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"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!
LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past "
Many
thanks to
Trish, K1mmm,
AngOBri, CLRiley
for contributing to the content of today's page.
Lady Lynx
An Old Indian was asked
what his wife's name was.
"Three Horse," he
replied.
"That's an unusual name, Three Horse.
What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name,
means Nag, Nag, Nag."
A
woman whose husband often came home drunk
decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night,
she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to
intercept him on the way home.
When her husband came by, she jumped out
and stood before him with her red horns,
long tail, and pitchfork.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm the Devil," she responded.
"Well, come on home with me," he said,
"I married your sister."
A woman brought her limp duck to the vet. She set it on the
table and
the vet took out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's
chest.
After a moment or two, he shook his head and said, "I'm
sorry, your
duck is dead."
How can you be so damn sure, you haven't done one damn test,
he could be in a coma.
The vet rolled his eyes and went out and brought in a black
Labrador.
The dog sniffed the duck, looked up with his sad eyes and
shook his
head and left.
Next the vet brought in a cat. The cat sniffed the duck from
top to
bottom, shook it's head, meowed and strolled off.
The vet said, "Sorry m'am but this duck is definately
%100 dead."
and handed her a bill for a $150.00
"What the hell are you charging me a $150.00 for."
asked the woman
The vet replied. "The original bill would have been
$20.00 but with the
LAB Report and the CAT Scan it's now $150.00."
I know . . . . so sue me!
During
a January revival an evangelist asked the people
in line
what they needed. One man's request was for his
hearing.
The evangelist took his finger, put it in the
man's ear, prayed for
him and asked him, "How's your hearing?"
The man replied, "I don't know, it's not
until next Tuesday."
"Sixty
is the worst age to be," said the 60
year-old man.
"You always feel like you have to pee & most of the
time
you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70 year
old. "When you're 70,
you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take
laxatives,
eat bran, sit on the toilet all day & nothin' comes
out!"
"Actually," said the 80 year old,
"Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the
60-year old.
"No,
I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock;
no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel
movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60 year old said,
"You pee every morning at 6:00 & crap every morning
at 6:30.,
so what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't get out of bed until 7:00."
BILL
COSBY QUOTES
A
word to the wise ain't necessary -
it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
Advertising is the most fun you can have with your clothes on.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell the name will carry.
Children today know more about sex than I or my father did.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most
is soap-on-a-rope.
Gray hair is God's graffiti.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth
that allow their children to come back home.
I don't know the key to success,
but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
In order to succeed, your desire for success
should be greater than your fear of failure.
Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about
marriage:
the wife is in charge.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older,
I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
Men and women belong to different species
and communications between them is still in its infancy.
My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house
all day waiting for her breasts to grow.
Parents are not interested in justice,
they're interested in peace and quiet.
Poets have said that the reason to have children
is to give yourself immortality. Immortality?
Now that I have five children, my only hope is
that they are all out of the house before I die.
That married couples can live together day after day
is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence.
The world is addicted to it.
The past is a ghost, the future a dream,
and all we ever have is now.
There is no labor a person does that is undignified;
if they do it right.
When you become senile, you won't know it.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter.
If you can find humor in anything,
even poverty, you can survive it.
Ashes
to ashes,
Dust to dust,
If it weren't for women
Men's dicks would rust.
When does a Jewish man stop masturbating?
When his wife dies.
Why do blondes work seven days a week?
So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
What did the blonde say when she woke up under the cow?
What are you guys still doing here?
According to a new book coming out called "The
Ultimate Sex Diet," the best way to lose weight is
to have more sex. They say sex is the best workout
there is. In fact, I tried that once... I got kicked
out of the gym. - Jay
Leno
"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked
after making love to his wife.
"No, dear," she replied. "This time I really
was
asleep."
"If this bed could talk, it
would have NOTHING to say!"
You know what I say about edible panties?
I say if you're drunk enough, and your teeth are sharp
enough, EVERY panty is edible. - Brian
McKim
Contrary
to popular opinion, duct tape
IS NOT good for fixing everything!
<>
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over
the bar. He
Walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well,"
replies Paul, "You know
that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I
got an
erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well,"
says Paul, straightening up,
"I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she
agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going
out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,
"but I was worried
I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped
"it" to my
leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her
door," says Paul,
"and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the
sheerest,
sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
We
All Still Have Hope That
Happier Days
Are Ahead For The World
Now
lets
think
ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice
AND
BRING
THEM HOME,
NOW
. . . ALIVE!
"
WOW "
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