Many thanks to all and to
Trish, MRuss74101, Tootsie, Irock blue, 
Nekia, AngOBr, Heartlast, Cartoonery
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"

" What America MAKES ... MAKES America ! "
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A woman  scanned the guests at a party and spotted
an attractive man, standing alone.  

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

No," she replied. "I gave it to myself.
It reflects the things I like Most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said,  "Bob Titsenbeer."


          
HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. A great epitaph:
Tried everything twice...loved it both times!

2. Keep only cheerful friends.  The grouches pull you down.
 (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches.)

3. Keep learning:  Learn more about the computer, crafts,
gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots
and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it's family,
pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them,
at every opportunity.



An Israeli and an Arab tank collide. The Arabs run out shouting:
"I surrender, I surrender!"

The Israelis run out shouting:
"Whiplash, whiplash!"


 
As a result of an earthquake an elderly Jewish married couple were
buried in a cellar. A rescue command of the Red Cross rakes
out the ruins to release them. Only a wall separates them.
A rescuer knocks with the hammer against the wall
to give a signal to the buried.

"Who is there?"  is heard from the cellar.

"The Red Cross."
answers the would-be rescuer.

"For the Red Cross, we already gave at the office."


 
Two gay guys  were dancing when one said to the other,
"Why do you always get an erection when we dance together?"

The other replied, "Because you dance like an asshole!"

The obituary editor of the Jerusalem Post is not one to admit
his mistakes easily. One day he got a phone call from an irate subscriber. The caller complained that his name 
had been printed in the obituary column.

"Really?" replied the editor calmly.
"And where are you calling from?"



IRISH JOKES

Have you heard about the Irish tug-of-war team?
They were disqualified for pushing.
 ><
Why did the Irishman spend all night outside the whorehouse?
He was waiting for the red light to turn green.
><
Have you heard about the Irish cricket match that was cancelled
because both sides showed up wearing the same colors?
><
Did you hear about the Irishman who locked his family in the car?
He had to use a coat-hanger to get them out.
><
A drunk Irishman staggers into Church,
and goes into the confessional.
The priest says "Can I help you, my son?"
The drunk says "I dunno.
Have you got any paper on your side?"
><
Q: Why do Irishmen wear two condoms?
A: To be sure, to be sure.
><  
Paddy O'Connor goes to see his doctor:
"Doctor, my sex life is terrible, absolutely terrible!"
The doctor examines him, and says,
"You need exercise. I want you to run every day, two miles a day.
It'll improve your heart rate, your general well-being, your self-image,
and your libido. Then call me in a week".

A week later, Paddy calls his doctor, says
"Well, Doc, I've been running every day,
two miles a day, just like you said".

The doctor asks him "So, how's your sex life?"

Paddy says "I don't know. I'm fourteen miles from home."

Two children were in a doctor's waiting room.
The little girl was softly sobbing.

"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger,"

When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.

The boy looked at her worriedly and said,
"I'm here for a urine test."

Let me tell you about my doctor:
 
He's very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion,
he'll go out and come in again.
<>
He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years
before he realized she was Chinese.
<>
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said,
"Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible."
The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
<>
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled,
"Doctor, doctor! My son just swallowed a roll of film!!"
The doctor calmly replied,
"Let's just wait and see what develops."
 <>
One patient came in and said,
"Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked,
"When did it start?"
The man replied,
"When did what start?"
<>  
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice:
"Don't answer it."
<>
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him,
"Doctor, I think I'm a bell."
The doctor gave him some pills and said,
"Here, take these. If they don't work,
give me a ring."
<>
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards.
The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there.
I'll deal with you later."
<>
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places,
he told me to stop going to those places.
<>
You know, doctors can be so frustrating.
You wait a month and a half for an appointment, then he says,
"I wish you had come to me sooner".



Funeral Weather

As with many funerals, it was a cloudy, rainy day.
The deceased was a little old lady who had devoted
her entire married life to fussing at her poor husband.

When the graveside service had no more than
terminated, there was a tremendous burst of thunder
accompanied by a distant lightning bolt and more
rumbling thunder.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,
"Well, she's there."



A lady was escorted to a wedding by her 24-year-old
bachelor son. He appeared unaffected by the ceremony
until the bride and groom lighted a single candle with
their candles and then blew out their own.

With that he brightened and whispered,

"I've never seen that done before.

She whispered back, "You know what it means, don't you?"

His response: Sure do!  No more old flames!"

"A woman drove me to drink,
and I never even had the courtesy
to thank her."  W. C. Fields

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious
About the smallness of his penis that before undressing,
He snapped off the light. Once he was in bed,
he unzipped his pants and handed
his member to his bride.

"That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed,
"but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes."



A man walks into a bar and sits down  next to
a man that is obviously intoxicated.
He smells a foul odor and asks the drunk,
"Did you shit your pants?"

The drunk said, "Yup."

The man then asked the drunk, "Why don't
you go to the bathroom?"

To which the drunk replied,
"Cause I ain't done yet!



 

HAVE A GREAT YEAR!
HAPPY
2   8

" What America MAKES ... MAKES America ! "
BUY AMERICAN PRODUCTS
Help keep our DOLLARS right here in the U.S.A. 

We All Continue To Hope That
Happier Days Are Ahead For The World
Now lets think ahead to November.
Keep Informed, then
Vote your conscience with a
Sensitive Regard for Fairness and Justice.

AND 
BRING THEM HOME,
NOW . . . ALIVE!

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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