"Always remember to forget the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the blessings that come each day.

"People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, 
and the center of attention!"

If  you get an email entitled 
"Nude photos of Nancy Pelosi" -  don't open it...

My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

CAN YOU RELATE???
Please send this to everyone you know
because

I DON'T REMEMBER
WHO I SENTTHIS TO!


LIVE, LOVE & LAUGH A LOT





This morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a
woman  In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph
with her face up next to her rear view mirror  
putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds
and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don't scare easily.
but she scared me so much; I dropped
  my electric shaver, which knocked
the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten
out the car using my knees against
the steering wheel, it knocked
my Cell Phone  away from my ear.

The phone fell  into the coffee between my legs! 
Splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins,  
ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an important call.

DAMN WOMEN DRIVERS

Out Of The Mouths Of Men.....

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by
a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it,
and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD."
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of
the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers
of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands,
so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."




 

The Indian With One Testicle
 
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
 
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!'
 
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
 
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
All night. He made love to her all the next day,
Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
 
The word got around that Onestone meant what
He promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until a woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
 
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

Then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!
 

 
Why ???
 

 
OH, come on... Take a guess !!!
 

 
Think about it !!!
 
 
 
You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows...
You can't kill Two Birds
With OneStone !!!


 
Observations on Growing Older

It's harder to tell navy from black!

Everything old is new again, but if you wore it before,
you're too old to wear it the 2nd time around!


Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them!
..but your grandchildren are perfect!

Yellow becomes the big color...walls...hair...teeth!

Going out is good. Coming home is better!

When people say you look "Great"...they add "for your age"!

When you needed the discount you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything...movies, hotels ...flights.

You forget names...but it's OK because other people
forgot they even knew you.

The last 2 outfits you wore had spots on them.

The five pounds you wanted to lose is now 15
and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring
then he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep"

Remember when your mother said "Wear clean underwear
in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear
in case you HAVE an accident!

You used to say, "I hope my kids GET married.. Now,
"I hope they STAY married!"

You miss the days when everything worked with
just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

You use more 4 letter words..."what?"..."when?" ???

Your mascara clumps and your eyebrows are disappearing.
You don't have hair under your arms and very little on your legs
but your chin needs to be plucked daily!

What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

Everybody whispers.

But old is good in some things:...old songs...old movies
And best of all OLD FRIENDS.

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby
in the carriage when an old friend approached her. 
The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage, said,

"What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks just like his father."

       "I know," replied the woman,
"I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
 
The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,'
and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'
  
'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.
  
A short time later the waitress returns with the order
'That will be $9.40 please,' and  the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for payment. 

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the  man says,
'A hamburger, fries and a coke.' 
 
The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'  

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again.
'The usual?'  asks the waitress. 

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, 
baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 

'Same,' says the ostrich. 

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'  
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the  table. 

The waitress cannot hold back her  curiosity any longer.
'Excuse me, sir. How do  you manage to always come up
with the exact change in your pocket every time?' 
 
'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp.  When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to
pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket
and the right amount of money would always be there.' 

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something,  but you'll always be as rich
as you want for as long as you live!' 

'That's right.  Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?' 

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for
a tall chick with a big ass and long legs
who agrees with everything I say.'
 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,
an Anchorage man answered his door to find two
grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

 "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information
about your wife," said one trooper...

 "Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

 The troopers looked at each other.

 One said, "We have some bad news, some good news,
and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?˛

 Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said,
"Give me the bad news first."

 The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning
we found your wife's body in  Kachemak  Bay ."

 "Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, 
"What's the good news?"

 The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had
12 twenty-five  pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs
clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

 Stunned, ! Mr. Wilkens demanded,
"If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

 The trooper said,
"We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."



"Some of The
World's Shortest Books"

'THINGS I DID TO DESERVE
THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE'
by Barack Obama
+
'OTHER BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET
WHILE YACHTING'
by Tiger Woods
+
'THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY'  
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan. 
Illustrated by Michael Moore
+
'MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER  KATRINA'
by  Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
+
'THINGS I  LOVE ABOUT BILL' 
by  Hillary Clinton  
+
Sequel: 
'THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY' 
By Bill  Clinton
+
'THINGS I  CANNOT AFFORD' 
by Bill Gates  
+
'THINGS I  WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY' 
by Dennis Rodman  
+
'THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE'
by Al Gore & John Kerry 
+
'AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC'
+
'A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES' 
by Dr. J. Kevorkian
+
     'TO ALL THE MEN WE'VE LOVED BEFORE'  
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel
+
'THE AMISH  PHONE DIRECTORY'
+  
'MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLER(S)' 
by O. J. Simpson  

A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking 
Vegas hooker catches his eye. 

He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 
"How much do you charge?" 

The Hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job." 

The guy says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap! 
No hand-job is worth  that kind of money!" 

The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?" 

"Yes." 

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?" 

"Yes." 

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?" 

"Yes." 

"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. 
And I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500." 

So the guy says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll  give it a try." 

They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy
 is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced  
the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. 

He is so amazed, he  says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?" 

The hooker replies, "$1,500." 

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" 

The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy.
Do you see that casino just across the street?
I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a 
blow-job that's worth every  cent of $1,500." 

The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific  hand-job, 
decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, 
 "Sign me up." 

Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. 

He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. 

He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious
and unforgettable experience. 

He asks the hooker, "How much  for some pussy?" 

The hooker says, "Come over here to the window,
I want to  show you something. 

Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us:
All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces,  and shows? 

"Damn!" the guy says, in awe,
"You own the whole city?" 

No," the hooker replies,
"but I would... if I had a pussy."

TWO OF A KIND