MOSTLY ADULT JOKES AND HUMOR.
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                                       Lady Lynx

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FROM ALL OF US TO ALL OF YOU

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures
of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's
picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she
asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt." was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,
But who is the fourth person?

"Oh, that's Pontius-the-pilot."



An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and
asked the Pharmacist for Viagra.

The Pharmacist said "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's alright. I don't need them for sex
anymore, as I am over 80 years old.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done
about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour
in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

Patient:   Doctor, I think I need glasses.

Teller:   You certainly do! This is a bank.

Sure is a HUMMER
got to get ME one of those!


Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't
get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because
they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there.

One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one
will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom
and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.

Then he said, "Now go out and play."

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked,
"What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Kathlick,
because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle you."  

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopalians."

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.
He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, miss?"

"Don't 'miss' me, mister."

"Well then, you better make it 13."

ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 2005

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[those good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

One woman was bragging to her next-door neighbor about her son,
a college student at the University of Illinois.

"Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him
we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," the neighbor said. "Every time we get a letter
from our son in college, we have to go to the bank!"

A girl of 23 married a man of 84, and they asked her
how things went on their honeymoon.

"Well," she laughed, "Did you ever try to put a
marshmallow in a piggy bank?"



Definition Of The Perfect Husband
A guy who makes his wife's panties wet...
He does the laundry every week.



When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day,
Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
"Have you seen a doctor about that cold?" he asked.

"No," said Mike, "But I probably should. Do you know a good doctor?"

Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that
he'd be in good hands. About a week later, they met again and
Pat wasn't sure if the cold was really better.

"Did you see my doctor?" Pat inquired.

"Oh, yeah," Mike replied. He was a really nice guy!"

"Well, did he give you something to help your cold"?

"Sure did!" Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically.
"He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath."

"Well, did it help?" Pat asked hesitantly.

"How do I know?" Mike retorted.

"I haven't even finished drinking the bath yet!" 



Troy had finally made it to his doctor's office
for a long overdue appointment.

"Well, Troy," the scowling doctor said,
"I see you're well over a month late for your appointment.
Don't you realize that nervous disorders require
prompt and regular attention.
What's your excuse?"

"I was simply following your orders, Doc," Troy replied.

"Following my orders?" the confused doctor said.
"What are you going on about? I gave you no such order."

"You told me to avoid people who irritate me," explained Troy.



Paul Harvey and Prayer

. . . the silent majority has been silent too long.
It's time we let that one or two who scream loud enough
to be heard, know, that the vast majority don't care what they want.
It is time the majority rules!  It's time we tell them,
you don't have to pray;
you don't have to say the pledge of allegiance;
you don't have to believe in God
or attend services that honor Him.
That is your right, and we will honor your right.
But by golly, you are no longer going to take our rights away.
We are fighting back and we WILL WIN!

God bless us one and all ..  especially those who denounce Him.
God bless America, despite all her faults.
She is still the greatest nation of all.

God bless our service men who are fighting to protect
our right to pray and worship God.

There was a dance teacher who talked of a very old dance
called "THE POLITICIAN".

"All you have to do," she told her class, 
"is take three steps forward,
two steps backward, 
then side-step side-step and turn around."

 
  and BRING THEM HOME, 
  NOW . . . ALIVE! 

HUNK

http://www.thecopymacheen.com

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