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"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!
LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past "
Many
thanks to
Trish,
CLRiley, SheriBeinBaddd, AngOBri, Youniqu101
for contributing to the content of today's page.
Lady Lynx
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."
Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy
this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
What's the difference between toilet paper and toast?
Toast is brown on both sides.
Worlds Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time a guy asked a girl
"Will you marry me?"
She said, "No."
The guy lived happily ever after, and went fishing,
and hunting and played golf, and drank a lot
of beer and farted whenever he wanted.
The End
A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers
that his wife had given him an ultimatum:
until he quit smoking,
he wasn't going to get any sex.
"How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"
"Until my girlfriend dies or I get arthritis of the wrist."
Ten Thoughts to Ponder
Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate
at which one can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one
tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars
and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 - 2007
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located
among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't
got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants
and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge
of immigration and the Department of Homeland Security.
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up,
but she is worried.
She asks, "What if the baby starts coming,
and I can't get to the hospital in time."
The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies
for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It's a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position
you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with,
"Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment
and the right foot hanging out the window?"
What's the difference between getting a divorce
and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce,
you get rid of the whole prick!
"Oh Mom!" sobbed Little Mary, "I'm pregnant!"
"What!? How could you?" screamed the Mother,
"and just who is the father?"
The daughter lifted up her tearful face and wailed,
"How should I know?
You're the one who would never let me go steady!"
There was a traveling salesman whose car became stuck in a
snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him
several hours to make it to the nearest farmhouse.
Frozen half to death,
he finally reached the front door and knocked.
A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman
pleaded to spend the night.
"Why, sure, young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk,"
said the hospitable old man.
"But I ain't got no daughter
for ya to sleep with like ya always
hear about in them thar jokes."
"Oh," said the salesman.
Then thinking a moment or two, he said,
"Just how far is it to the next house?"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
She is not a BABE or a CHICK; she is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER;
she is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY; she is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB;
she is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND;
she is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIR HEAD; she is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY;
she gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY; she is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS;
she is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU; she becomes ORALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT; she is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE; she is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT
He does not have a BEER GUT; he has developed a
LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME;
he INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER; he prefers
GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK; he becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS; he develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG; he has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT;
he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
He is not STUPID;
he suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT.
He is not SHORT; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.
He does not CONSTANTLY TALK ABOUT CARS;
he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.
He is not UNSOPHISTICATED; he is SOCIALLY MALFORMED.
He does not EAT LIKE A PIG; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.
He doesn't have a DIRTY MIND; he has
INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS.
Hey,
Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't
You Understand?
Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First.
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
We
All Still Have Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
"
WOW "
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