Many thanks to all and special thanks to
Terrygray11, AngOBri, Nannalynda, Trish,
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

"Life isn't like a bowl of cherries or peaches. .
It's more, like a jar of jalapenos.
What you eat today,
might burn your ass tomorrow"!



A passionate kiss is like a spider's web -
it soon leads to the undoing of a fly.

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench
outside the local town hall where
a flower show was being held.

The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring.
We never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take all my clothes
off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
 
'You're on!' said the  other old lady, holding  up a $10 bill.
 
The first  little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes,
completely  naked she streaked  (as fast as an old  lady can)  through the front door of  the flower show.  Waiting  outside, 
her friend soon heard a huge commotion  inside the  hall,  followed by loud applause and  shrill whistling.
 
Smiling and naked the old  lady came through the exit doors
surrounded by a  cheering  crowd.
 
'What  happened?' asked her friend.
 
'I won 1st prize as the best Dried Arrangement.'

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices
a sign in the window,

"Cruise Special -- $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says,
"I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to
a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door
and downhill  to the river, where he pushes her in
and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign,
goes inside, lays her money on the counter, 
and asks for the $99 special.

She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she catches up
with the first blonde. They float side by side
for a while before the first blonde asks,

"Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies,

"They didn't last year...."

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell
from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was
well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside
and resumed  his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.
This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar:
'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful
sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every
afternoon, your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note
pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 -
he's trying to catch up on his sleep.
May  I  come with him tomorrow?'



Having lunch in the clubhouse this last weekend,
I couldn't help but  overhear one woman golfer telling another,

"I got injured between the  first and second hole."

"That's a bitch," said her blonde friend,
"You'll never get a band-aid to stick there!"



One night an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with
another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off
the balcony of their 20th floor 'assisted living apartment',
Killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge
asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly,
'Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92,
if he could fuck .. He could fly.'





A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the
day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you
a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'.'

'Yeah,' she replies, 'when you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'



A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102...
Already there. is a long-time resident
who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says,

"Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars,
the most beautiful women, and
I ate in all the best restaurants of France."

The new man asked, "What happened?"
" Riley reported his credit cards missing!

PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT

(MADE ME WHAT I AM TODAY!)
 

Mrs. Smith: "Help me, doctor! My son, John, 
swallowed the can opener!"

Doctor: "Don’t panic. He’ll be alright."

Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?!
The toast is getting cold!



Why don’t people from the University of Southern California
celebrate Christmas?

Because they can’t find three wise men and a virgin.

Quote from the Boss… “I didn’t say it was your fault.
I said I was going to blame it on you.”


  
Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I’ve forgotten this before.
 
 

Women like silent men !
They think they are listening.

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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