Many thanks to all and special thanks to
 Trish, Tootsie, Terrygray11, AngOBri, 
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

Beer Theories

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.
Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.  If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.  I think,
"It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true
than be selfish and worry about my liver."
Babe Ruth
 
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink.  When they wake up
in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."
Lyndon B.  Johnson

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Paul Hornung

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.  Coincidence?  I think not."
H.  L.  Mencken

"When we drink, we get drunk.  When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin,
we go to heaven.  So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
George Bernard Shaw

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention
in the history of mankind, is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention,
but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!
W.  C.  Fields

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.
Salvation in a can!
Leo Durocher



Two's company.
Three is the result!



IN A PERFECT WORLD . . .

A person should feel as good at 50 as he did at 17 and he would
actually be as smart at 50 as he thought he was at 17.

You could give away a baby bed without getting pregnant.

Forget-me-nots would stimulate the memory.

Doing what was good for you would be what you
enjoyed doing the most.

Pro baseball players would complain about teachers
being paid contracts  worth millions of dollars.

People always have good reasons to be optimistic.

You would never fumble, but if you did, you would recover
the ball yourself.

The mail would always be early, the check would always be in the mail,
and it would be written for more than you expected.

Potato chips might have calories, but if you ate them with a dip,
the calories would be neutralized.

If the guy from the government said to you, "I'm here to help,"
not only  would he mean it, but also he'd do it.

First impressions wouldn't count for nearly as much as
ultimate performance. Winning might be a nice thing,
but that would be about all.

All people could expect to be accepted.

Every once in a while at least, a kid who always closed the door
softly  would be told, "Go back and slam the door."

The better food tasted, the less calories it would have.

Warranties would be for 13 months and
products would fail at 12.

More would be accomplished by governments
when they spent more.

Maxine 

There must be someone, someplace . .
for whom you would love to reserve one of these! 

Bill and Doug were having a drink at the bar and

Bill says, "I found my wife's G-spot".

 Doug says, "Oh yeah?"

Bill replies, "Yep - my neighbor had it."

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
     This enables you at 85 years old to spend
     an additional 5 months in a nursing home
at $7000 per month.

      My grandpa started walking
      five miles a day when he was 60.
      Now he's 97 years old and we
       don't know where the hell he is.
     
      I like long walks,
      especially when they are taken
      by people who annoy me.
     
      The only reason I would take up walking
      is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
     
      I have to walk early in the morning,
      before my brain figures out what I'm doing..
     
      I joined a health club last year,
      spent about 400 bucks.
      Haven't lost a pound.
      Apparently you have to go there.
     
      Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
      I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
     
      I do have flabby thighs,
      but fortunately my stomach covers them.

      The advantage of exercising every day
      is so when you die, they'll say,
      'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'
     
      If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
      start with a small country.
     
      I know I got a lot of exercise
      the last few years,........
      just getting over the hill.
   
     We all get heavier as we get older,
      because there's a lot more information in our heads.
      That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
     
      AND

      Every time I start thinking too much
       about how I look,
      I just find a Happy Hour
       and by the time I leave,
      I look just fine.



"Vet"

A little old lady is walking her dog around the local lake.
It is a cold morning and the lake is still frozen.
All of a sudden, her little dog spots a duck on the ice
and runs out to bite the shit out of it. The dog falls through
the ice and the little old lady starts chucking a wobbler.

"Help, help ... my dog has fallen into the lake.

"Watching all the commotion is a German jogger
who sprints over to the lady and says. .

"Vot is zee matter viv your dog; can I za help?"

"Oh yes please," says the old lady, so the jogger wades in,
saves the dog, and puts it on the bank beside the old lady.

"Oh you are so kind, are you a vet?"

"VET!" replied the German ... "VET! I am fucking soaked!"



With 2009 upon us I have learned
the true meaning of old age. Last
week, as I lay basking on my    
veranda, my wife, who had been
           engaged in some domestic maintenance,
came to me and said: "Darling, 
     what I need is a really long screw."
    Without a thought, I went out       
to my shed to look for one.    
                               John Harper-Nelson,
                                            Bassendean.

SIX DEGREES OF BLONDES
- -
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know,
some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it,
looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'

The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says,
'You dummy, it's me!'

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her,
so she goes out and buys a gun.
She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and
when she opens the door she finds him
in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun,
and as she does so,
she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'

The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, and ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor
when he told her she was pregnant?

'Is it mine?'

SIXTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find
her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash,
the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the
cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help,
and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman!'

Don't you feel like doing this to at least one person a day?
 




After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute,
the politician took $300 out of his wallet and
placed it on the dressing table.
 
"Thanks," she said, "but I only charge $20."
 
"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician replied.
"You can't make a living on that!"
 
"Oh, don't worry," the lady of the night replied.
"I do a little blackmail on the side."



Luck of the Irish
 
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,'
'But for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left -
phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question......
will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
  A: Sparrow - B: Thrush -  C: Magpie - D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline
and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances
and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

'I'm fookin sure.'

Mick hung up the phone and told the MC,

'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?'

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed,
'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'

The next night, back in Dublin , Mick invited Paddy to their local pub
to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?

Paddy replied :  'Simple . .
because a Cuckoo lives in a Fookin clock!

... WHATEVER YOUR POLITICS ...

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "
(GUESS HE'S "AC - DC")

http://www.thecopymacheen.com

The Fleet