Many thanks to all and to
BOB'S FILES, Trish, AngOBri, MRuss74101, 
hbilowus, Paulette, Nekia, CLRiley
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

One farmer says to another farmer that he had to shoot one of his
cows? "Was it mad?" asks the other farmer.  The farmer replies
"Well it wasn't very happy about it".

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve
as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

"Don't even THINK about it, Shirley!"

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge: What does the "Colonel" stand for?

Defendant: Well, it's kinda like the "Honorable" in front of
your name. 
Not a damn thing.



On a train one day were two small boys and a
middle-aged woman reading her book...

The two small boys were having a deep heated discussion
on the subject of spelling.

"It would be spelt ' W-W-W-W-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-B-B-B-B',"
said the first boy.

"No it would not.
It's spelt 'W-W-W-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-B'-B,"
said the second boy.

The lady leaned over and said,
"Excuse me boys, but I think you'll
find the word is spelled 'W-O-M-B'".

The first little boy looked at the other, and then back at the lady,
and replied,
"Ya know lady, I bet you've never even seen a
hippopotamus, let alone ever heard one FART underwater !"

FUNNIES

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because
they don't like solitary confinement.

"Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay,
and you never get anything back." - Al Bundy
 
I think animal testing is a terrible idea;
they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
 
This is a quantum car. I don't know where I am,
but I'm going really fast.
 
The road to success is always under construction.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  
"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her
or she'll take it anyway." - Joey Adams

If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
 
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
 
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife
you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
 
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had
years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet,
make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever
spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
 
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million
but I was just as happy when I had $48.
 
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side,
and it holds the world together."



On a whim, a man decided to get his wife
a dozen red roses and surprise her after work.
The minute he opened the door,
his wife took one look at the flowers
in his hand and started screaming.

"This is the worst day I have ever had!
The kids have been terrible.
They got in a food fight,
the washing machine broke,
and flooded the basement,
I burned dinner,
the dog chewed up my best pair of shoes
and now you've got the nerve
to come home drunk!"

HUMOROUS EPITAPHS

Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing
That made her go.
-
Here lies the father of 29
There would have been more
But he didn't have time.
-
Here lies my wife
Here let her lie
Now she has peace
And so do I
-
Here lies Ned
There is nothing more to be said
Because we like to speak
well of the dead.
-
Here lies Lester Moore,
Four slugs from a forty-four.
No Les, No Moore.
-
In loving memory of Ellen Shannon, aged 25,
Who was accidentally burned March 21, 1870,
By the explosion of a lamp filled with R.E. Danforth's
Non-explosive burning fluid.
-
Here lies an atheist,
All dressed up and,
No place to go.
-
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
-
She lived with her husband fifty years
And died in the confident hope of a better life.
-
Sacred to the memory of my husband
John Barnes who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23,
has many qualifications of a good wife,
and yearns to be comforted.
-
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
-
Dec. 8, 1767
 Harry Edsel Smith
Born 1903--Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft
to see if the car was on
the way down.
It was.
-
Under the sod,
Under the trees,
Lies the body of
Bolivar Peas,
Peas ain't here,
Only the pod,
Peas shelled out
and went home to God.

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
 
One says, "Did you know that Moose have sex
10 to 15 times a night?"
 
"Crap," says his friend, "and I just joined The Elks!!"



At a bar, a drunk says to a girl,
"Excuse me but I think you owe me a drink."

"Why?"

"You're so fucking ugly that I dropped mine when I saw you."

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.

When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over
what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin", said the Irishman,
"my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"



Report Cards

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom
    and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then
    consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing
     to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't  coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered 
      twice  a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child
      beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead!

A man and his wife are watching a championship boxing match
on TV. Early in the second round, one of the fighters
goes down for the count.

The husband sighs and says, "I'm so disappointed. 
It was all over in four minutes!"

The wife replies, "Good. Now you know how I feel."

Little Johnny

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that
Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

'Did you get that for your birthday?' asked Little Johnny.

'Nope,' replied Jimmy.

'Well, did you get it for Christmas then?'

Again Jimmy says, 'Nope.'

'You didn't steal it, did you?' asks Little Johnny.

'No,' said Jimmy. 'I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom
the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'.
Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.'

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely
jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the
unmistakable noises of lovemaking.  

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly
strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily,
'What do you want now?'

'I wanna watch,' Johnny replied.

'Fine,' his father said.
'Stand in the corner, but keep quiet.'

After the big Super Bowl party, Doug figured he'd better spend
some quality time with his wife. He climbs upstairs,
walks in the bedroom and crawls into bed.

"Alright honey," he says, "Give me a play you
want me to run."

"How about Foreplay?" his wife replies.

"What's the Four Play?" says Doug.

"You know," the wife says,
"It happens before
the two minute warning.



How Dogs and Men are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed.
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
Both mark their territory.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
Neither does any dishes.
Both fart shamelessly.
Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
Both like dominance games.
Both are suspicious of the postman.
Neither understands what you see in cats.

"No! She can't come out and play again!!"

" What America MAKES ... MAKES America ! "
BUY AMERICAN PRODUCTS
Help keep our DOLLARS right here in the U.S.A. 

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed. Learn the Candidates’ positions on
the important topics of the day and then
VOTE your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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"OLD  BARNEY"
Long Beach Island
Barnegat Light, NJ

  Barnegat Sunset

                                                                       The Fleet