"Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day."

2 0 1 0

FROM ALL OF US TO ALL OF YOU

A smile is a sign of joy.
A hug is a sign of love.
A laugh is a sign of happiness.
And a friend like me here at The Copy Macheen . . .
Shit, that's just a sign of your good taste!!

 Thoughts for the New Year

The most destructive habit.......................................Worry
The greatest Joy.........................................................Giving
The greatest loss........................................................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work.........................................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.....................................Selfishness
The most endangered species................................Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource.................................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm".................................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.........................Fear

The most effective sleeping aide..............................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease...........................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..................................Love

The most dangerous pariah......................................A Gossiper
The world's most incredible computer...................The Brain
The worst thing to be without.... ...............................Hope

The deadliest weapon.................................................The tongue
The two most power-filled words............................."I Can"
The most worthless emotion.....................................Self-pity

The most beautiful attire.............................................SMILE!
The most prized possession.....................................Integrity
The most contagious spirit........................................Enthusiasm

Corny but Funny
IRISH JOKES
 
Paddy calls Easy-jet to book a flight.  

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
 
Paddy replies "I don't know. It’s your  plane". 
 
+ 

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy,
"I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
 
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB,  I'M A LIGHTBULB!"   

Murphy watches in amazement. 
 
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"   
So he leaves the site.
 
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
 
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
 
"I can't work in the dark." says Murphy.
 
+ 
 
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want don't you ?"
 
"Yeah," says Paddy.
"The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it."  

+  

Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service
for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his
professional opinion it was a death trap. 
 
+ 

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found
on Arbroath beach, was asked to identify her.

A detective held up the head to which Paddy said
"I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
 
+ 

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog
is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says
"To hell with this."  and storms off.
 
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks
"What did you do ?"
 
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden.
Let's see how they like it!"

+ 

Paddy is shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus," he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
 
+

Mick and Paddy are reading headstones at a cemetery.

Mick say "Crikey, there's a bloke here who was 152!"
 
Paddy says "What's his name ?"
 
Mick replies "Miles,  from London."

LITTLE VITO ON MATH:
A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a
fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She
calls on Little Vito.

He replies, "None. They will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your
thinking."

Then, Little Vito says, "I have a question for YOU.  There are
three women sitting on a bench having ice cream, one is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.  The second is
gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting
off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal , replied, "Well, I suppose the
one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little Vito replied, "The correct answer is the one with
the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

LITTLE VITO ON MORE MATH:
Little Vito returns from school, and he says he got an "F" in
arithmetic.

"Why?" asks Little Vito's father.

"The teacher asked me, 'How much is 2x3?'
I said  6," replies Little Vito.

"But that's right!" says Little Vito's Dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks Little Vito's father.

"That's what 'I'  said!"



LITTLE VITO ON ENGLISH:
Little Vito goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today, we
are going to learn multi-syllable words, Class. Does anyone
have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

Little Vito says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Vito, that's a
mouthful."

Little Vito says, "No, Miss Rogers. You're thinking of a
blow-job."

LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR:
Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he
needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, 
I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper
word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to
use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence
correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says, "Ur-i-nate, but
if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE VITO ON MORE GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show of hands from those who could use the
word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked
beautiful in it"

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called
on little Michael.
 
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned
out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!"

Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito.
 
He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was pregnant, and he said,
'Beautiful, just fucking beautiful!'"

LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER:
Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one
candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the
bench across from him said to him,  "Son, you know eating
all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne,
rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 
107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars
at a time?"

Little Vito answered, "No...he minded his own 
fucking business!!"



Nymphos Or Hookers?

What's the difference between a wife, a nympho, and a hooker?

The nympho says, "You're done already?"

The hooker says, "Are you done yet?"

And the wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."