Many thanks to all and to
Trish, Purplemakesmesmile, AngOBri, ArcaMax, Nekia,
Terrygray11, MRuss74101, Philalakes
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55
mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases
speed to 60 mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of
it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up
as his anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster,
now he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account,
and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says,
"Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"





OLD - - BUT STILL FUNNY

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
- -
How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
Give him a tampon and ask him which period it came from.
- -
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch
sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
- -
What's the difference between love, true love,
and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
- -
What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.
- -
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars
they have no intention of driving.
- -
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
- -
What do you call a guy standing beside the road
with his hand up a horse's ass?
An Amish mechanic.
- -
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand
and a dozen donuts.
- -
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat that last donut.
- -
The three words men hate to hear most during sex?
"Are you in?"
- -
The three words women hate to hear most during good sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"

Steph was telling her boyfriend, Jeff
"According to archaeologists, for millions of years
the Neanderthal man was not fully erect."

And Jeff's reply was, "That's pretty easy to understand
considering how ugly the Neanderthal women were!"





One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home
to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance:
leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside
and confessed their concern.

"Dear," said the mother diplomatically,
"he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter,
"if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing
500 hours of community service?"

Morris had been playing golf for years,
and he had the finest equipment,
but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole
and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods.
On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake.
On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.



 Ramblings of a Retired Mind

 I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those
cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
- -
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.
- -
I was thinking that women should
put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
- -
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age
is 'when you still have something on the ball,
but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
- -
I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age,
and call it "Pumping Rust."
- -
I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease.
That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
- -
I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say,
"No, it's for company!"
- -
Employment application blanks always ask
'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.'
I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
- -
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do...write to these men?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?
Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!
- -
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older.
Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals.
- -
As for me, I'm just hoping
God grades on the curve.



During an attack of laryngitis I lost my voice completely for two days.
To help me communicate with him, my husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant, "Give me a kiss," two taps meant "Yes,"
seven taps meant "No," and 95 taps meant
"Take out the garbage."



There were two old men sitting on a park bench.

Tina, a blonde woman, walks by. One old man says to the other one,
"Ever sleep with a blonde?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

Angie, a brunette, then walks by. The old man says to the other,
"Ever sleep with a brunette?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

Amy, a redhead, walks by, and the old man says to the other,
"Ever sleep with a redhead?"

The other old man smiles and says, "Nope, not a wink."

Dan Rather is interviewing Monica and said,
"Monica, this trouble will pass and you're still young
and have a future in front of you.
What would you like to do with the rest of your life?"

Monica said,
"Well, Dan, I have thought of going back to school."

Dan said, "That  is a great idea. What would you like to be?"

Monica said, "I would  like to be a doctor."

Dan laughed and said,
"You can never be a doctor... You sucked as an intern."

If you're not familiar with the work of STEVEN WRIGHT, he's the
famous erudite scientist who once said,
"I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen
and replaced by exact duplicates!"

His mind tends to see things a bit differently than the rest of us
mortals.  Here are some of his gems:
 
    1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
 
    2 - Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
 
    3 - Half the people you know are below average
 
    4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name
 
    5 - 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot
 
    6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts
           feel so good
 
    7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
 
    8 - If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain
 
    9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand
 
    10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse
          gets the cheese
 
    11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend,
but she left me before we met
 
    12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?
 
    13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
 
    14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
         overlooked something
 
    15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
 
    16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the
          wrong lane 
 
    17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense
          to be lazy
 
    18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now
 
    19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good
 
    20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her
          some friends?
 
    21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into
          jet engines
 
    22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
 
    23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes,
          so I made your horn louder"
 
    24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
 
    25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that
          you tried
 
    26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking
 
    27- Experience is something you don't get until just after
          you need it
 
    28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness
          of the bread
 
    29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal
          from many is research
 
    30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard
 
    31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to
          catch up
 
    32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is
          required to be on it
 
    33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't
          have film
 
    AND THE ALL TIME FAVORITE:

    34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
            headlights work?

Grandkids
 
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup,
under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter
as she'd done many  times before. After she applied her
lipstick and started to leave,  the little one said,
"But Gramma, you forgot
to kiss the toilet  paper good-bye!"
 
>><<
 
My young  grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me  how old I was, and I told him, "62."
He was quiet for a moment, and  then he asked,
"Did you start at  1?"
 
>><<
   
My grandson was visiting  one day when he asked,
"Grandma, do you know how you and God are  alike?"
I mentally polished my halo while I asked,
"No, how are we  alike?"

"You're both old," he  replied.
 
>><<
 
A little girl was  diligently pounding away on her grandfather's
word processor. She told  him she was writing a story.
"What's it about"? he asked  her.
'I don't know,' she replied. "I can't  read!"
 
>><<
 
I didn't know if my  granddaughter had learned her colors yet,
so I decided to test her. I  would point out something and ask
what color it was. She would tell me and  was always correct.
It was fun for me, so I continued.
At last she  headed for the door, saying sagely,
"Grandma, I think you should  try to figure out
some of  these yourself!"
 
>><<
 
When my grandson asked  me how old I was, I teasingly replied,
"I'm not sure."
"Look  in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised.
"mine says, I'm four  to six."
 


BUSH'S DRIVER!! 

President Bush and his driver were cruising along a country road
one night, when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Bush told his driver to go up to the farm house
and explain to the owners what had happened.

About an hour later Bush sees his driver staggering back
to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other
and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you", asked Bush.

"Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the Cigar
and his 19 year old daughter made mad passionate love to me,"
says the driver.

"My God, whatever did you tell them?" asks Bush.

The driver replies, "I'm President Bush's driver,
and I just killed the pig."



How do we know men invented maps?

Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Bill and Doug were having a drink at the bar and Bill says,
"I found my wife's G-spot".

Doug says, "Oh yeah?"

Bill replies, "Yep - my neighbor had it."

" What America MAKES ... MAKES America ! "
BUY AMERICAN PRODUCTS
Help keep our DOLLARS right here in the U.S.A. 






           

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet
is fighting some kind of battle!"

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

A HUNK

" OH  MY! WOW WOW WOWEEEEEE"

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