Many thanks to all and to
Texasfred6,  AgOBri, Coop'sJokes, Nekia, hbonning, 
CRiley, Paulette, Trish, K1mmm
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

I just read an article on the dangers of heavy drinking....

Scared the crap out of me.

So that's it!

After today, NO MORE READING!

><><

Ideas on Immigrants
and being an AMERICAN

'In the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who
comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates
himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone
else, for it is an outrage to discriminate against any such man because
of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon
the person's becoming in every facet an American,
and nothing but an American.
There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says
he is an American, but something else also, isn't an American at all.
We have room for but one flag, the American flag... We have room
for but one language here, and that is the English language...
and we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a loyalty
to the American people.

Grandpa was always going on about the good old days and
the lower cost of living, in particular.

"When I was a kid, my mom could send me to the store and I'd get a
salami, two pints of milk, six oranges, two loaves of bread, a magazine
and some new blue jeans all for a dollar!"

Then Grandpa said sadly, "You can't do that anymore.
They got those video cameras everywhere you look."



Getting old is so hard at times

Yesterday I got the Preparation 'H' mixed up
with my Poli-Grip.



NOW, I talk like an asshole .
...but at least my gums don't itch anymore!

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing
a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and
stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this
...I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

To impress his date, the young man took
her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After
sipping some fine wine, he picked up the
menu and ordered:

"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci,"

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

 

Miss Florida 
Trailer Park Contest

While on vacation visiting a friend in South  Florida ,
I was asked to judge The annual " Miss Florida
Trailer Park " beauty contest.
Because I Was a guest, I reluctantly agreed. 
After all, "What can you expect To find living in a trailer
park in a retirement community"?
They sent me the below
picture as payment for my participation.
That's me in the back row in
the white shirt suffering through this ordeal. 


     

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had
a date or any sex for over 5 years.  She was afraid she might
have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek
the medical expertise of the well known
Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said,
"Ok, take off all your crose." The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said,
"OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."

As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly.
"Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face
look Ed Zachary like your ass."





A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the
barber shop. The man said, "How about a date later?"

"I'm married," she answered.

With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out
with your girlfriends."

"Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."



Doug goes to a doctor and says:
"Doctor, my wife recently has lost her voice.
What should I do to help her get it back?"

The doctor replies,
"Try coming home at 3 in the morning!"



Three guys are debating which of their languages
is the most pleasing to the ear.

The Italian says, "Consider the phrase, 'I love you.' In Italian,
itis: 'Ti amo'. What a lovely sound!"

The French guy says, "True, but in French it is: 'Je t'adore'.
An even more beautiful sound!"

"What's wrong with: 'Ick leiber dik?" asks the German.

GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question
if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern
small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known
you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,
and you manipulate people and talk about them behind
their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount
to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do,
he pointed across the room and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since
he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a
drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship
with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst
in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women.
One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died The judge asked both counselors
to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

"If either of you fucking idiots asks her if she knows me,
I'll send you to the electric chair!



The first thing that most children are taught in school is:
"You should be generous, and share."

The second thing that they learn is:
 "I'd better keep an eye on my shit!"

DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two brothers are out ice fishing at their favorite
Lake Hiawatha fishing hole in New Jersey, just fishing quietly
and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jeff says,
"I think I'm going to divorce my wife -
she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.

"Ted continues slowly sipping his Coor's, then thoughtfully says . . . .
"You better think it over.
Women like that are hard to find!"






Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf,
and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up
on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument,
go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies
and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course. The first guy says,

"Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife
such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."

Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning
the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."

Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds.

"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.
'Well babe, Merry Christmas!
It's a great morning for either sex or golf."
and she said,

"Take a sweater."

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had All the wine in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said,
"And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced
with a smile, nearly laughing,

"For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365,
'Shall We Gather at the River.'"



Two deer hunters were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural
Texas on the opening day of deer season.
They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them.
As the one hunter raised his gun to shoot, a
funeral procession came slowly by.

 The hunter lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood
with his head bowed until the procession was past.
Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

The other hunter exclaimed "Wow!
That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen!
You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing
such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed.
You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to
sportsmen throughout the world!"

 The first hunter nodded and said; "Well, it's the least I could do.
We were married for 42 years."



No matter which girls he brought home, the young man found
disapproval from his mother. A friend gave him advice.
"Find a girl just like your mother -- then, she's bound to like her."

So the young man searched and searched, and finally found the girl.
He told his friendly adviser:

"Just like you said, I found a girl who looked, talked, dressed,
and even cooked like my mother; and just as you said,
my mother liked her".

"So," asked the friend, "what happened?"

"Nothing," said the young man.
"My father hates her."

"The other day my wife greeted me at the door in a
see-through negligee!

Only TROUBLE is she was coming home!"

                                                        Rodney Dangerfield



A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town
he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: I would very much like to bring my dog with me.
He is well-groomed and very well behaved.
Would you be willing to permit me to
keep him in my room with me at night?'

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who wrote:

"I've been operating this hotel for many years.
In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels,
bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night
for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had
a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel.
And, if your dog will vouch for you,
you're welcome to stay here, too."

" What America MAKES ... MAKES America ! "
BUY AMERICAN PRODUCTS
Help keep our DOLLARS right here in the U.S.A. 






           

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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BARNEGAT LIGHTHOUSE

"OLD  BARNEY"
Long Beach Island
Barnegat Light, NJ

  Barnegat Sunset

                                                                       The Fleet