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He was so in love with her that he
offered her
anything that she may desire.
"All I want," she cooed, "is a solid
gold Boy Scout knife."
"But you can have anything in the world!",
exclaimed the stunned suitor.
"That's all I want." cooed the doll.
When he brought her the solid gold Boy Scout knife,
she beamed happily.
"Are you sure that this is all that you want to
make you
happy?" inquired the still mystified suitor.
"What are you going to do with it?"
She opened a hope chest to put the knife inside,
thereby
revealing hundreds of similar gold Boy Scout knives.
"But....but...WHY?" stammered the confused
man.
"Well," she explained, "right now I'm
very young and
beautiful and everybody wants me. But when I
grow old,
and not so attractive and desirable...can you imagine
what a Boy Scout will do for one of these
knives?"
My ex- girlfriend
has a picture
of a sea shell tattooed on
her inner thigh.
If you put your ear to it,
you can smell the ocean.
Once upon
a time there was a female brain cell which, by
mistake, happened to end up in a man's head. She
looked around nervously because it was all empty and
quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is
there anyone here?"
she cried a little louder, but still no
answer. Now the female brain cell started to feel
alone and scared and yelled at the top of
her voice,
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a faint voice from far, far
away..............
"We're down here .....
A
young lad was out with his dad in the park when he
spotted a woman
about to breastfeed her baby. She unbuttoned her
blouse, rolled out a
very large breast and popped the rosy nipple into the
child's mouth.
"Dad! What's that woman doing to that baby?"
the lad asked.
"Relax, mate. She's just feeding him," the
father replied.
"Get the fuck outta here!" the boy,
exclaimed.
"There's no way he'll eat all of
that!"
Mary
had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
A
hotel busboy looked through the keyhole of the
honeymoon suite and exclaimed,
"Wowie!"
A maid heard him and pushed him out of the way for a
look.
She said, "Oh, my God!"
Just then the maitre d' walked down the hall
and moved her out of the way. He took a look and said,
"I can't believe he complained about a hair in
his soup last night!"
SIMPLE
SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"
Two guys are sitting at a bar.
One starts to insult the other one.
He screams,
"I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see
what the other guy will do
The first again yells,
"I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says:
"Go home dad, you're drunk."
One woman says to another,
"I can't understand why you haven't gone to see
that new gynecologist yet!"
"My gynecologist is fine. I don't need to
change."
"But the new one's so young and handsome,
while your gynecologist is so old!"
The other woman replies with a smile,
"Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the
time!"
Only
when the plumbing is stopped up do you realize that
a flush is better than a full house.
An elderly couple was attending church services
and halfway through she leans over and says:
" I just had a long silent fart...
what do you think I should do?"
He replies:
" Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
The average man's life consists of
twenty years
of having his mother ask him where he is going;
forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wondering too!
LOVE IS . .
Kids
have the right idea
"Love is what makes you smile when
you're tired."
Terri - age 4
"Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas
if you stop
opening presents and listen."
Bobby - age 7
"If you want to learn to love better, you
should start with a
friend who you hate."
Nikka - age 6
"Love is when your puppy licks your face
even after you left
him alone all day."
Mary Ann - age 4
"When someone loves you, the way they say your
name is
different. You just know that your name is safe
in their mouth."
Billy - age 4
A
first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to
her class that
she is a Republican and how nice it is that there is
a Republican
in office office. She asks her students to raise
their hands if they, too, are Republicans
and support George Bush.
Everyone in class raises their hands except one little
girl.
"Mary," says the teacher with surprise,
"why didn't you raise your hand?"
Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary.
"Well, what are you?" asks the teacher.
"I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies
the little girl.
The teacher cannot believe her ears.
"My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?"
she asks.
"Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a
Democrat."
You don't always have to be like your parents. What if
your
momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal,
too,
what would you be then?"
Mary smiled. "Then we'd be Republicans."
FOR SALE - - QUARTER HORSE
Husband:
"Honey, why do you usually answer me back
with a question when I ask you something?"
Wife: "Is that what I do?"
DEMOCRACY
. . .
a form of government by the people, in which everybody
knows how things should be handled except those
elected to do the job.
CLRiley
Trish
STUFF TO PONDER
FAIR &
BALANCED
He says .
. She says
Trish:
Saddam was a good guy when
Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made
war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business
with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we
can't find Bin Laden" diversion
CLRiley:
As I recall
your favorite President Clinton also said Saddam
was also a bad guy. The problem is that Clinton
thought firing a few missiles into the desert
would scare him into being a good guy. All Clinton
did was leave the problem for his replacement
to handle. You also seem to forget that that
area of the world was not a big problem for the U
S until another of your Presidents, Carter,
forced our friend the Shaw of Iran to leave.
Trade with Cuba is wrong
because the country is communist, but trade with
China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of
international harmony.
Again, you
seem to forget that it was under the leadership of
President Kennedy that Cuba was lost to the
communist, and it was Kennedy/Johnson that was
responsible for the embargo. It was also President
Kennedy that got us into the conflict with Vietnam
and a Republican President Nixon that got us out
of the conflict. That little conflict cost us
about 50,000 American lives, but you didn't see
Republican Senators, and past Vice Presidents
going to other countries and calling the
Democratic President a terrorist who tortures
prisoners. I think you would agree that the
relationship with China and Vietnam is better
solution than what was created by then President
Kennedy.
A woman can't be trusted
with decisions about her own body, but
multinational corporations can make decisions
affecting all mankind without regulation.
Women have
every right to make decisions about their body.
