The Body Builder And The Blonde 

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says,
"What a Great chest you have!'
                        
He tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He takes off his pants and the blonde says,'
"What massive calves you have!'
                                 
The body builder tells her,
'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'

He then removes his underwear and the blonde
goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.

The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her.
He catches up to her and asks why she ran
out of the apartment like that.

The blonde replies,
'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite
after I saw how short the fuse was!' 

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, 

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? 
You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I 
got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about 
that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle.
I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand 
was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." 

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a
flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them
shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."



    When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, 
the American ambassador and his wife threw a 
gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking
with Madame De Gaulle.

"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure,
such a presence on the French and International scene
for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in
 comparison. What are you most looking forward 
to in these retirement years?"

"A penis," replied Madame De Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer ...
and no one knew what to say next. Finally, Le Grand Charles
leaned over to his wife and said,

  "Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness."

I always root for the bull !!

 

Just One Day

A Jewish woman says to her mother, 

"I'm divorcing David!  All he wants is sex, 
and my vagina is now the size of a
50 cent piece when it used to be 
about the size of a nickel."

Her mother says, 

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you
live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari,
you get $2,000 a week allowance, you take 
6 vacations a year and you want to throw 
all that away over 45 cents????"



Two great  white sharks, swimming in the ocean, 
spied a ship in distress.
  
"Follow me,  son," the father shark said to the 
son shark and they swam to the ship.
  
"First we  swim around the people in the water 
with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. 

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more
times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat  everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, 
"Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? 
Why did we swim around and around them? " 

His wise  father replied, 
"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, 
"How do you  determine whether or not an older person 
should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said,
"we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a  teaspoon, a teacup 
and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. 
"A normal person would use the bucket because
it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. 
"A NORMAL person would pull the plug.  
Do YOU want a bed near the window?"

Marriage changes passion. Suddenly
you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it.
So I said 'Implants?'  She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for 
president and over fifty for Miss America?

Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can't even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear 
loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing,
 I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

'When I was young we used to go 'skinny dipping,'
now I just 'chunky dunk.'

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching
may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn't you know it....
        Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but FAT cells live forever.

 A man goes into a wine bar and approaches Maxine
who is sitting by herself. 
  

Man: 'May I buy you a wine?'
 
Maxine: 'No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs.' 

Man: 'Sorry to hear that. Do they  swell?' 

Maxine: 'No, they spread.'



A WOMAN'S POEM
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
said my biscuits were too hard 
Not like mother used to make. 

I didn't perk the coffee right 
He didn't like the stew, 
I didn't mend his socks 
The way his mother used to do. 

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue. 
Then I smacked the shit right out of him 
Like his mother used to do.
                                             Herbert Nehrlich
                                                                            ©Unknown
**
  I love a good poem, don't you?!?!
This one brought tears to my eyes!

To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine or a beer...
And those who don't and are always
seen with a bottle of water in their hand.

As Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria."

In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed
more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli,
(E. coli) - bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop..

However,
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer
(or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol
has to go through a purification process of boiling,
filtering and/or fermenting.
              
Sooooooooooo Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine & Beer = Health.
Therefore, it's better to drink wine or beer and talk
stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:
I'm doing it as a public service!




f



What's the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish it will die!
 
What do you call skunks having oral sex?
Odor eaters!
 
What do elephants use as tampons?
Sheep!
 
What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky!
 
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
"You know, we do taste like chicken!"





Explanation of Jewishness
 SIGNS ON TEMPLE BULLETIN BOARDS 

1. Under same management for over 5770 years. 
2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case. 
3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand? 
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members,
two of whom should be absent at every meeting
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University :
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

 

A Few Things To Make You Smile

Cow 1: I've just been artificially inseminated. 
Cow 2: I don't believe you. 
Cow 1: It's true, no bull.
 
May your life be like toilet paper…
Long and useful.
 
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right
and the other is the husband!
 
A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.
A woman must do what he can’t.
 
Life is like a mirror, we get the best results
when we smile at it.
 
What does a dentist call his X-rays? - Tooth pics!

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about
learning to dance in the rain
 
A true friend is someone who says nice things
behind your back.
  
If swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?



Ramblings  of a Retired Mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell
phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.
I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have
what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of
missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is
'when you still have something on the ball,
but you are just too tired to bounce it.'

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age,
and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when
your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say,
'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified
in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!

I was  thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a
 whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me  
They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve!
Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life
Because Life is a journey to be savored.

The First Happy Meal 
AND McDONALD'S THOUGHT THEY HAD IT FIRST  
How easily we forget... 

This Is the Original Happy Meal...   





 Little boys never outgrow their liking for
an original happy meal. 

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of  a swamp near
The Everglades  in Florida.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids.
I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot
for the court house.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars
and wait for one to unlock the car door.
Then I jump out, grab them by the leg,
shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem.
You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time
you finish shaking the shit out of any Politician, there's
nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase!



At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly
husbands' marriage seminar.  

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe,
who said he was approaching his 50th
wedding anniversary, to take a
few minutes and
share some insight
into how he had managed
to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands,
"Wella, I've tried to treat her nicea, spenda da 
money on her, but besta of all is,  I tooka her
to Italy for the 25th anniversary!"

The priest responded, "Giuseppe, you are an amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! 

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife
for your 50th anniversary?"

Giuseppe proudly replied,
"I'm agonna go get her."

A wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt 
to spice up a dead sex-life.  She puts them on, 
with a short skirt and sits on the 
overstuffed chair. 

At strategic moments she crosses and uncrosses 
her legs ... enough times till her  husband asks, 
"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

       "Yes," she answers.

       "Thank goodness for that. 
I thought the stuffing was coming out of the chair."

" WHEN I GET TO HEAVEN,
 CAN I GET MY TESTICLES BACK?"

You know THE HONEYMOON IS OVER
when the Liberal comedians start 
their monologues with:
 
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. 
We agree . . . and think 25 to life would be appropriate. 
 Jay Leno
 
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi 
needs a Halloween mask.
 Jay Leno
 
Q: Have you heard about McDonald's 
new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you 
has to pay for it.
Conan O'Brien
 
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with 
a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
 Jay Leno
 
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet 
and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers, and threats
to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
David Letterman
 
Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle 
of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
Jimmy Fallon
 
Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
Jimmy Kimmel
 
Q: What was the most positive result of the 
"Cash for Clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
 David Letterman 

A CHALLENGE to YOU
Start reading the labels when you shop for everyday things 
and see what you can find that is made in the USA. 
The JOB you SAVE may be your own 
or that of your neighbors!

AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS
http://www.americansworking.com/

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"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, 
the world will know peace."
                                                              Jimi Hendrix

 

           

You cannot legislate the poor INTO prosperity 
by legislating the wealthy OUT OF prosperity. 

   What one person receives without working for, 
another person must work for without receiving.

   The government cannot GIVE TO anybody, anything that 
the government does not first TAKE FROM somebody else.
   You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it.

   When half of the people get the idea that they do not have 
to work because the other half is going to take care
 of them, and when the other half gets the idea 
that it does no good to work because 
somebody else is going to get what
they work for, that is the beginning 
of the end of any society!