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One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the
Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the
story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building
materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the
wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I
have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said
"Holy Shit, a talking pig!"
Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it,
figured maybe he had a cold or some such.
But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so Sam really got
worried. However, since the only time they ever got together
was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived so he was
unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had past and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill but
one day Sam approached the park and lo and behold there sat Bill!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so!
Then he said,
"For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you???"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail???," cried Sam!! "What in the world for???"
"Well," Bill said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where we sometimes get coffee?"
"Yeah" said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well one day she charged me with rape and I was so proud that
when I got into court, I pled 'Guilty'
and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef
1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef
Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.
When the little one burns, the big one is done.
Horse sense is what a horse has
that keeps it from betting on people.
Comeback Lines
HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why,are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!
HE: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"
to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most
riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting or playing golf with his buddies."
A man was walking down the street past his Grandpa's house
when he noticed his Grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking
chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on
below the waist?" he asked.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
"Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck.
This is your Grandma's idea."
A woman was chatting with her neighbor.
'I feel really great today. You see, I started out
this morning with an act of unselfish generosity.
I gave $5 bill to a bum.'
'You gave a bum $5?
That's a lot of money to give away like that.
What did your husband say about that?'
'Thanks.'
Housework was a woman's job, but one evening,
Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of
laundry in the washer and another in the dryer.
Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!
It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said
"wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework
were too tired to have sex".The night went very well.
The next day, she told her office friends all about it.
"We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen.
He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away.
I really enjoyed the evening."
"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.
Oh, that ..., Ralph was too tired.."
God is good.
Put Down Lines
GIRL : If we get engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.
GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??
BOY : Were you away??
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me.
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple.
CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so
overwhelmed,I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon ???
My friend wanted a boat more than anything, but his wife kept refusing.
Finally, after several years of being denied,
he went out and bought a boat, anyway.
When his wife found out, she was furious. So the husband said,
"Honey, I know you're upset about this, but I think you'll come
to see that it's something that will draw us closer together.
I'll tell you what, why don't we set out on this venture together.
I bought the boat, but why don't you give it a name?"
Being a good sport and, after all, a loving wife, she agreed to this.
When they arrived at the dock for their maiden voyage,
the husband saw that the boat had been christened,
"For Sale."
For every person with a spark of genius,
there are a hundred with ignition trouble.
Well, it must be
SOMEBODY'S birthday
Y'all have a healthy, happy and successful
New Year, ya hear?
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