THIS IS FOR ALL THE WOMEN WHO HAVE HAD TO
LISTEN TO BLONDE JOKES!!!!!!!!

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees
a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on
but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him
for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks
"Why in the world are you walking around like this?"

The cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head
asks me to go out to her motor home with her...
so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt...
so I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...
so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...
so I did

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says,
'Now go to town cowboy.'
And here I am."

Son of a Gun.
Blonde Men do exist!

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was
having severe problems with her sex life.
 
The psychiatrist asked her many
questions but did not seem to be getting
a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked,

"Do you ever watch your husband's face
while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really
getting somewhere and he said,

"Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's
face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual;
how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"Well he was looking through the window at us."



Friendly Advice
  
   Please, take care of yourself. A recent joint study
conducted by the Department of Health and the
Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that
23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.
This means that the remaining 77% are
caused by assholes who just drink
coffee, carbonated drinks, juices,
yogurts and shit like that.
 
  Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.
They cause three times as many accidents.
This message is sent by someone who
worries about your well being.



These are actual comments made by Police Officers.
The comments were taken off actual police car
videos around the country:
 

"You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went
    through."   
 
"Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you
    wear them a while."
 
"If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a
    worthless document."
 
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
 
"Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
     speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."  (LOVE IT) 
 
"You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write
    anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"  (MY FAVORITE) 
 
"Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.
    Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

  "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again
    or I'll give you another ticket."
 
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
    Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
 
"Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on
    rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
 
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
 
"In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."  
       ( National Crime Information Center ) 
 
"Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
 
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed
       to write as many tickets as we can."
 
"I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours.
      So you know someone who can post your bail."
 
AND THE WINNER IS....

"You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't..
      Sign here."

My wife, a registered nurse, once fussed over every pain or mishap
that came my way. Recently, however, I got an indication that the
honeymoon is over.  I was about to fix the attic fan, and as I
lifted myself from the ladder into the attic, I scratched my
forehead on a crossbeam. 
Crawling along, I picked up splinters in both hands, and I cut
one hand replacing the fan belt. On the way down the ladder,
I missed the last two rungs and turned my ankle.   When I
limped into the kitchen, my wife took one look and said,
"Are those your good pants?"

Walk on Water

Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems
that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk
on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked
across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a
boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat .... and
nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he
asked, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my
pappy, his father, and his father before him?

Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, Because your
father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January
when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you dumbass.



The Candy With The Little Hole
This should make you smile.  You have to love little kids.



The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green......................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Milky ...................Honey 

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said,
'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother
may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror,
spat her lifesaver out and yelled,

'Oh my God! They're ass-holes'!

The teacher had to leave the room!  

An elderly retired seaman puts on his faded uniform and
heads for the docks once more, for old times sake. He
 engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. 

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, 
but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'
 
The prostitute replies,
'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

''Three knots?' he  asks.  'What's that supposed to mean?'
 
 She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and
you're knot getting your money back'!

"I see you're an early riser."

One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m.
after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the
bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark
and got in bed with his wife.

As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to
the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”

Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to
the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin
and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.

The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked,
“Say, aren’t you Mike Murphy?”

Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”

The clerk looked puzzled and asked,
“Well, aren’t you a police officer?”

And again Mike replied yes.

The clerk scratched his head for a second and said,
“Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”



Patient: "How much to have this tooth filled?"

Dentist: "$90."

Patient: "$90 for just a few minutes work?"

Dentist: "I can work slower if you like."



The Cohens were shown into the dentist's office, where
Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.

"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or
any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,"
said the dentist admiringly.
"Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Cohen turned to his wife...

"Show him your tooth, Honey."

Once a woman was in labor; she was having a really tough time
dealing with the pain.

The doctor came to her husband and her and told them of a new
experimental drug that allows the woman to transfer 25% of
the pain to the father. The husband feels really bad for his
wife so he decides they will try it.

The wife takes the pill and a few minutes later the husband says,
"I don't feel a thing. You women are babies. Take another pill
I can handle this." So the wife takes another pill.
Same thing happens. Her husband tells
her to take another pill. Same thing.

By now she has transferred 75% of her pain to her husband.
She is feeling a little pain but her husband is still feeling nothing.
He is convinced that women are complete wuses. He tells her,
"Take another pill. This isn't hurting me at all. Let me take
all the pain away." So she does. Now they
are both feeling great.

A few hours later, the wife gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.
The next day they take their newborn son home, and there
they find the mailman dead on the doorstep. 



A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden
he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching
for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with
a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is
being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard
and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.
This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece,
it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return
with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse
order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around
the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony
being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone
in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker.
"He's just decomposing!"
                                                                                       ouch!


John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.
His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a
robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that
afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.
Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" 
asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," 
said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely
out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you
really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, 
knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied.
We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to
my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly 
knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, 
"Boy, did youever ask for that one!  You can't be too mad with Tommy. 
 After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked HER out of her chair.

How to keep a woman happy....



It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. A good friend
2. A constant companion
3. A creative lover
4. A good father
5. A pest exterminator
6. A good listener
7.Generous
8. Give her compliments regularly
9. Love shopping
10. Be honest
11. Be very rich
12. Not stress her out
13. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME,
YOU MUST ALSO:

14. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
15. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself.
AND, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT:
16. Never to forget: Birthdays, Anniversaries
or Arrangements She Makes.

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY?

1. Leave him alone!