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ENJOY

Sharon tells her best friend Ruth,
"I’ve broken off my engagement to Bob." 

"Oh Sharon," says Ruth, "I’m so sorry. Why?"

"Because my feelings towards him have changed – 
they just aren’t the same anymore," replies Sharon. 

"So tell me," whispers Ruth, "are you giving him back 
the engagement ring?" 

"No I’m not," replies Sharon,
"my feelings towards the ring haven’t changed." 



Wife to Husband:  If I die, I want you to promise me, 
that in the funeral procession, you'll let my mother
ride in the first car with you.

Husband:  All right, but it will ruin my day.



Some Jewish Curses
<>
May all your teeth fall out but one -
and may that one ache.

May you win the lottery -
and spend it all on hospital charges.

May you live in a house with a hundred bedrooms -
and may you wander every night from room to room
and from bed to bed, unable to sleep.

May you become very rich – and your widow’s second husband
never has to worry about making a living.

May you sell candles for a living - and then may the sun never set.

May you be like a chandelier - hang by day and burn by night.

May you become world famous -
in medical records.

May your mouth never close and
your touchas (ass) never open.

I came out of a convenience store the other day 
and some seedy looking guy walks up to me 
and holds up a little sign:

"DEAF and DUMB... Can you spare $10?"

Wow! What happened to a dollar or two? 
So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, 
took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him.
It said: 

"I CAN'T READ" and I walked away. 



Little Sam is bored. So he goes over to his mother and asks, 

"Mum, can I go outside and watch the solar eclipse?" 

"OK, sweetie," says his mother, "but don’t go too close." 

 
Graduation day had finally arrived, and mom was trying to take 
a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father. 

"Let's try to make this look natural," the mother said. 
"Son, put your arm around your father's shoulder." 

"If you want it to look natural," the father said, 
"why don't you tell him to put his hand in my pocket?"

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

 Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you
marry me?"   The girl said, "NO!" And the guy lived
happily ever after and went  fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted  whenever
he wanted.

THE END

From Bad to Verse
<>
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.

Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

When you dream in color, 
it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

 You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

Local Area Network in Australia is the LAN down under.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing 
but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding; a case of wife or death.

What's the definition of a will? 
(Come on, It's a dead giveaway!)

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

If electricity comes from electrons ... 
does that mean that morality comes from morons?
 
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red.

From Bad to Verse . . cont'd
<>
Dijon vu -- the same mustard as before.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, 
and I'll show you a flat minor.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison 
was a small medium at large.
 
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, 
she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine 
and made a spectacle of himself.

I'm Not Saying She's Easy, But...

She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.
She's been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.
She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.
She's responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.
She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.
She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.
She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette,
with a satisfied smile on it's face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says,
  "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

One day, Mrs. Trimble was in terrible pain. Fortunately, 
old Dr. Stuart still made house calls. 

The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after 
he'd gone in and asked Mr. Trimble, 
"Do you have a hammer?" 

Puzzled, Mr. Trimble went into his workshop 
and returned with a hammer. 

The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. 

A few moments later, the doctor came out and asked,
"Do you have a chisel?" 

Mr. Trimble went to his workshop again and returned with a chisel. 

Within the next few minutes, Dr. Stuart asked Mr. Trimble for 
and received a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a hacksaw. 

The hacksaw request really got to Mr. Trimble. 
"What are you doing to my wife?" he asked. 

"Nothing," replied Dr. Stuart.
"I can't get my medical bag open!"

Heaven is where the police are English, the cooks are French,
the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and
everything is organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the police are German, the cooks are English,
the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss,
and everything is organized by the Italians.

Late one night in the capitol city a mugger wearing
a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and
stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this
...I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

 
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG,
OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,
AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS,
ONE NATION UNDER GOD,
INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

HUNK

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