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"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!
LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past "
Many
thanks to
Trish,
EWalds8131, Terrygray11, NekiasJokes,
for contributing to the content of today's page.
Lady Lynx
Two Beggars in Rome are sitting side
by side on a street in Rome .
One has a cross in front of him; the other one the
Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only
put money
into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people
giving money to the beggar behind the cross,
but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar
behind the Star of David and says,
"My poor fellow, don't you understand?
This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of
Catholicism.
People aren't going to give you money if you sit there
with a
Star of David in front of you, especially when you're
sitting
beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they
would
probably give to him just out of spite."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the
priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:
"Moishe, look who's trying to teach the
Goldstein brothers about marketing?
QUOTES
Be
careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
Mark
Twain
Be careful of your thoughts,
they may become words at any moment.
Iara
Gassen
Be not afraid of going slowly;
be afraid only of standing still.
Chinese
proverb
The beautiful thing about learning is that
no one can take it away from you.
B.B.
King
Believing is easier than thinking.
Hence so many more believers than thinkers.
Bruce
Calvert
The best teachers are those that show you where to
look
but don't tell you what to see.
Alexandra
K. Trenfor
The best teachers teach from the heart,
not from the book.
anon
Borrowed brains have no value.
Yiddish
proverb
The brighter you are, the more you have to learn.
Don
Herold
"I was married 3 times" explained the man
to a newly discovered drinking partner,
"and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives
died of eating
poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured
skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend, "How
did it happen?"
"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."
GAMES
FOR
WHEN WE ARE OLDER
Sag, you're It.
- -
Hide and go pee.
- -
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
- -
Kick the bucket
- -
Red Rover, Red Rover,
the nurse says "Bend
Over".
- -
Musical recliners.
- -
Simon says something incoherent.
- -
Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
- -
1. You sell your home
heating system at a
yard sale.
2. You have to write post-
it notes with your kids'
names on them.
3. You change your
underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
- -
1. Going bra-less pulls
all the wrinkles out of
your face.
2. You don't care where
your spouse goes, just
as long as you don't
have to go along.
3. Getting a little action
means I don't need
fiber today.
4. Getting lucky means
you find your car in
the parking lot.
5. An all-nighter means
not getting up to pee!
and . . .
I signed up for an exercise class
and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing,
I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
- -
When I was young we used to go "skinny
dipping,"
now I just "chunky dunk"
- -
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life
we could simply press 'Ctr, Alt, Delete' and start all
over?
- -
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then
you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
- -
My husband says I never listen to him.
At least I think that's what he said.
- -
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all
fall off.
- -
If raising children was going to be easy,
it never would have started with something called
labor!
- -
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
- -
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra. Hard to
Find, Supportive,
Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart!
IDIOMS
AND SAYINGS
Use
your BACK
button after viewing, to return to the main page.
DON'T
GET X'd OFF SITE
Menopause Jewelery
"My husband, being unhappy with my mood
swings,
bought me a mood ring the other day so he would
be
able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood,
it
turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a
big
red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond."
A Portuguese tourist visiting New York City stopped a
passerby.
"Excuse me," he said. "Can you tell me
where
the Empire State Building is,
or should I go fuck myself again?
Brenda
O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come
in?" he
asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always
welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya,
Brenda. There was
an accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.
"Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is
dead and gone. I'm
sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it
happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a
vat of Guiness
Stout and drowned."
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true,
Tim. Did he
at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
A woman goes to her doctor, complaining
that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, "I'm not sure I understand what
you mean."
She says, "Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his
finger."
Why
Do Firemen Have Bigger Balls then Policemen?
Because
They Sell More Tickets!
Everyone concentrates on the problems
we're having in this country lately;
illegal immigration, hurricane recovery,
alligators attacking humans in Florida.
Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems.
The result is a win-win-win situation:
+ Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border
+ Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans
+ Put the Florida alligators in the moat.
We
All Still Have Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
"
WOW "
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