"A pat on the back,

is only a few inches from a kick in the ass."

NEW MATH

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement
1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

52 cards: 1 decacards

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University
           
Hospital: 1 I.V. League

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.
After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion, I did
succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,

"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that
you remain celibate?"

"Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the
temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak
and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent,
thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said,
"Beats the crap out of a ham sandwich,
doesn't it?"

A nervous young guy was walking up and down the waiting room
at the Maternity hospital, and he looked at a cool, and calm
older man, who was reading a magazine.
The younger man said,
"I guess you have been here a few times."

"Yes," said the older man.

The young wanted to know,
"How long after the baby is born, can you have sex with the Mother?

The older guy equitably replied,
"It depends on whether she's in a open ward or a private room."



Road Signs
you may have missed




















Thought for the day: 
"No woman will ever be truly satisfied because
no man will ever have a chocolate penis that ejaculates money."


















After being with his blind date all evening,
the man couldn't take another minute with her.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend
call him to the phone so he would have an excuse
to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes,
put on a grim expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank goodness," his date replied.
"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
















Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and
hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out there).
  
He  drives to  Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.   He
reaches under to see if  the cow gives milk.  When he  grabs a teat and pulls...the cow farts.  Surprised, Ole looks at the farmer who's selling the cow, then reaches under to try again.
  
He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again.  Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow.
  
When he gets  back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, 'Hey, Sven, come and look at dis ere new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.'

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat...the cow farts.

Sven looks at  Ole and says, 'You bought dis here cow over in
Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.  Ole
replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how did yah know?'
  
Sven says, 'My wife is from Nordakota too.'

 

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes
and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker
opens the garage door.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead
of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure these are jokes?



New Jersey
A Winter Poem
<>
It's winter in New Jersey
And the gentle breezes blow
Forty miles an hour
At twenty-five below.
  
Oh, how I love New Jersey
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.
 
Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave New Jersey
Cause I'm frozen to the ground!