"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!
LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past "

Many thanks to
Heartlace7, Tootsie, Terrygray11, Wannawynn, 
Purplemakesmesmile, EWalds8131, Trish, AngOBri
for contributing to the content of today's page.

Need I say more?.................

The nicest thing about the future is
that it always starts tomorrow.

  Money will buy a fine dog,
but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
 
   If you don't have a sense of humor,
you probably don't have any sense at all.
 
   Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
 
   A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
 
How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
 
  Business conventions are important because they demonstrate
how many people a company can operate without.

    Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger
than everyone else looks?
 
   Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.
 
   No one has more driving ambition
 than the boy who wants to buy a car.
 
   There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
 
   There are worse things than getting a call
for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.
 
   Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game"
when his team is winning.
 
   I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.
 
   Be careful reading the fine print.
There's no way you're going to like it.
 
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody
has the same size bucket.
 
   Do you realize that in about 40 years,
we'll have thousands of old ladies running around
with tattoos and RAP music will be the Golden Oldies!
 
  Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more
comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.
 
   After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,
you are probably dead.
 
 

My cousin Murray runs a pawnshop,
I asked him to appraise my grandfather's violin.
"Old fiddles aren't worth much, I'm afraid," he explained.

"What makes it a fiddle and not a violin?" I asked.

"If you're buying it from me, it's a violin.
If I'm buying it from you, it's a fiddle."

><><

One old man was sitting on a park bench talking
to a new acquaintance.

"I'll  tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis
is the cruelest disease."

"Crueler than cancer?" his friend asked.

"You bet," the first codger replied. "It makes every
single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."

><><

TEN SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE A LOW IQ

You tripped over a cordless phone.

You spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice carton
because it said "concentrate".

You told your buddy to meet you at the corner of
"WALK" and "DON'T WALK".

You sent a fax with a stamp on it.

You think a quarterback is a kind of refund.

When you were taking your friend to the airport you saw a sign
that said "Airport Left" and you turned around and went home.

You sold your car for gas money.

They had to burn the school down to get you out of third grade.

At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"
.. you put "Sagittarius".

It takes you two hours to watch 60 Minutes.





You know you're a redneck when . . .

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table. (oh ick!!!)

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

GRANDPA IS BABY SITTING

Upon reaching 65 old Rob decided to retire. But after
been under his wife's feet for a few months she became
very fed up with him. She suggested he go out
and find something to occupy himself.
Like joining a club, or getting himself a hobby.
 
He obliged. Out he went for a couple of hours.
When he returned his wife asked him about his day.

"Oh, I just went down to the corner bar and hung out
with a couple of the guys for a while. And guess what?
I've decided to join a parachute club."
 
"Are you nuts", said his old wife,
"65 years of age ain't the best time to start parachuting?"
 
"Well that's what I did", he said, "and it'll keep me occupied.
Look, here's my membership card".
 
"What you need is glasses, you silly old bugger", she said
"This is a membership card for a prostitute club!"

"Wow!'" said the old guy,
"and I've signed up for 5 jumps a week!"




A blonde  walked into the pet store and, after looking up and
down the aisles, asked the sales clerk for help.

"I'd like a box of birdseed," said the lady.

"For which kind of bird?" he asked helpfully.

"Oh, I dunno," she replied.  "Whichever will grow the fastest...."

><><

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt,
with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind
for everyone to see!" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on
below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well...last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This is your grandma's idea"

><><

HOUSEWORK

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home
from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry
in the washer and another in the dryer.

Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said wives who work
full-time and had to do their own housework
were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day,
she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up. He helped the kids
do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.
I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that .., Ralph was too tired..

God is good."



Advice from Grandma

My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and
for me it is time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take...
the long drives, the special trips she would make
to pick me up so I could spend weekends with her,
and the advice she used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young boy when she died.
If she were alive today and sharing her pearls of wisdom,
I'd be a better man.
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most,
the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, came when I
was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children
and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a great woman
and start my family.

"And remember this always," she said,
"be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her
 
She answered in her soft voice...
"makes your pecker look bigger."
 
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

><><

George went to his friend's house and asked to be put
up for the night because he had a fight with his wife.

"What happened?" the friend asked.

"When I got home tonight I was really beat, tired as a
dog. So when she asked me for fifty bucks for a new
dress, I guess I must have been half asleep or something,
because I said,
'All right, but let's finish the dictation first.'"

><><

This is National
Women's Breast - Awareness Day
















Beats the Shit out of
Martin Luther King Day,

Doesn't it?

><><

The Cowboy and the City Clicker

A cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture
when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and
YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy,
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his Singular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page
on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system
to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot
that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and,
after a few minute s, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says,

"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right.  Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man,

"Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give my back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
"Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S.  Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow!  That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you;
you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are;
and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog!"

We All Still Have Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

" WOW "

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