Many thanks to all and special thanks to
 AngieOBri, Trish, Tootsie,Terrygray11, Johnj4269
for contributing to the content of today's page.

"Start every day off with a smile - and get it over with!"
We can't control the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

FUNNY QUOTES

"An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building,
and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'"

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost
and blamed it on the cost of living.

I wished the buck stopped here as I could use a few.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

He's not dead... he's electroencephalographically challenged.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it,
but it’s also true that we don’t know what
we’ve been missing until it arrives.

If The Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me.

Maybe this world is another planet’s hell.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and
the free ones are handicapped.

 To cease smoking is the easiest thing. I ought to know.
I’ve done it a thousand times.

 Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day.

 He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter.

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.

There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready
for an institution yet.

A husband is what’s left of the lover after the nerve
has been extracted.

And on the eighth day God said,
“Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated
some woman out of a divorce.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.

My advice to you is to get married. If you find a good wife,
you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.



Still waiting
I did what you told me ...
I sent the email to 10 people like you said ...
I'm still waiting for that miracle to happen .



To all my friends who in the last year sent me best 'wishes',
chain letters, 'angel' letters or other promises
of good luck if I forwarded something,

NONE OF THAT  SHIT WORKED!

In the future, could you instead, please just send money,
Vodka, chocolate, movie tickets, or
GASOLINE VOUCHERS !
Thank you!



Carry That Weight
The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-old
students a natural history lesson...

"Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food
five times their own weight. What can you conclude from that?"

"They don't have a union!" came Little Johnny's reply.

Six Centuries Gone
A group of American tourists were being guided through
an ancient castle in Belgium.

"This place," the guide told them,
"is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched,
nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."

"Wow," said one woman dryly,
"they must have the same landlord I do!"


 
 A Special Date
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly
that he had just met the woman of his dreams.
Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers,
and on the card, invite her to your apartment
for a home cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy and arranged
a date for a week later. His mother called the day after
the big date to see how things had gone.

"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.

"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.

"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook ..."

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain
to me about the long delay she always endured.

One day, when my aunt's name was finally called,
she was asked to step on the scale.

"I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.

Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied,
"One hour and 45 minutes!"



Jack and Jessica met on the beach, fell in love with
each other at first glance, and after three days, were married.
The wedding night was just as successful as it could be,
but when Jessica awoke the following morning,
she found her husband dressing.

She said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Jack said, "Darling, we married so rapidly, I had no
chance to tell you that I'm a golf fiend. I play golf every day,
 I enter every tournament. I am afraid that you will rarely see me."

Jessica nodded and said, "Well, that's all right. After all,
we married so rapidly, I had no chance to tell you, either,
that I'm a hooker."

Jack said, "Oh sweetheart that's nothing - don't worry
about that for a minute! It's easily corrected by
holding the golf club like this. . .

'Be who you are and say what you feel...
Because those that matter... don't mind...
And those that mind... don't matter.'

 


FIVE  RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be in it with you.
  
 5. It's  extremely  important that these  four women
DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER  !!

The fastest way to a fisherman's heart
is through his fly.



A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening;
she was knitting,  he was reading the latest issue of
"Clits Illustrated." He looks up  from the page and says to her,

"Did you know that humans are the only  species
in which the female achieves orgasm?"
She looks at him  wistfully, smiles, and replies,

"Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a  moment, then says, "Okay."
He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife
with a confused look on her face.
About an hour later, he returns all
tired and sweaty and proclaims,

"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep
didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing,
I can't tell."

"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

" WOW "

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