The first decision should be , if they don't want
a baby they should take steps to insure that they
don't get pregnant. If they are decide not to act
responsibly and do become pregnant, they should
not have the right to murder an innocent
unborn baby. I wasn't aware that the United States
had unilateral control of multinational
corporations. Did I miss something?
Jesus loves you, and shares
your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
I hope he
agrees with me that both are deviants.
The best way to improve
military morale is to praise the troops in
speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and
combat pay.
Slapping
the troops on the back is a very good way of
boosting morale. Another is to let them know
everyday that you support them, not call them
terrorist like your would be President Kerry has
done. I have a reunion every year with my old
military buddies, many of whom are veterans of
Vietnam and/or subsequent wars. They all tell me
that everything, including medical benefits have
improved since President Bush became Commander and
Chief.
If condoms are kept out of
schools, adolescents won't have sex.
Sex among teenagers
has sure decreased since the hippie generation
decided we needed to have classes on how to
install a condom. You tell me which worked better,
showing kids how to use a condom, or teaching them
that responsibility goes with sex, and that
abstaining don't make you evil.
Providing
health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism
Helping
the emerging country of Iraq establish a modern
medical system is a noble thing to do. You and other
liberals that complain about this know we are just
helping and that when we leave the continuing of
medical services will be left to the Iraqis. Yes,
providing free health care to all Americans is
Socialism, and the cost to maintain will eventually
make us a second rate country, just like most of
Europe.
HMOs
and insurance companies have the best interests of
the public at heart
I
agree that the level of medical services provided to
Americans has deteriorated significantly in the past
few years. The cause is due to the courts and
interference by government into what should be
a completely free enterprise. If you want to get
a small look at what has happened just go
to any emergency room and take a look at who is
there for treatment. Most are not emergencies, and
most do not plan to pay for services provided,
but since hospitals have been mandated to provide
emergency services all will be treated. Yes
socialism will destroy what was once the best
medical system in the world.
Global
warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in
schools.
This
is a strange one. I don't think anyone claims that
tobacco's link to cancer is disputed. This has been
accepted for fifty years. But, I do think it is
stupid to blame the tobacco industry when someone
who had these facts, and still decides to smoke gets
cancer. Only a liberal could think this makes sense.
And why shouldn't creationism be taught? Some
colleges have classes that teach that homosexuality
is normal. Being the radical that I am, I think
that providing someone with information
about a belief that teaches morality,
respect, love of one another, and a higher
being, is better that teaching that a deviant
lifestyle is normal.
A
president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense.
A President
lying under oath should be impeachable. The issue
was never about the affair, if he would have just
told the truth from the beginning the whole thing
would have died in a short time. Remember the
press thought anything he did was fine, unlike this
stupid attack on Chaney for accidentally shooting a
friend while hunting. This happens thousands of
times a year. I don't know of anyone that has been a
bird hunter for any period of time that can't tell
you about someone that was hit with bird shot.
A president lying to enlist
support for a war in which thousands die, is solid
defense policy.
If the
President Bush was lying so was the intelligence
agencies of every country in the world.
Government should limit
itself to the powers named in the Constitution,
which include banning gay marriages and censoring
the Internet.
Just a
minute, I think it was you that above was
complaining that the government was not giving free
medical to everyone. I am also sure that you support
all of the other social programs that take money
from the hardworking tax payer, and give it to those
that choose to make poor lifestyle decisions. You
may find this hard to believe but I also think the
truly disabled should be supported, and I think
temporary aid should be provided to those that for
whatever reason lose a job. But, as I said this aid
should be temporary. Those that choose to be bums
deserve to live like bums. They should not live at a
level with hard working Americans that chose to do
whatever was necessary to prosper in a free society.
And please don't give me this BS about minorities
being discriminated against. I was a Manager for the
last 25 years I worked and was mandated to hire
minority workers. In most cases during this period
minorities were hired, even though better qualified
white workers were available. Does this make me a
bigot? No it is simply the truth. I worked for a
Government agency and by the time I retired all
testing procedures had been changed to insure that
Affirmative Action Goals could be met. Yes, it was a
quota system.
The public has a right to
know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George
Bush's cocaine conviction is none of our business.
This one is a
little stupid. All I can say is that Bush may have
used cocaine, but he didn't inhale.
Being a drug addict is a moral
failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative
radio host. Then it's an illness, and you need
our prayers for your recovery
You
liberals really hate Rush don't you. I suppose you
would also like Elvis tried in absences. The thing
that really gets your goat about Rush Limbaugh is
that he is effective in pointing out the hypocrisies
of the main street press, and the stupidity of most
of the Democratic leadership. I love the guy.
You support states' rights,
which means Attorney General Gonzalez can tell
states what local voter initiatives they have the
right to adopt.
Sorry,
don't know what you are talking about.
What Bill Clinton did in the
1960s is of vital national interest,
but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant
Other than
selling vital America's top secret military
information to China, or anyone else in
the world willing to make a campaign contribution, I
don't really know what Bill did. Oh, I forgot he did
get something on an interns dress didn't he.
ON the other
hand President Bush has freed about 50 million
people in the middle east, removed a vicious
dictator from power, cut taxes for every tax payer,
got the country out of a Clinton recession, restored
the pride of our military, etc. I could go on all
day, but I am sure you know all of this, you just
won't admit it.
You
'pays your money and makes your choice'.
Seems to me, we are in trouble either way! Ed.
and
BRING THEM
HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!
I
PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG,
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE NATION UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
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