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Many
thanks to all and to
AngOBri,
EWalds8131, Tootsie,Trish, Nekia, Bluelace7,
for contributing to the content
of today's page.
Lady Lynx
"Start
every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
Sister Mary Katherine entered the
Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery.
You are welcome here as long as you like,
but you may not speak until directed to do so.'
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years
before the Priest said to her,
'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.
You can speak two words.'
Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'
'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said,
'We will get you a better bed.'
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by
the Priest.
'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'
'Cold food,' she said, and the Priest assured her
that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again
called
Sister Mary Katherine into his office. 'You may say two
words today.'
'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.
'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done
nothing
but bitch since you got here.'
The newly appointed priest was being briefed by the
housekeeper
on problems in the rectory that required immediate
attention.
"Your roof needs repair, Father," she said.
"Your water pressure is bad
and your furnace is not working."
"Now, Mrs. Kelly," the priest allowed,
"you've been the
housekeeper here five years, and I've only been here a few
days.
Why not say our roof and our furnace?"
Several weeks later, when the pastor was meeting with the
bishop
and several other priests, Mrs. Kelly burst into the
office terribly upset.
"Father, Father," she blurted, "There's a
mouse in our room
and it's under our bed!"
These
"LAWS"
seem to be written in Stone!
Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose
will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.
Law
of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible
corner.
Law
of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional
to the stupidity of your act.
Law
of the Telephone
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
Law of the Alibi
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire,
the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were
in
will start to move faster than the one you are in now
(works every time).
Law
of the Bath
When
the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law
of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases
dramatically when you are with someone
you don't want to be seen with.
Law
of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't
work, it will.
Law
of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the
reach.
Law
of the Theater
At any event, the people whose seats
are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
Law
of Coffee
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss
will
ask you to do something which will last until the coffee
is cold.
Law
of Location
No matter where you go, there you are.
Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are
talking about.
Brown's
Law
If
the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Oliver's
Law
A
closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law
As
soon as you find a product that you really
like, they will stop making it.
Doctors'
Law
If
you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the
doctor,
by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't
make
an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Things
to Ponder
A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep
water.
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid
of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Business conventions are important because they
demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.
Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger
than everyone else looks?
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
No one has more driving ambition than the boy
who wants to buy a car.
There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong
number at 4 AM.
It could be a right number.
No one ever says, "It's only a game," when his
team is winning.
Money will buy a fine dog,
but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts
tomorrow.
If you don't have a sense of humor,
you probably don't have any sense at all.
Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.
Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.
The trouble with bucket seats is
that not everybody has the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive -- highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have
thousands of
old ladies running around with tattoos? This is way scary.
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable
to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every
joint,
you are probably dead.
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat
was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century.
The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor
who put a hole in the seat.
One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into
his parent's room to check it out. He opened the door to
see
his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind
her.
Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a
little wink as Johnny closed the door.
After business was finished Dad went to check on little
Johnny. He
opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the
dresser
and little Johnny going at it behind her.
Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you
doing?!"
Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it's your
mom is it?!"
An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and
asked
the pharmacist for the little blue "Viagra"
pill.
The pharmacist asked, "How many?"
The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen.
I cut each one into four pieces.
The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose.
That won't get you through intimacy."
The old fellow said,
"Oh, I'm past eighty years old and I don't even think
about intimacy much anymore.
I just want it to stick out far enough
so I don't pee on my new golf shoes."
"Jack,
It's not that you're a bad piper . . ."
An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love
with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating
a proposal.
"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm
45?"
he asked a friend.
"Your chances are better," said the friend,
"if you
tell her you're 90."
QUESTIONS
THAT HAUNT ME
Can
you cry under water?
How
important does a person have to be before they are
considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why
do you have to "put your two cents in"..
but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Where's that extra penny going to?
Once
you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes
you were buried in for eternity?
Why
does a round pizza come in a square box?
What
disease did cured ham actually have?
How
is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out
it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why
is it that people say they "slept like a baby"
when babies wake up like every two hours?
If
a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a
hearing?
Why
are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why
do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money
in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why
do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway.
Why
is "bra" singular and "panties"
plural?
Why
do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to
a
horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
If
Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a stupid song about him?
Can
a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If
the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why
does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!
If
Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?
If
corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If
electricity comes from electrons,
does morality come from morons?
Do
the Alphabet song and Twinkle,
Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why
did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why
do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the
hemisphere,
but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
Did
you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face,
he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride,
he sticks his head out the window?
If I want my dreams to come true, I mustn't oversleep.
Of all the things I wear, my expression is the most
important.
The best vitamin for making friends: B-1
The quality of my life depends on the quality of my
thoughts.
The heaviest thing I can carry is a grudge.
I should keep my words soft and sweet in
case I have to eat them.
One thing I can give and still keep: my word.
One thing I can't recycle is wasted time.
I lie the loudest when I lie to myself.
Ideas won't work unless 'I' do.
My mind is like a parachute...it functions only when open.
The 10 commandments are not multiple choice.
It is never too late to become all God can make me.
A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to
his harem,
which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his
wives whenever
he was in the mood. The sheik would nod and
the track star would take off.
This event usually took place about three times a day
until the runner
died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96.
The moral of the story is,
"Sex doesn't kill you... it's the running after it
that does."
This drunk gets on a bus and asks the driver how long
the trip is between Limerick and Cork.
"About two hours," says the conductor.
"OK," says the drunk "then how long is the
trip between
Cork and Limerick?"
The irate driver says to the drunk "It's still about
two
hours. Why would you think there'd be a difference?"
"Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week
between Christmas
and New Year, but it's a long time between
New Year and Christmas!"
APHORISM . . .
A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING
A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR
A GENERAL TRUTH; ADAGE
1. The nicest thing about the future is
that
it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only
kindness
will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humor,
you probably don't
have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as
wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut
is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for
a child
who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager
who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important
because
they demonstrate how many people a company
can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you
feel younger than
everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a dog and you'll find a
permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy
who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more
publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a
wrong number
at 4 AM. Like this: It could be a right
number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game"
when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where the happy hour is a
nap.
15. Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not
everybody
has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll
have thousands
of old ladies running around with tattoos?
(And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can't buy happiness - but somehow it's
more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
19. After 50 if you don't wake up aching in every
joint,
you are probably dead.
The Nine Most Important Men In A Woman's Life!
1. THE DOCTOR:
because he says, "Take your
clothes off."
2. THE DENTIST:
because he says, "Open wide."
3. THE HAIRDRESSER:
because he says, "Do you want it
teased or blown?".
4. THE MILKMAN:
because he says, "Do you want it
in the front or the back?"
5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR:
because he says, "Once it's in,
you'll love it!"
6. THE STOCK BROKER:
because he says, "It will rise right up,
fluctuate for a while,
and then slowly fall back again."
7. THE BANKER:
because he says, "If you take it out too
soon, you'll
lose interest.
8. THE HUNTER:
because he goes deep in the bush, shoots
twice, and always
eats what he shoots.
9. THE TELEPHONE GUY:
because he says, "Would you like it on
the table
or up against the wall?
" What
America MAKES ... MAKES America ! "
BUY AMERICAN PRODUCTS
Help keep our DOLLARS right here in
the U.S.A.
We
All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to November.
Keep Informed.
Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE
your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power,
the world will know peace."
Jimi
Hendrix
AMERICA
The Land of The FREE
Because of The BRAVE
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