"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, 
and the center of attention."

"Don't ever take a fence down 
until you know the reason it was put up"

Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers--what you do today,
might burn your ass tomorrow.

The early bird might get the worm, 
but the second mouse gets the cheese.

 

 

One early morning, a farmer was milking his cow. The farmer
was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into
the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into
  the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it,
until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder!

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY
GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class
one morning and she asked the question,

'When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?'

Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands.'

'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied: 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands
together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.'

'What a wonderful answer!', the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said,

'Sister, I think it's your feet.'

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
'Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Johnny said: 'Well, I walked into Mom and Dad's bedroom
the other night. Mom had her legs straight up in the air and she was
saying: 'Oh God! I'm coming!'  
If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The Nun fainted!

Transportation Security SIGNS






A commercial traveler was passing through a small town
when he came upon a huge funeral procession.

"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.

"I'm not sure," replied the local,
"but I think it's the one in the coffin."

Army's First Openly Gay Unit
Shoulder Patch and Motto

We Never Leave 
Our Buddy's Behind!

 
A yuppie business woman in town for an important meeting, checked
into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.
 
Noticing that her favorite suit had been badly wrinkled during
the flight, she phoned the front desk and asked to have the
hotel's valet service pick up the suit for pressing.
 
Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock
sounded at the door and there stood an elderly Chinaman.
 
Impressed by the speedy service, the career woman exclaimed,
"My, you come lickety-split!"
 
"No ma'am," replied the old Chinaman,
"I come get laundry."

They hadn't seen their Uncle Max for over ten years but every year
his nieces sent him birthday greetings. One year, they remembered
how he had always admired a set of military hairbrushes,
so they sent them to him as a gift. A few weeks later they
received a snapshot of their completely bald uncle with
a note that read:

"Thanks for the gift. I will never part with it."

 

 

click link below
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

USE YOUR BACK BUTTON TO RETURN TO MAIN PAGE
AFTER VIEWING ABOVE LINK

After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, 
you are probably dead! 

<>

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when 
you're in deep water. 

<>
 How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid 
of the dark to become a teenager who 
wants to stay out all night? 

 

 

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to
drink a beer.  After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said,

"Who owns the big white horse outside?"
     The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,

"I do. Why?"

     The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,

"I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just
about dead outside!!"

    The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough,
Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion.  The Lone Ranger
got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver
was starting to feel a little better.  The Lone Ranger
turned to Tonto and said,

"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can
create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

    Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off
running circles around Silver.

     Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger
returned to the bar to finish his drink.

    A few minutes later, another cowboy
struts into the bar and announces,

"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

    The Lone Ranger stands again and claims,
"I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

    The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted
you to know, you left your Injun running!"

Interesting Piece Of History
-<>-
In 1872 the Muslims invented the condom,
using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873 the British somewhat refined the idea
by taking the intestine out of the goat first.



Mohammad, an Arab child,   entered his classroom
on the first day of school in  Ohio .

"What is your name?" –   asked the teacher.
"Mohammad". . .. –   answered the kid.
 
"You are in America now.   From now on
your name will be Johnny,"
–replied the teacher.
 
In the evening, Mohammad returned   home.
"How was your day, Mohammad?"
– asked his mother.
 
"My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America
and now my name is Johnny."
 
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to
dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion?
Shame on   you!" – and she beat him.
 
Then she called his father and he too beat him.
 
The next day Mohammad returned to school..
 
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked,
"What happened to you little Johnny"?
 
"Well ma'am, 4 hours after becoming an American, 
I was attacked by two fuckin' Arabs."

 
An Italian Grandma's Advice

 A young Italian girl was going on a date.  Her Nonna said:
Sita here ana letame tella you about this a younga boy.

He's agonna try ana kiss you, you are agonna likea dat,
but don't let him do dat.

He's agonna try ana kiss your breasts, you are agonna likea dat too,
but don'ta let him do dat eeda.

But mosta important, he's agonna try ana lay on topa you,
you are agonna really likea dat, but don'ta let him do dat for sure.
Doing thata willa disgraza our family.
 
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

  The  next day she told grandma that her date went just like 
she had predicted. And Nonna, I didn't let him
disgrace our family as you said.

When he tried to lay on top of me, I just rolled him over,
got on top of him, and disgraced his family.

 

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...
As he enters, he asks St. Peter, 'I have a
question that's haunted me all of my days
on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or
am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's a question only God can answer.'

So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the zebra asked, 'God, please - I must know.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The zebra returned to see St. Peter once
more, who asked him, 'Well, did God
straighten out your query for you?'

The zebra looked puzzled.. 'No sir, God
simply said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra,
'Well then, there you are. You are white
with black stripes..'

The zebra asked St. Peter, 'How do you
know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black
with white stripes,  God would have said,
'You is what you is..'

WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson,
and Rev Wright will be comin after 'yo white ass!!!



Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Detroit River
 
In times of need, it is good to have friends.

As you may have seen on the news it's been very cold in Michigan.  
So cold, in fact, that the US Corp of Engineers has borrowed
a Norwegian Icebreaker to clear the Detroit River for
freighter traffic.  The Icebreaker is starting near 
Trenton, Michigan, and working
its way northward.  

Here is a picture as the hard work of ice breaking begins. 
Most impressive!

Norwegian Icebreaker heads up the Detroit River   
 




Don't Phone The Vet at Night!

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after
and house her neighbors dog while they went on their holidays.
The only problem was that the spinsters own dog was a bitch
that was 'in heat' and the neighbors dog was a male.
Nevertheless she had a large house and she
was able to keep the two dogs apart. 
  
As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep, the spinster was suddenly
awakened by an awful howling and moaning sound from downstairs.
She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together - mating.
The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.
Try as she might she could not part them and  she was
perplexed as what to do next. 
  
Though it was late she reluctantly phoned the Vet, and after
a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the Vet answered the phone. 
  
The spinster explained the problem. 
 
The Vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs
and place it down alongside them. I will then phone
your number back and the noise of the telephone
ringing should make the male dog lose his erection
and be able to withdraw from the bitch." 
 
"Oh," said the spinster ... "Do you think that will work?" 
 
"Well," the Vet replied,
"IT JUST WORKED ON ME !!!!!!"