"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, 
and the center of attention."

"Don't ever take a fence down 
until you know the reason it was put up" 

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires  out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe 
 thunderstorms tearing  up the country from one end to another, and 
with the threat of swine flu and  terrorist attacks. . .
Are we sure this is a good  time to take GOD 
out of the Pledge of Allegiance?" 
                                                    Jay Leno

How Bad Is The Economy? 
The economy is so BAD that:
-
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
-
African television stations are now showing
'Sponsor an American Child' commercials!
-
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked,
"Can you afford fries with that?"
-
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
-
B.P laid off 25 Congressmen.
-
My ATM gave me an IOU!
-
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her 
with rolls of pennies while she danced.
-
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
-
I bought a toaster oven and my free gift
with purchase was a bank.
-
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds,
you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
-
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
-
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
-
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and 
learned their children's names.
-
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it,
and they re-possessed her!
-
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.
 
They renamed Wall Street "Wal-Mart Street ."

When Bill and Hillary travel together, 
they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is 
now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff 
scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion
disappear is being investigated by the people
who made $1.5 trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, 
wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement 
funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline got a call 
center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was 
suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if 
I could drive a truck!

"What kind of girl do you think 
I am . . . a contortionist?!

President George W. Bush says the Wikileaks documents 
will hurt U. S. relations. And if there is anyone 
who knows how to hurt U. S. relations,
it's President Bush!

 




An old man and a teenager were riding down the road, when 
the old man pulled over and told the teenager to drive. 
The teenager pulled out into traffic smoking the tires. 
After the kid came to a stop, he looked at the
old man and asked 

" Do you smell that SHIT!" and the old man replied 

" I aught to, I'M SITTING IN IT!"

As If He Never Left Us
http://www.animatronics.org/strangers/strangers.htm

Use your BACK button after viewing, to return to the main page.
DON'T GET X'd OFF THIS SITE

The Highway Traffic and Safety Department statistics show 
that 23% of highway deaths are caused by drivers 
who were drunk.  23% !!!

      That means 77% of deaths were caused by sober drivers...  

      Beware of drivers who aren't drunk...  If you spot 
a sober driver on the road, use extreme 
caution, and remember that they 
cause more than twice the 
number of highway deaths 
as the rest of us.
 
This has been a public service announcement. 
See you at the Tavern!




 
History's top 10 times for appropriate use 
of the "F" word: 
 
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" 
- Noah, 4314 BC 
 
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" 
- Pythagoras, 126 BC 
 
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" 
- Michelangelo, 1566 
 
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" 
- Custer, 1877 
 
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" 
- Picasso, 1926 
 
5th - "Where the f*** are we?"  Amelia Earhart, 1937 
 
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." 
- Einstein, 1938 
 
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945 
 
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" 
- JFK,  1963 
 
AND ...  
 
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word: 
 
"Aw c'mon.  Who the f*** is gonna find out?" 
- Tiger Woods, 2009

She was so Blonde that...

- She wanted to visit a computer chat room, 
but couldn't find one near her home.

- She called the *hardware* store to check on their 
stock of artificial nails.

- She wore a bikini her first day in the car pool!

- She'd heard about the information superhighway,
but couldn't find it on her map!

- She wanted to sign up as an *organ* donor, 
but all she had was a guitar!

- When told she would need a travel visa, 
she asked if her Master Card was OK!?!

THE WOODEN LEG

A man and his wife, moved back home to West Virginia, 
from Ohio. The husband had a wooden leg, and to 
insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000 per year! 
 
 When they arrived in West Virginia, they went to an insurance agency
  to see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg. 
 
 The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.' 
 
 The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in 
West Virginia to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Ohio! 
 
 The insurance agent turned his computer screen 
to the couple and said,
"Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, 
with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just 
have to know how to describe it!" 
 
 (HILLBILLIES know how "to git'er done") 

 Jewish Proverbs, 
    Most Direct quotes    
 
 If the rich could hire other people to die for them, 
the poor could make a wonderful living.
Yiddish Proverb
 
The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, 
says more than the fool when he speaks . 
Yiddish Proverb
 
What you don't see with your eyes, 
don't invent with your mouth. 
Yiddish proverb 
 
A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut 
when he is right. 
Yiddish Proverb
 
One old friend is better than two new ones. 
Yiddish Proverb
 
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't 
good enough to marry your daughter can be the father 
of the smartest grandchild in the world.  
Jewish Proverb 
  
A wise man hears one word and understands two. 
Yiddish Proverb
 
"Don't be so humble - 
you are not that great."  
Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat
  
Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. 
It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage 
to move in the opposite direction.   
Albert Einstein
 
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, 
you must keep moving. 
Albert Einstein
  
Intellectuals solve problems; 
geniuses prevent them. 
Albert Einstein
  
You can't control the wind, but you 
can adjust your sails. 
Yiddish proverb
 
I don't want to become immortal through my work. 
I want to become Immortal through not dying. 
Woody Allen
 
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
 Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton .
 
We can't solve problems by using the same kind 
of thinking we used when we created them .  
Albert Einstein

Subject: religion
 
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as 
chaplains to the students of University of Minnesota Duluth. 

They would get together two or three times a week for 
coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the
comment that preaching to people isn't 
really all that hard. A real challenge
would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an
experiment. They would all go out into the woods, 
find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss
their experience.

Father Flanagan, who has his arm in a sling, is on
crutches, and has various bandages on his body
and limbs, goes first. 
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find a bear. 
And when I found him I began to read to him from the
catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with 
me and began to slap me around. So I quickly 
grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, 
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as
gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming 
out next week to give him first 
communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a
wheelchair, with an IV drip in his arm, and both legs in
casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he exclaimed,
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! 
I went out and I FOUND a bear. And then I began to 
read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But
that bear wanted nothing to do with me. 
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. 
We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN 
another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED 
him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said,
he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the
Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body
cast and traction with monitors and IV's running in and out
of him. He was in real bad shape.

The Rabbi looks up and says, 
"Looking back on it, circumcision 
may not have been the best way to start..."

5000 men were surveyed as 
to why they like oral sex.
1% liked the warmth.
2% liked the sensation.
3% liked the eroticism.
94% just liked the peace and quiet.



Now The NEW Alphabet: 

A is for arthritis; 
B is the bad back,

C is the chest pains, 
perhaps car-di-ac? 

D is for dental decay and decline, 
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention, 
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is for high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show. 

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next. 

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; 
O is for osteo, bones that don't grow! 

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? 
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. 

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, 
T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! 

U is for urinary; troubles with flow; 
V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know. 

W is for worry, now what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest I still have-- in my mind! 


I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,  
and I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!  

 HAVE A GREAT YEAR !