM
Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children
to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me.
He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and
everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones.
Then they mostly use string. I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other
Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more
than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other
stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but
my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did Mom need to know about dad before she married
him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook?
3. Does he get drunk on beer?
4. Does he make at least $800 a year?
5. Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.
And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap
on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to
because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection.
She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because
she has a lot more to
do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home,
and dads just got to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the
real power
'cause that's who you got to ask if you want
to sleep over at your friend's.'
What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect.
Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your Mom, what
would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room
clean.
I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did it and not me,
A
fart it is a pleasant thing,
It gives the belly ease,
It warms the bed in winter,
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet,
A fart can be loud,
Some leave a powerful,
Poisonous cloud.
A fart can be short,
Or a fart can be long,
Some farts have been known
To sound like a song......
A fart can create
A most curious medley,
A fart can be harmless,
Or silent , and deadly.
A fart might not smell,
While others are vile,
A fart may pass quickly,
Or linger a while......
A fart can occur
In a number of places,
And leave everyone there,
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie,
To small elevators,
A fart will find us all
Sooner or later.
Farts are all bad,
Is simply not true-
We must never forget....
Old farts like me and you!
DICTIONARY
FOR
DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish........................ ............54.
Adventurous...........................Slept with everyone.
Athletic..................................No boobs.
Average looking...................... Mooooooo.
Beautiful................................Pathological
liar.
Emotionally Secure.................On medication.
Feminist.................................Fat.
Free Spirit..............................Junkie.
Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
New-Age................................Body hair in the
wrong places.
Old-fashioned.........................No BJs or UTA
Open-minded..........................Desperate.
Outgoing................................Loud and
embarrassing.
Professional...........................Bitch.
Voluptuous.............................Very fat.
Large frame............................Hugely fat.
I
WILL SOON HAVE BIRD DOG PUPS FOR SALE
ANYONE WHO IS INTERESTED MAY CONTACT ME HERE.
THE LITTER WILL PROBABLY BE ABOUT 7 - 10 PUPS.
I WILL SELL ALL AT A VERY REASONABLE PRICE.
THE PICTURE BELOW OF THE MOM AND DAD, WILL GIVE YOU
AN IDEA OF WHAT THE PUPS WILL LOOK LIKE.
PLEASE LET ME KNOW QUICKLY,
AS THEY SHOULD GO VERY FAST.
THANKS
Two families move from Pakistan to America.
When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see,
in a year's time, which family has become
more Americanized.
A year later they meet again.
The first man says,
"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at
McDonalds, and I'm on my way to pick up
a case of Bud. How about you?"
The second man replies,
"Fuck you, towel head".
A
young man calls on his new girl for a first date.
"I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a
bit late. Please come
in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain
you
while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you, though,
they are both deaf mutes."
After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom jumps
from her chair,
pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers, and pours a
glass of water
over her fanny.
Just
as suddenly, Dad launches himself across the room,
bends her over the couch, and takes her from behind.
He then sits back down in his chair and balances
a match stick in front of his eye.
The
room is plunged back into eerie silence and
the young man is shocked into disbelief.
After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully
dressed
and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster
with the young man completely distracted by
the on goings earlier in the living room.
At the end of the night, the girl asks, "What's the
matter?
Have I done something wrong?"
"No,
its not you," he replied, "It's just that the
strangest thing happened
while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked.
Well,
first your Mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her
skirt,
pulls down her panties, and throws a glass of water over
her behind.
Then, as if that weren't enough, your Father races from
his chair,
leans her over the couch and does her from behind.
He then sits back down and places a match stick by his
eye."
"Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.
The man can't believe her casual response.
"That's how they communicate!, Mom was simply saying,
"Are you going to get this asshole a drink?"
and Dad was replying, "No, screw him - I'm watching
the match."
If a man is alone in the forest, without any women,
is he still wrong?
What
The New Job-Lingo Means
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We
have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We
don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up;
well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll
be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some
time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone
in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We
have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female
applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've
filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal
formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF
EXPERIENCE"
You'll
need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're
walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll
have the responsibilities of a manager,
without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management
communicates, you listen,
figure out what they want and do it.
Three
old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man,
"What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.
