"Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, 
and the center of attention!"

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

Can you cry under water?

Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a
'penny for your thoughts'?  Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies
wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast
to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a stupid song about him?
 
If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio 
out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons,
does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle
Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when
we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds'
when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are
four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,
but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use
the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes
that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times
with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up,
examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum
one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from 
the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock 
something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons
are suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends --
if they're okay, then it's you.

  
****A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!****





Neck exercises to do at the computer:

Hi . . .
Hummm let me think ... why did I send you this......
don't tell me  it's  coming to me.....
Oh yeah .....



Senior citizens are constantly being criticized
for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world,
real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all
we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out
that it was NOT the senior citizens who, . . took

     The melody out of music,
    The pride out of appearance,
    The courtesy out of driving,
    The romance out of love,
    The commitment out of marriage,
    The responsibility out of parenthood,
    The togetherness out of the family,
    The learning out of education,
    The service out of patriotism,
    The Golden Rule from rulers,
    The nativity scene out of cities,
    The civility out of behavior,
    The refinement out of language,
    The dedication out of employment,
    The prudence out of spending,
    The ambition out of achievement, or,
    God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated
patience and tolerance from personal relationships
and interactions with others!!
 
       

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism,
and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner? or O Canada ?

                     
           
Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and
pride in their hearts as they stand at attention,
on veterans day and our great country's birthday . 
 


YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party......even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps...with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren
are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --- long term care, eye care,
private care, dental care.



I'm not really grouchy,

I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, 
loud music, unruly kids, Jenny Craig and Toyota 
commercials,  barking dogs, politicians 
and a few other things I can't seem to 
remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is
 in a safe secure place,  somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger 
these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel,
how could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....I've just lost the key
to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think
I am having the time of my life!

Now if I could only remember who sent this to me,
I wouldn't send it back to them, but I would 
send it to many more!


Now - Have I already sent this to you???????

If so, I'll try not to do it again (for a while.)

 

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got
separated. When they ran into each other later the
first old lady said to the second,
"My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied,
"Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can
they display such a thing! Why the penis
on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out,
"...and cold, too!"

 

The Fix

There recently was an article in the  St. Petersburg Fl. Times.
The Business Section asked readers for ideas on: 
"How Would You Fix the Economy?"
I think this guy nailed it!
 _____

Dear Mr. President:

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy. 
Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will
squander the money on lavish parties and
unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the
"Patriotic Retirement Plan":

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the work force. 
Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement
with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.  Forty million job openings.
Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR.  Forty million cars ordered.
Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage.
Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!!

PS. 

If more money is needed, have all members in Congress 
pay their taxes and Mr. President, while you're at it, 
make Congress retire on Social Security
and Medicare.  
I'll bet both programs would be fixed pronto!

Mary hears the car drive up, then a clatter as it hits 
the garbage cans. Then she hears a car door slam, 
some cussing; then the garage door opens and slams.

Suddenly more crashing and clattering and cussing,
then John comes into the house with his golf clubs,
scowling and cussing. 

"What's the matter, dear,
you have as bad day on the golf course?"

"Yeah!  Had a rotten day!  and a rotten round of golf! 
I only hit two balls solidly all day -- and I wouldn't 
have hit THEM if I hadn't stepped on 
the rake in the garage!"

1. Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear 
bright until you hear them speak.
 
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of
getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end,
someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five
or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the
things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach
a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
   A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go to Court, you are putting yourself in
the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough
to get out of jury duty.

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 IRISH CONFESSIONAL



An Irishman goes into the confessional box 
after years of being away from the Church.  

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. 
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the 
finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. 
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a  very long time 
since I've been to confession, but I must first admit 
that the confessional box is much more 
inviting than it used to be."

 The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."






LUNCH COUNTER LINGO
Some colorful jargon of the classic lunch counter and - or diner:

"Adam and Eve on a raft" means two poached eggs on toast.

"zeppelins in a fog'"is sausages and mashed potatoes.

"cowboy with spurs" is a western omelet with fries.

'Bark with belly busters and city juice', is hot dog with baked beans and a glass of water.

'Burn one, take it through the garden, and pin a rose on it' - Hamburger with lettuce, tomato and onion.

'A blond with sand' - Coffee with cream and sugar.

'Bloodhounds in the Hay' - Hot dogs with sauerkraut.

"stretch" is a Coke.

"full house" is a grilled cheese, bacon, and tomato sandwich.

"cremate a blue, bikini cut", is a well done, toasted blueberry muffin cut in 4 pieces..

"radio" is a tuna fish sandwich on toast.
(Formerly "tuna down" which sounded like "turn it down,"
as if asking someone to turn down the volume on a radio).

"51" is hot chocolate.

"whiskey down" is rye toast.

"squeeze it" means make it fast.

"seaboard" means make it to go.

"cluck and grunt" is eggs and bacon.

"86 it" Take it off the menu.

A wee Irish boy is sat crying by the side of the road.
A lady eventually wanders by and asks,
'what's wrong, son?' 
The boy says,
' Me Mama just died'
'Oh bejaysus,' says the kindly lady,
'Do you want me to fetch Father O'Reilly?'
The wee boy quickly replies,
'No thanks,missus.
Sex is the last ting on moi mind roight now'