Many thanks to all and special thanks to
 AngOBri, Trish, Tootsie, K1mmm, 
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

One Greek says to another, 
"Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?" 

"No," the other Greek answered, 
"I'll stick with the K-Y !"



Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt died in a car accident?
Some prick cut her off.







Everybody's got to believe in something. 
I believe I'll have another beer.  
W. C. Fields 



“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. 
He told me to wear a brown necktie.”



QUOTES

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
Joan Rivers (on Marie Osmond)

   Age to women is like Kryptonite to Superman.
Kathy Lette

   I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
Bob Hope 

   When I was born I was so surprised
I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen 

   When I was young I was called a rugged individualist.
When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric.
Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then
and I'm labeled senile.
George Burns (Just you and me Kid, 1979)

   As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

   Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you?
Old too soon...smart too late.
Mike Tyson

   I'm affectionately known by Elton John as either Sylvia Disc
or the Bionic Christian.
Sir Cliff Richard

   You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch
on your forehead.
John Mendoza

   As you get older, the pickings get slimmer,
but the people don't.
Carrie Fisher

   As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and
our anecdotes longer.
Robert Quillen 

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
It kept falling out!



The minister asked the little girl,
" Do you know what's in the bible? "

"Yes," she responded, "I think I know everything that's in it."

Surprised, the minister said, " That's a pretty big claim for
someone your size, go ahead and tell me."

The girl started out,

"Well... let's see... there's a picture of my brother's girlfriend,
a ticket from the dry cleaners, one of my curls,
and a Pizza Hut coupon


A CAT NAMED LUCKY
 

Did you hear about the blonde who got locked into the bathroom?

She was in there so long she peed her pants.



A father was entertaining a boy his daughter 
had brought home from college.

"I realize it's only a formality," the young man said, 
"but I want to ask for your daughter's hand." 
 
"And where did you get the idea that this is just a formality?" 
the father asked. 
 
The boyfriend replied, 
"From our Lamaze instructor." 

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap,
be ready to receive a ton of shit."



An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man
Kneeling down and cupping a hand to drink from the farm pond.
The Amish farmer shouts,
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen Haben dahin gesheissen.' 
(Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows SHlT in it'.)

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, 'I'm a Muslim, I don't
Understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't
Speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English.'

The Amish farmer replies, 'Use two hands, you'll get more!"

RETIRED

My wife said, "Whatcha doin' today?"

I said, "Nothing."

She said, "You did that yesterday."

I said, "I wasn't finished."

Working Girl

A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young
thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time-honored
icebreaker, he sends her a drink.

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a
really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl.  I
get two hundred dollars for what you think
you will ply out of me with liquor."

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, 
since you were so straightforward I must tell you 
that when I come, I go nuts. I bite,
scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, 
and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

Dave had just returned from his honeymoon 
and was settling down in their new apartment. 
Coming home from work one night the
 landlady met Dave in the hallway and said,
"I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town 
tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride 
would like to have them?"
 
"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door 
to his apartment and called out, 
"Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
 
"No way!!," his bride retorted,
"If you show me one more trick with that thing,
I'm going home to my Mother!"

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

http://www.thecopymacheen.com

The Fleet