The doctor worriedly says to the second man,
"It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man,
"Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?
"Nine" says the third man.
"That's great!" exclaims the doctor.
"How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third
man.
"I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."
My wife never quite got the hang of the 24-hour military
clock.
One day she called the orderly room to speak with me.
The person who answered told her to call me at the
extension
in the band rehearsal hall.
"He can be reached at 4700, Ma'am," the soldier
advised.
With a sigh of exasperation, my wife responded,
"And just what time is that?"
Abe, an old Jewish man, was dying.
On his deathbed, he looked up and said,
"Is my wife here?"
His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to
you.."
So Abe asks, "Are my children here?"
"Yes, daddy, we're all here," say the children.
Abe inquires, "Are my other relatives also
here?"
And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."
So Abe sits up and yells,
"THEN WHY IS THE LIGHT ON IN THE KITCHEN?!?"
TOMORROW
MAY NEVER COME
He
was going to be all that a mortal should be - tomorrow.
No one should be kinder or braver than he - tomorrow.
A friend who was troubled and weary he knew,
Who'd be glad of a lift and who needed it, too;
On him he would call and see what he could do -
tomorrow.
Each
morning he stacked up the letters he'd write - tomorrow.
And thought of the folks he would fill with delight -
tomorrow.
It was too bad, indeed, he was busy today,
And hadn't a minute to stop on his way;
More time he would have to give others, he'd say -
tomorrow.
The
greatest of workers this man would have been - tomorrow.
The world would have known him, had he ever seen -
tomorrow.
But the fact is he died and he faded from view,
And all that he left here, when living was through,
Was a mountain of things he intended to do - tomorrow.
The George W Bush Presidential Library
Now in the planning stages.
You'll want to be the first in your neighborhood to make
a contribution to this great man's legacy.
The Library will include:
The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under
construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember
anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room,
where you don't have to even show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you
in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room
(Which no one has been able to find).
The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour,
they make you go back for a second, third, fourth,
and sometimes a fifth tour.
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location,
complete with shooting gallery.
Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop -
Where you can buy (or just steal) an election.
The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet
some of your favorite Republican Senators.
Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted
to a 7/8
scale model of the President's ego.
To highlight the President's accomplishments,
the museum will have an electron microscope
to help you locate them.
When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so
much
about the individual exhibits as long as his museum
was better than his father's.
Is it November yet????????????????
A Frickin' Elephant
Jake is 5 and learning to read.
He points at a picture in a zoo book and says,
"Look Mama! It's a frickin' Elephant!"
Deep breath ... "What did you call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama! It says so on
the picture!"
and so it does . . .
" A f r i c a n Elephant "
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He
shoots his
friend and kills him. Wife says, " If you keep on
behaving like this,
you'll lose ALL your friends."
<>
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Send me a
brother."
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER."
<>
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress.
<>
What's the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant. Tension is when
girlfriend
is pregnant. Panic is when both are pregnant.
<>
Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one,
and my mom fainted, dad had a heart attack,
& our neighbor ran away.
<>
A woman asks man who is traveling with six children,
"Are all these kids yours??"
The man replies sarcastically,
"No, I work in a condom factory and
these are customer complaints."
<>
A young boy asks his Dad,
"What is the difference between confident
and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son. I'm confident about
that.
Your friend over there is also my son. That's
confidential!"
AGELESS SAGE ADVICE
as
sound today as it ever was
"Life
is a short, meaningless journey filled
with pain. Get all the pussy you can!"
When you are young and foolish,
speed and flashy may be a good thing.
When you get older and smarter,
comfort and dull is not such a bad thing!!
"America"
WHY
I LOVE HER
http://sagebrushpatriot.com/america.htm
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YOUR BACK
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" What
America MAKES ... MAKES America ! "
BUY AMERICAN PRODUCTS
Help keep our DOLLARS right here in
the U.S.A.
We
All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to November.
Keep Informed.
Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE
your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be
kinder than necessary, for everyone you know
is fighting some kind of battle!"
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power,
the world will know peace."
Jimi
Hendrix
AMERICA
The Land of The FREE
Because of The BRAVE
"
WOW "
http://www.thecopymacheen.com
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