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MOSTLY
ADULT JOKES AND HUMOR.
IF
EASILY OFFENDED, LEAVE NOW !
IF UNDER 18 JUST GO AWAY,
and straighten
up your room.
"A
Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!
"
Many
thanks to
WilsonKKW,
Trish, LeslyeHR, Paulette, DennyAT,
Heartlace, K1mmm
for
contributing to the content of today's page
A
Brand New Issue
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Lynx
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GREETINGS
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Nothing here is meant to offend any one!!
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ENJOY
Marriage
is when a man and woman become as one;
the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Marriage is an institution where two people come
together to
joint solve the problems they never had before they
got married.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or
the wife.
The best way to get most husbands to do something is
to suggest
that perhaps they're too old to do it.
"If
sex was an Olympic event, you'd be a
natural - - - once every four years."
"Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he
loves.
After marriage, the ‘Y’ becomes silent.
True Love...
"I never would have married you if I knew how
stupid
you were!" shouted the woman to her husband!
The husband replied, "You should've known how
stupid I
was the minute I asked you to marry me!"
A man called his neighbor to help
him move a couch
that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on
either end of the couch and struggled until they were
exhausted,
but the couch wouldn't budge.
"Forget it," the man finally gasped.
"We'll never get this in."
A frustrated voice came from the other side of the
couch,
"In?"
Life is so hard at times. . .
Yesterday I got Preparation 'H'
mixed up with a tube of Poli-Grip.
Now
I
talk like an asshole ...
but my gums don't itch!
Many
Nonliving Things have a Gender.
Ziploc
Bags are Male,
because they hold everything
in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers
are Female,
because once turned off; it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective
reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,
but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A
Tire is Male,
because it goes bald and it's often
over-inflated.
A
Hot Air Balloon is Male,
because, to get it to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of
course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges
are Female,
because they're soft,
squeezable and retain water.
A
Web Page is Female,
because it's always getting hit on.
A
Subway is Male,
because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.
An
Hourglass is Female,
because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.
A
Hammer is Male,
because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.
A
Remote Control is Female.
Ha! You thought it'd
be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a
man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he
doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he
keeps trying!
One afternoon, a woman was complaining to her new
next-door
neighbor that her husband always came home late,
no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbor,
"and do what I did. Once my husband came home at
three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I
called out:
'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how
did that cure him?"
The neighbor said, "His name is Bill."
The Art Of Making Love ...
Jewish Style
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I
had great sex.
I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made
passionate love,
and she screamed for five full minutes at the
end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and
I had sex,
I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then
made passionate
love and she screamed for fifteen minutes".
The Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and
I also had sex.
I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz. (chicken
fat)
We made love, and she screamed for over six
hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They
asked,
"What could you have possibly done to make
your wife scream for six hours?"
The Jewish man says, "I wiped my hands on the
bedspread!!!"
The Wedding Anniversary
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his
wedding anniversary.
His wife told him, "Tomorrow there better be
something in the
driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in two seconds
flat."
The next morning the wife found a small package in the
driveway. She
opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for
this Saturday.
S.A.T.
TEST QUESTIONS & ANSWERS
in Arkansas
The following questions and answers were actually
collected from
SAT tests given in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to
16-year-old students!
(Don't laugh too hard----one of these kids may be the
President someday.)
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels
and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood
and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception
by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian
Section."
A: The caesarian section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport.
A
married couple go to a marriage counselor
to work out some problems. The counselor sits them
on the couch and says:
"For starters, lets talk about something
you both have in common."
The husband says "Well, neither of us suck
dick".
Two men met at the pearly gates and were discussing
what they died from.
The first man told the other that he was out for his
morning jog when
suddenly he was struck down by a massive heart attack.
The other man said he died from seenus.
The first man said "Seenus, don't you mean
sinus?"
To which the other replied,
" No, 'SEENUS' . . .
I was having sex with some guys wife, and he seen
us!"
My friends hired a male stripper for my birthday
present.
This guy starts throwing his clothes off, and asks me,
"What are you thinking, babe?"
I'm thinking I've been married too long,
because I said.
"You're going to pick up after yourself, aren't
you?"
Quotes
about Hollywood:
"It's a great place to live ... if you're an
orange." - Fred Allen
"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood,
place it in the navel of a
firefly and still have room enough for three caraway
seeds
and a producer's heart." - Sandra Bullock
"Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom." -
Candice Bergen
"Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed
in the back while climbing a ladder." - William
Faulkner
"Hollywood is a place where the stars twinkle
until they wrinkle." - Cher
"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you
$50,000 for a kiss
and 50 cents for your soul." - Marilyn Monroe
and
BRING THEM
HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!
I
PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG,
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE NATION UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!
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