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FRIDAY
JANUARY 12th 2007

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FOREVER MAY IT WAVE
IN GOD WE TRUST

BEST viewed FULL SCREEN

AJ's

"Jokes Galore"
Plus a Little Bit More

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

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"A Day without a Smile is like a Day without Sunshine.
Cherish Yesterday, Dream Tomorrow & Live Today!
LIVE in the present, PLAN for the future
& PROFIT from the past "

Many thanks to
NitasNiche, Trish, Philalakes, AngOBri, Tootsie
for contributing to the content of today's page.

Lady Lynx

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding
noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered,
Jumps up from the bed and yells at the man
"Shit, that must be my husband!"

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared,
and naked. He jumped out the window like
a crazy man, Smashed himself on the ground,
went through a thorn bush, Then he stood up
and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns
and tells the woman" I'm your husband,
you slut!!! "

So the woman answers:-
"Oh, yeah?!!
And why were you running?!!
You son of a bitch!!!"

MORE OF GROUCHO

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

All people are born alike -
except Republicans and Democrats.

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down,
I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions -
the curtain was up.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets
and throw away the groom.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

No man goes before his time -
unless the boss leaves early.

The telephone solicitor selling basement waterproofing
must have thought she'd died and gone to heaven when
she reached my very polite and patient son on the phone.
At the end of her long sales pitch, she asked,
"Do you mind if we send out someone to give you an estimate?"

"Not at all," my son said.

"When would be a good time?" she asked.

My son answered,
"Just as soon as I can dig us a basement."

THOUGHTS TO 'THINK ON'

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions
that your wife asks for nothing.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator
are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If you break 100, watch your golf.
If you break 80, watch your business.

Marriage is give and take.
You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.

Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.
Joey Adams

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three times before lying down.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work
he's supposed to be doing at the moment.

As for me, except for an occasional heart attack,
I feel as young as I ever did.

Behind every argument is someone's ignorance.

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children,
as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length
that the child cannot do much harm one way or the other.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools
to begin with that it's compounding a felony.

Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman
without feeling just a bit un-chivalrous.

For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle,
bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.

I do most of my work sitting down; that's where I shine.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things,
and I have succeeded fairly well.

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.

If Mr. Einstein doesn't like the natural laws of the universe,
let him go back to where he came from.

In America there are two classes of travel -
first class, and with children.

It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Most of the arguments to which I am a party fall somewhat
short of being impressive, owing to the fact that neither I
nor my opponent knows what we are talking about.

Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of.

The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.

Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Robert Benchley

Men aren't attracted to me by my mind.
They're attracted to me by
what I don't mind.
Gypsy Rose Lee

Guy walks into a bar and says,
"B-b-b-beer, p-p-p-please."

The bartender gives him a beer and says rather quietly,
"You know, I also had a stuttering problem until my wife
started giving me oral sex daily. I'm totally cured.
Why don't you give it a shot?"

The guy finishes his beer and heads out the door . Next day,
the same guy walks back in and the bartender says,

"So are you cured?" the guy replied,

" N-n-n-no, but you've
got a n-n-nice h-h-h-house!"

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do with you here," says the devil.
"You're on my list, but I have no room for you, but you definitely
have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I've got 3 people here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon
and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty handed over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer
and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with
a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was
swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be
in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!"
commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton
lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head
and his legs staked in spread eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky,
doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while
and finally said,
"Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said....

"OK Monica. You're free to go!"

OCCUPATIONAL BUMPER STICKERS

Archeologists will date any old thing.

Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!

Give Blood - Play Hockey.

U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min.
or the next one's free!

Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor.

LAWYERS

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny
and other people don't think they're jokes.

Q: What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator.

Q: What�s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 70?
A: Your honor.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician
with a crooked lawyer?
A: Chelsea Clinton

Q: How does an attorney sleep?
A: First he lies on one side and then on the other.

Q: What�s the difference between a shame and a pity?
A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors,
that�s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that�s a shame.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
A: Just say, "Fees!"

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it.
And one to sue the ladder company.

"You want Fries with that?"

Fanny and Myron get married and on their first night in bed,
Myron puts his arm around Fanny and very sweetly whispers,
"Fanny darling, please pull up your nightgown."

Very sweetly Fanny answers, "Nooo."

Myron asks again, a little sterner, "Fanny pull up your nightgown."

Fanny again says, "No."

Myron is now angry and says,
"Fanny, pull up your nightgown or I'm going out the door
and you'll never see me again."

"No." says Fanny.

So Myron gets up and goes out the front door,
slamming it behind him.

Fanny immediately gets up and locks the door.

Not too long after, Myron is back.
He tries the front door but finds it locked.
So he taps on the door and says,
"Fanny, my darling, open the door, it's me."

Fanny says, "Nooo."

Myron knocks a little louder,
"Fanny, sweetness, please open the door."

"No." says Fanny.

Myron starts kicking the door and shouts,
"Fanny, open this door right now or I'll break it down."

Fanny says, "Really?
A door you can break down,
but a nightgown you can't pull up?"

An elderly couple were attending a synagogue service.
About halfway through, the Rabbi's sermon the husband leaned over
to his wife and said, "I just passed a silent fart,
what do you think I should do?"

She replied, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon,
so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

The next morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother,
gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door
to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No.

"Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
"Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline
and I think I gave him my airplane glue"

People were in their pews talking at church.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the altar.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort
to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one
elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said,
"Don't you know who I am?

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying,
AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan?

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked,
"Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for 44 years."

We All Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to '08.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice

and BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

" WOW "

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