Many thanks to all and to
 Trish, AngOBri, MRuss74101, philalakes,
curlydavid,  Nekia,  Sheri, Heartlace7, Terrygray11
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

I FOUND THIS OLD PICTURE OF ME
AND MY BABYSITTER


I MISS HER A LOT

Today I had to replace a light bulb in the kitchen,
but my sweet wife told me I was too old and clumsy
to be standing on a ladder.
So, I asked a neighbor.

Then I held the ladder while the light bulb was being replaced.





Now, just because I'm old and clumsy,
it doesn't mean I am stupid!

A Young Minister

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to
call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.

Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said,
"I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon.

"But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only,
the shell.

"The nut has gone to heaven."



Two old ladies lived way out in the country, only going into town
on Sundays for church. One Sunday, there was a strange pastor,
a very handsome man, in the pulpit, preaching away quite merrily.
One of the ladies, quite deaf, had to turn her hearing aid up fully.

As the old ladies were returning home, the pros and cons of the
new pastor was their main subject of conversation.

"I thought he was lovely," said one.

"He was, rather, wasn't he?" said the other.

"He was very loud, wasn't he?"

"Eh?" said the other, "what cloud?"

"I said, he was very loud."

"Eh?"

"I said, he was very loud," shouted the other. "Bawls like a bull."

"Has he?" said the first. "I never noticed.
The pulpit was in the way."



A girl was visiting her blonde friend and noticed she had acquired
two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named
Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

Whereupon the blonde responded,
"What else you gonna name watch dogs?"

Inner Peace
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish
all the things you have started.  Sooo . . .
today I have finished my bottle of vodka,
my bottle of red wine, my old bottle of Jack Daniel's,
my Prozac, a box of chocolates, and a quart of
Rocky Road ice cream.

You have no idea how good I feel.

Pass this on to all those
who feel the need for Inner Peace!





An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and
a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As
the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?"

"Yeah," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed
as my love life."

"But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeeper.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."




Convicted of murder and sentenced to death,
the shapely young woman asked, as a last request,
that she be hanged in the nude.
 
Although the warden thought this unusual, he felt
a last request was not something to be denied.
 
When the condemned prisoner arrived at the gallows,
the hangman gasped,
"My God, you have the most beautiful body I've ever seen."
 
Came the whispered reply,
"It's all yours if you keep your trap shut."



I sat by the Duchess for tea,
And she asked, "Do you fart when you pee?"
I said with some wit,
"Do you belch when you shit?"
And felt it was one up for me.



Wife to Husband:  If I die, I want you to promise
me, in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother
ride in the first car with you.

Husband:  All right, but it will ruin my day.

 Jack was nimble, but Jack was quick.

So Jill preferred the candlestick!

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"



Morris and Harry were both fanatics about deep sea fishing.
 Each would come back from fishing trips, and tell the other
big lies about the number, and sizes of the fish they caught.

So Morris comes back from his latest fishing trip, and tells
Harry, "You wouldn't believe, but in the  Bahamas I caught
a 500 pound herring."

Harry says, "That's nothing, last time I fished in the Bahamas,
I pulled up an old lantern from a sunken Spanish ship --
and DA candle was still burning!"

They both looked at each other,
knowing that the other was lying.

Finally, Harry said to Morris,
"Look Morris, if you take 450 pounds off your herring...
I'll blow out my candle.

The Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction.

She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,

She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.

At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

The Moods of a Man
Hungry
Horny
Sleepy

The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class
what their parents did for a living...

One little girl said her father was a doctor,
another said her mother was an engineer.

When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said,
"My mom's a whore!"

Naturally, after that remark,
he got sent off to the principal's office.

Then, 15 minutes later, he returned.

The teacher asked,
"Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"

Johnny said, "Yes."

"Well, what did the principal say?"

"He said that every job is important in our economy,
gave me an apple and asked for my home phone number!"



A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans
attended a game at Yankee Stadium.
 
They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate,
hugging and kissing so much that they weren't able
to follow the game.

After a couple of seconds of thought the young bride says,
"I've got an idea, honey.
You kiss me on the strikes and I'll kiss you on the balls."



When Bill was in his late teens, attending a Catholic high school
in Michigan , he reached the age of sexual awareness that there was
much more to life than basketball and football, such as the existence of the opposite sex. The priests used to recommend taking a
cold shower to fight the temptation.
 
By this time in his life, he has taken so many showers that now 
whenever it rains, he gets an erection.



There was an old  country sheriff who always said,
"It could have been worse."
No matter  what happened, the old sheriff always had the
same answer: "It could  have been worse."
    
 One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office  answered an emergency
call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found  the nude bodies
of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.
 
 When they went to the living room, they found  the body of a man
with a gun at his side.
 
 "No doubt about it," one deputy said to the  other.
"This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home
and found  his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.
Then he shot  himself."
 
 "You're right," the other deputy replied.  "Double murder and suicide.
But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here  he's going to say
'it could have been worse'."
 
 "No way. How could it be worse? There are  three people in the house,
and all of them have been shot to death. It  couldn't be worse.
You're on."
 
 About that time, the old sheriff arrived at  the scene. He walked
into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into
the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by  his side.
"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head.
"It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home.
and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both.
Then he shot Himself."
 
 After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies
squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said,
"it could have been worse."
 
 The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and  shouted,
"Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people
in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead.
It couldn't have been Worse?!?"
 
 "Yes it could," the sheriff retorted.
"You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday,
that  would be me in there in that  bed....!"






" What America MAKES ... MAKES America ! "
BUY AMERICAN PRODUCTS
Help keep our DOLLARS right here in the U.S.A. 

A candidate for any office, is an ASSHOLE who will 
seek to convince the public, that He or She is
  a hero, when compared to other ASSHOLES
on the same or opposite ticket!

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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BARNEGAT LIGHTHOUSE

"OLD  BARNEY"
Long Beach Island
Barnegat Light, NJ

  Barnegat Sunset

                                                                       The Fleet