Thought I'd check in on you to see if you are at your computer...
yep...there you are..... 
Have a wonderful day ! 

Only In America 

Only in America......do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy
Cigarettes and Candy Bars at the front

Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a Diet Coke

Only in America......do banks leave both doors open
and then chain the pens to the counters. 

Only in America.......do we leave cars worth thousands
of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten
and buns in packages of eight. 

Only in America......do we use the word 'politics'
to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many'
and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines
with Braille lettering.

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

 
A woman took her car to her mechanic.  She told him
"Every time I take any of my friends out in my car after a while
there is this terrible smell. It never happens when I am on my own" 
 This quite intrigued the mechanic so he said,
"OK, let's go for a
spin and see what the problem is". 

 Off they went. She drove down a one-way street in the wrong direction
at 60 MPH, swerving, hitting the curb on both sides of the street, narrowly
missed three pedestrians in pedestrian  crossings, ran several red lights,
and just missed a policeman on  street traffic duty. They returned to the
shop and she said,
"There it is now; there's that terrible smell.
Can you smell it?" 

 "Smell it?   Lady, I'm sitting in it".




 
If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000  
troops in the Iraq Theater of operations during the last  
22 months, and a total of 2112 deaths, that gives a firearm  
death rate of 60 per 100,000. The firearm death rate in  
Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000. That means that you  
are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our  
Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun  
control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.   
   Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington. 



 

 
Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper.
I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.
I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,  
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.
I´m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.
I no my spelling is not to good but find
that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. 
 My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me
and wat you think that I am werth,
I can start imeditely.  Thank you in advanse
fore yore anser. .hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
Sinseerly,
Peggy May Starlings
PS : Because my resimay is a bit short -
below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.



Employer's response:......
Dear Peggy May,
It's OK honey, we've got spell check.

 
Yes, but do you have the latest computer upgrade?
 

 

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics,
 this may bring a tear or two to your eyes. These great questions
and answers from the days when "Hollywood Squares"
game show responses were spontaneous and clever.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course...

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
 
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
 
Q.. You've been having trouble going to sleep.
Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
 
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party
and you think that he is attractive, is it okay
to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
 
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
 
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.
Are you going to get any during the first year?
 A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
 
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
 A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
 
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
 A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
 
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
 
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them
and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

 

 


 A 97-year-old man goes into his doctor's office and says,
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir," replied the doctor, "you're 97 Don't you think
your sex drive is all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man.
"That's why I want it lowered!"





 An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher
she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated,
and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

 

Well, It must be somebody's birthday !
(Many returns of the day, AJ)

 
 
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of 
old ladies running around with tattoos and perky boobs?

 

A flat chested young lady went to Dr. Millburg
to  see about enlarging her breasts.
  Dr. Millburg told her,
"Everyday after your shower,  rub your nipples and
say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

  She did this faithfully for several months and it  worked!
She grew great boobs!

  One morning she was running late, got on the bus and realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might  lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out  there in the middle
aisle of the bus and said, 
"Scooby doobie doobies, I  want bigger boobies."

 A guy sitting nearby asked,
"Are you a patient of  Dr. Millburg's by any chance?"

 "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"

  He leaned closer, winked and whispered,
"Hickory dickory, dock."

Dear Abby 

   I have been so blessed in my life. Great parents, 
great wife and kids, great job, and great education. 
When I finally retired, I could hardly wait to spend time enjoying my favorite pastime... bass fishing  I got my own little fishing boat 
and tried to get my wife to join me, but she just never liked fishing. 
Finally, one day at the Bait Shop, I got to talking to Pat the shop owner who it turned out loves bass fishing as much as I do. We quickly became fishing buddies. As I said the wife doesn't care about fishing; 
she not only refuses to join us she always complains 
that I spend too much time fishing. 

  A few weeks ago Pat and I had the best fishing trip ever.   
Not only did I catch the most beautiful bass you've ever seen, 
only a few minutes later Pat must have caught his twin brother!   
So I took a picture  Pat holding up the two nice bass that we caught 
and showed the picture to the wife hoping that maybe she'd get interested.   Instead she says she doesn't want me to go fishing 
at all anymore!   And she wants me to sell the boat!  
I think she just doesn't like to see me enjoying myself.

  What would you do?   Tell the wife to forget it and continue 
my hobby or quit fishing and sell the boat as she insists?  

Thanks, 
A fisherman

P.S.   I have enclosed the picture of 
Pat showing off the bass we caught.