Many thanks to all and special thanks to
 AngOBri, Trish, Tootsie, jpfitzpatr, Youniqu101
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

After conducting a hell-fire revival meeting, the visiting evangelist 
decided to take a walk one evening, and happened to wander 
into a nearby red-light district. 
 
On a corner, he saw a streetwalker 
leaning against a phone booth. 
 
The evangelist stopped and, in a powerful voice, he said, 
“Woman, I prayed for you last night.” 
 
“Well, you could’ve had me if you’d just come around,” 
she purred.
“I was standing right here all night long.” 

The Correct Way 
to Come Home Drunk...
><
Two married friends are out drinking one night, 
when one turns to the other and says, 

'You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home 
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off
before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine 
and coast into the garage.  

Take my shoes off before I go into the house, 
I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, 
stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg 
to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed 
and my wife STILL wakes up, and yells 
at me for staying out so late! 
 
'His friend looks at him and says 
'Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. 

I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storms up the steps, 
pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, 
throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, 
then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!,  

WHO'S H0RNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! 

Works Every Time!!! 

Why do couples hold hands 
during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers 
shaking hands before the fight begins.

Farts - you just can't trust them!

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology when he turned to his wife and said, 
'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy 
and sad at the same time.'   

She said, 'You have the biggest penis of all your friends.'



Paddy was walking home late at night
and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty quid ' she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides
what the heck, its only twenty quid.

So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it'
for a couple of minutes when all of a sudden
a light flashes on them, it's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to my wife,' Paddy answers indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well,' Paddy says,
'neither did I, until you shone that light on her face.

Billy receives his homework back from the teacher. At the top
it says that the homework was unsatisfactory and
he must do it again.
 
He bursts out, "Well, that sucks!"
 
The teacher called his mother and told her that Billy has to do
his homework over and some additional work because
Billy used inappropriate language.
 
Whereas the mother replied, "Boy, that sucks! What did he say?"



Grown Up Nursery Rhymes
- -
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard. 
Grown Up Nursery Rhymes
- -
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
- -
 Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
- -
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
 - -
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass' !!
 - -
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
 - -
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
- -
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
- - 
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, 
and a sports car!

 
Tom notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard -

"Boat for Sale."

"John" he says, "you don't own a boat. All you got is
your old tractor and your combine."

"Yup," said John, "And they're boat for sale."

 

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch
when the husband turned to his wife and,

"Muffin, I feel like making love tonight"
 
The wife replied, "Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time."

"But I am always gentle with you, dearest,"
 
"That's not true, she replied,
"the last time, you woke me up TWICE!"

Visiting his parents' retirement village in Florida, my middle-aged friend, 
Tim, went for a swim in the community pool 
while his elderly father took a walk. 
 
Tim struck up a conversation with the only other person in the pool, a five-year-old boy. 
 
After a while, Tim's father returned from his walk and called out, 
"I'm ready to leave."

Tim then turned to his new friend and announced 
that he had to leave because his father was calling. 
 
Astonished, the wide-eyed little boy cried, 
"You're a kid?"

Two women friends were out buying Christmas gifts. 
For her little ones, one of them bought a few of the latest toy gadgets. Unfortunately, they all read,
"Batteries Not Included."

So they headed over to the electronics department for batteries,
but they were all behind the counter. Try as she might, the woman
with the gadgets could not get the attention
of one of the harried sales clerks.

"I know how to get a clerk's attention," her friend said.
"Watch this, Sally."

She opened her purse, pulled out a tape measure and began
measuring the dimensions of one of those $4,000 plasma TVs.
Instantly, a sales clerk practically leap-frogged over several displays to reach the woman.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, pointing to the display behind the counter.
"We need batteries. Four AA's, two size D's and two nine-volts!"

RECESSION HUMOR 
<>
The US has made a new weapon that destroys people
but keeps the building standing. Its called the stock market. 
Jay Leno
- 
Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is
now being called Wal Mart Street - Jay Leno
- 
The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker.
The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
- 
What's the difference between a guy who lost everything
in Las Vegas and an investment banker?      A tie!
- 
The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the
left side, nothing's right and on the right side, nothing's left.
-   
I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show,
if you get any emails from Washington asking for money,
it's a scam. Don't fall for it - Jay Leno
 -
Bush was asked about the credit crunch.
He said it was his favorite candy bar - Jay Leno
 -
The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is
even thicker. They had to include pictures  - Jay Leno
 -
President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners
in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are
General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno
- 
What worries me most about the credit crunch
is, that if one of my checks is returned stamped
'insufficient funds',
I  won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.

THIS  toon 'hits the nail on the head.' 
Long Live the Difference!!
 

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

http://www.thecopymacheen.com

The Fleet